Falling In A Forest (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 18

Trigger Warning
This chapter is heavily filled with references because I don't know how to describe anything, so I use song lyrics to do it for me.
Connor's POV
They wouldn't even let me see him for three days. All I knew was that he was in critical condition and if he was alive which they said is unlikely, that he probably would have  a bunch of injuries. Probably not the best thing to tell someone whose having a panic attack. Despite the fact he fell from a cliff about forty feet he miraculously didn't die, he smashed his head against a rock. He had brain damage but they wouldn't be able to tell how severe it was until he woke up.
Everything else was very minor, a few scrapes and bruises. Nothing more. The first thing I noticed when I saw him was he had attempted to change his appearance. His hair was shorter and unseen with a few faded brown streaks, it just screamed "I Cut And Dyed My Hair At Home And Fucked It Up."
I'm the reason we are here right now. This could have all been avoided if I just stayed loyal and didn't cheat. I'm the one who put him in the edge of that cliff. I couldn't get him out of my mind. His fluffy blonde hair, his pale skin, his piercing blue eyes that always found themselves lost in mine. Even when he didn't want too. The last time I saw his eyes they were so empty, full of hurt. I feel so awful. I fucked him up badly. I'm a loser and he's probably ashamed to say he never knew me. I'm no longer of use to him. He will eventually move on from me.
Yeah, we're damaged. Badly damaged. But his loves just too good to lose, even though I don't deserve his love. He can do so much better than me, there are so many better than people than me. I wish I could hold him tightly and make all the pain disappear, wish he'd kiss me while looking at me with his big blue eyes, making me fall even more in love with him. I just want to be normal teenagers, see bad movies, sneak out my window every night just to see him, bake brownies or go bowling. I just want to be seventeen, is that so hard to do? My world has gone dark without his light.
I never realized how much I need him. I was never his protector. He was mine. I miss him so fucking much, I can't eat or sleep. Does he miss me like I miss him? I fucked around got attached to him, I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with anyone. I don't want to get my heart broken again, I don't want to fall in love just to get hurt again. Evan is different from all the others, he makes me smile and laugh. He makes me blush. Is he even worth it? We're a fucking cliché. We weren't made to work but for some reason we were perfect for each other.
I'd do anything, say anything, hell I'd trade my life for his if it meant he could be happy. The amount of emotions I feel right now is insane, I feel like I'm drowning inside of my own head. I can't even process this is actually happening.
I just want us to be happy. I'd say with my luck the universe owes me one. I'll be happy as long as he's mine. I miss waking up late in the mornings with him snuggled into my side, all the memories we shared replaying in my head, his voice. I want to hear his voice. He could tell me I'm a piece of shit and he never wants to see me again. I wouldn't care. I need him alive. I keep thinking about the first day we met. I freaked out on him and took his note, he chased after me and explained everything. We talked about the things we'd do when we got out of school, quoted songs by our favourite bands, we climbed some trees. I'd give anything to go back to that day, it was just such a perfect day.
"I love you."
"You know Connor? I used to believe you when you said that."
Those words stung. They physically hurt me. I didn't mean to hurt him. I just thought telling him the truth would be better than lying, I didn't anticipate for him to react this badly. I leaned over, grabbing his hand which was tiny compared to mine, gently stroking his palm.
Thump thump thump.
His heart beat was steady and almost rhythmic. It was almost a relief to feel his pulse, it reminded me he was still alive.
Not dead or bleeding. Alive. Breathing. At any given moment he could wake up and I'd be able to apologize for all this shit I've done.
Can you just tell me where we went wrong? How can I fix all of this? Can I even fix this? I feel like I'm losing my sanity, I'm going fucking crazy. He's slowly killing me.