Trigger warning. Mentions of suicide hospitals all that suff.
Evan's POV
I heard my phone ring across the room, groggily I looked at my clock which read 3:29 AM Holy heck whose calling me at this time? I looked down at the caller ID.
'Connie'
Why is Connor calling me so late? It must be important or he would've just waited right?
Somethings not right. I answered immediately, anxious something was wrong.
"Hello? Connor it's really late, what could you possibly need?"
"Connor tried to kill himself again."
I heard the words leave Zoe's mouth, the words repeated over and over in my head, until it finally hit me. I realized what she had said. I try to speak but I can't mange to form words, my mouth is moving but nothing comes out of it expect air.
"Evan, please help. I don't know what to do."
5:23 AM
I've always hated hospitals, I get unsettled and uneasy whenever I'm in one. The air was humid and sticky, the overwhelming brightness of eggshell white, the blinding colours shined in my eyes, causing my eyes to water. It was a weird feeling knowing someone in this building was dying, while another was being born. An unnerving silence filled the air, the type of silence where I can only hear myself breathing.
Me, Zoe, and her parents sat in the waiting room of hospital frantically, waiting to hear anything about Connor.
After three hours of waiting, they allowed us to see Connor, the nurses and doctors lead us to the Intensive Care Unit.
His face was pale, his skin cold like ice. He was just barley breathing, maybe there was a chance he was still alive.
After a while a nurse came out and gave us everything he had on his person.
Inside the bag they gave us, the first thing I noticed is there was a note. It had to have been a suicide note what else could it possibly be?
Zoe picked up the note beginning to read it, Her eyes scanned over the words before she fell to her knees and started bawling, I sat down next to her pulling her into a tight hug, trying to comfort her as best as I could.
"E-Evan he wrote his suicide note to you." She shoved the letter into my hands.
I stared intensely at the note, tracing the letters with my fingers. His writing was hastily scrawled out in the paper, letters were different sizes and written on an angle. I finally began to read the letter after examining it, I sobbed uncontrollably as I did. It almost felt wrong to read Connor's suicide note, especially since he was laying in a hospital bed right in front of us.
His hoodie was also in the bag, I wrapped it tightly around my body, desperately trying to implant his scent into my skin.
Zoe and I hugged each other tightly, letting our tears soak through each other's shirts. We reread his letter over and over again, feeling more pain and sorrow each time we did.
"I know you love me and I love you too.
You proved that over and over again, even though I don't deserve it.
All those moments we shared were real, and they'll always be ours.
I wish I was part of something. I wish anything I said mattered to someone.
I mean face it, would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?"
That was the one part of the note, I couldn't get out of my head, I kept trying to comprehend it, for some reason it just stuck with me. The days felt very long, I spent a majority of it crying, which is very draining, physically and emotionally. 'Connor tried to kill himself.' Those words repeated in my head like an endless loop. Was Connor dead?
My mind anticipated the worst possible outcomes.
'Could I have prevented it?' What could I have done differently?'
Seeing the little heart monitor move up and down gave me a strong ambition, his heart was beating, he was just unconscious. Right?.. That's what I convinced myself anyway. All I wanted was for his eyes to open. Those beautiful eyes, one was blue the other was half brown half blue. The eyes I fell in love with two months ago. Two months ago almost feels like an entirety now.
I felt like I was responsible for this in a way. Now I would never hear his laugh, I would never see his eyes I would never feel his lips brush against mine. I would never feel his warm embrace, a part of me died thinking about it.
Everything was just kind of weird, we didn't know if Connor was really dead or not, so we just kind of had to wait it out.. I refused to leave his side no matter what, I only left him when I absolutely had to, and I despised every second I was away from him. I spent many nights sleeping on the hospital floor just to be with him. I didn't sleep very well only being able to sleep after passing out due to exhaustion. I usually ended up waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying his name.
I stared at Connor, his body lifeless, IV firmly planted in his left arm, he was hooked up to a million different machines, that were constantly beeping or making some kind noise. I grabbed his hand and started speaking to him.
"Hey Connor. I know you can't hear me or maybe you can spiritually or something, but I keep imaging what I what've said to you this morning.
I would've told you how crazy I am about you, you would've said 'I love you Hansen', than we would've kissed. Please wake up Con I really miss you, we're all super worried about you."
I leaned in and pressed my lips against his forehead. "I love you... I really do." I whispered softly.
From outside the door I could Connor's parents arguing.
"Maybe the best thing to do is see if this all blows over.."
"That's your solution to everything. Do nothing."
"Is that what I said?"
"Can you guys just stop?" Zoe hissed.
"I had to beg you every step of the way.."
"Okay hold on.."
"I had to plead with you for therapy and rehab.."
"Because all he needed was another twenty thousand dollar yoga retreat."
"And what was you're alternative?"
"Putting him to a program and sticking to it."
"No. You treat him like a criminal." Zoe interrupted growing more distraught.
"Listen to your daughter Larry."
"You're not any better! You let him do whatever he wants!
"When he threatened to kill himself the first time, do you remember what you said?"
"Oh for Christ sake."
"He just wants attention." Her voice cracked and she sounded like she was about to burst into tears.
"We failed him."
"Do you know what people are saying about you guys?" Zoe spoke up quietly.
"His parents, by the way are insanely rich. Maybe they should spend their money on trying to help their son."
I sat down in the floor and hid my face in my knees.
"I hear the rumours, I hear the things people at school say. I'm not fucking oblivious mom."
"Zoe."
"Everyone wants to be my friend. I'm the dead kids sister don't you know?"
Than I lost it, I started uncontrollably sobbing again, soaking the fabric of my pants.
"Just because Connor isn't here right now, trying to punch through my door, screaming at the top of his lungs that he's going to kill me for no reason." She paused.
"Doesn't mean, we're the fucking brainy bunch!" Zoe spat out.
"Fuck you!" I heard her walk away from the other end of the door, followed by more screaming and crying.
I looked over at Connor and squeezed his limp hand tightly in mine.
"You're gonna get through this Connor. I believe in you."
Connor's POV
I scrunch my eyes feeling the bright light seep through my closed eyelids, I start blinking slowly desperately trying to open my eyes. Am I in Hell? No I can't be. What the fuck was going on?
Finally I fell my eyes open, The eyes adjust and I took a look of my surroundings, Typical hospital room, IV and monitors beeping. I felt dizzy, my head pounding, everything hurt. Than the realization finally sunk in , you're in a hospital, you're still alive.
Oh hell no. Connor you fuckup! You can't do anything right! I mean you can't even kill yourself properly!
Shitshitshitshitshit. I need to get the out of here. Now.
My limbs were stiff and heavy, I could barley move a muscle, I felt so helpless. My throat was hoarse and dry, it burnt like hell, where I should be rotting right now, I shouldn't even be alive. I
"Connor!" A annoying high pitched voice shrieked snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked over to see who the voice belonged to so I could punch them in the face. Oh. Evan was that annoying kid.
Evan threw himself into my carelessly, not bothering to notice the IV's and other various machines I am currently attached too. Our eyes met for the first time, they sparkled like diamonds, eyes were glossy, tired and beautiful.
He leaned in closer to me, I feel his breath hit my face. His hand brushes gently against mine, than our fingers intertwined, I felt the warmth of his palm, press against mine, he caressed my knuckles lovingly.
Evan's hands were soft, delicate, tiny, they were perfect in every way. Our hands were the complete opposite, my hands were bruised, scraped and scarred. My nails were bitten off and uneven, chipped black nail polish clung to what was left of them.
"Connor please say something."
I stared out the window hypnotized by the rain, the way it pounded on the glass like drums, I watched it splatter on the window before rolling off onto the ground. I had finally noticed me and Evan were completely alone, just us and only us.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled barley audible.
"Shh, I know, I know, I believe you." Evan gave my hand a little squeeze. "I love you."
I didn't know what to say, Evan didn't deserve my love. He could do so much better than me, and the mess that I am. Somehow Evan managed to see the good part of me. He made me feel like I had a purpose, a reason to live, like I mattered.
I was just sitting in silence, sorry searching for something to say, words failed me. I finally mustered up enough courage to respond. "I love you too Evan."
Than I heard a large door open than shut, a nurse walked in holding a clipboard and looked down at me. She checked all the machines around me, writing stuff down on the clipboard as she did, asked me a few questions before she walked out of view. I could hear her whispering to my parents in the other room. I picked up bits and pieces of their conversation, I heard something about not being able to leave for a week. After awhile I just started tuning them out.
This was all too familiar, I've been in this situation before. The first time I attempted suicide, I ended up cutting my wrists too deep, I ended up needing stitches, but my dad refused to take me to the hospital.
"It didn't look that bad!" I remember hearing him say, after we were informed I could've bleed to death.
After that they put me on suicide watch and didn't allow me to leave for a week.
I didn't know what to feel. I didn't feel angry, sad or anything in between. I kind of just felt numb, empty, soulless.
Word Count: 1989
Edited: April 18
I added dialogue between Zoe and her parents because I felt it was important.
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Falling In A Forest (DISCONTINUED)
Fanfiction"I was the darkness and Evan was my light."
