Falling In A Forest (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 21

Connor's POV
I took the lit end of the cigarette, hovering it over my hand edging it towards my palm. The flame touched my hand slightly and I flinched pulling it back. Fucking pussy. Do it. Sharply taking an inhale of the smoke, I swiftly stabbed the bud of the cigarette into my open palm, watching as my skin started to burn. I let out a scream in pain, allowing the pain to shoot through my veins.
It was a punishment. I fucking deserved the pain. I turned on the tap and ran my hand under the cold water, only to receive semi relief. The black ash dripped off my hand and into the sink, leaving a decent sized mark on my skin.
This is one of the worst days of my life. Evan said he wasn't pissed at me for all these things I've done, but he doesn't even remember who I am. I still remember that moment I realized I loved him. I swear to god I will do anything and everything to prove I love him. He's left me with nothing but memories, memories he doesn't even remember.
I'll never find anyone else whose perfect for me, who understands me the way he does. He's a part of me. Without him, I'm just half complete. If only he could just forgive my mistakes and take me back.
Evan's POV
The hospital would allow me to spend the night at home, but would force me to go back every morning.
That night when I got home, I searched and scanned my laptop for some sort of sign.
Anything that could possibly bring any memories back. I found a bunch of photos, full of trees, animals, and various other things related to nature.
I noticed I had a lot of pictures of me and Connor, which in theory made sense because we are supposed to be best friends. I scrolled through my emails, responding to each and every sing one of them.
I had the most unread emails from xxxconnormurphy666xx@gmail.com, I wonder what he sent me.

Dear Evan Hansen,
Your mom told me you wrote daily letters to yourself, so I'm going to attempt to do the same thing.
I doubt you'll ever read this, because why would you? But  for what ever reason you are, this is my apology to you.
I'm sorry for ruining your life. I fucked up so bad and I don't expect you to ever forgive me. I don't think I can fix things with you this time. When you left me I fell apart, all I could do was punch the wall and cry.
Please don't leave me alone. I've already been shit on and hurt by enough people in my life. You're the only person I can trust. I can't win this fight without you.
There's no worthy explanation for the things I've done, but I wish I could take them all back. All things the stupid things I have said and done, I just wish I could take them all back. But unfortunately I can't. I wish I could make all the pain and hurt I've caused you go away.
Sincerely, Me

Dear Evan Hansen,
Life at rehab is alright. I don't necessarily hate it here, I just don't want to be here. I'd rather be anywhere on the planet than be trapped here again. Also, I'd preferably like to be with you, I miss you so fucking much and you will never understand how much you mean to me.
I am so deeply in love with you. You are my number one priority right now.
Some of the people are really fucked, like to the point where it's scary. Some of these people don't me feel safe, I'm afraid they're going to try and murder me in my sleep or something. You've literally got every single stereotype you can think of here. Druggies, crackheads, rapists, whores, they all just want their drugs and will do anything to get it.
That's why so many people end up sucking dick for meth. They have art and music therapy though which I thought was pretty cool. For the first two weeks I was here they wouldn't even let me hold a pencil or a fork. Probably because  they thought I was going to try and hurt someone or myself. Yeah, because I can totally murder someone with a plastic fork.
Sincerely, me
All of his emails started and ended the same. I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase. It changed the meaning of the sentence. Did he intend this?

Dear Evan Hansen,
Everyone is so fucking worried about you. I know I'm the reason you ran away, I'm not being melodramatic when I say I can't function without you. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I don't think I can take more sleepless night, without you.
I'm driving myself fucking crazy, sometimes I wish I was dead but I can't make you suffer through that pain.
I feel like a part of me is missing, dead and gone.
You're constantly on my mind because I'm so concerned about you. The fact is I don't know if you're alive, you could be dead or bleeding.
You could change your name and ride up to Seattle just to start a new life. I'd support you no matter what.
The people at our school are being all mournful and grieving, but I think it's bullshit. Nobody gave a shit about you or me or any of us until you went missing. Everyone's leaving notes and lighting candles outside your locker.
they're all sad but it's a weird kind of sad. It's obvious they don't give a shit, they just pity you. Nobody cares about people like us. Guys like you and me are just the losers who keep waiting to be seen. No one seems to care or even stops to acknowledge the fact I exist.
I could've prevented ALL of this, but as always I fucked everything up. I'd do anything for you, I'd trade my life for yours, I'd make this whole world disappear.
I want to hear your voice. I want to see your beautiful face. I need you, more than you could ever possible know.
I truly believe we can work things out and everything can go back to the way it was before all this shot, I want us to be together again. You and me. Us and only us. Nobody else but the two of us.
You are the reason I'm not dead. You're my everything Evan Hansen.
Sincerely, Me.
He's words paralyzed my senses, the things he said would make me smile and laugh, or sometimes they would make me blush. I liked it when he talked about how important I am to him, it makes me feel special like I had a purpose. I know while I was almost dead, fighting for my life, there was someone who cared.
Him and Jared visited me everyday I was in the hospital. Connor would just sit there and talk to me. Sometimes even while I was unconscious, just because he wanted to see me. He never came out and confirmed it, but from the way he talks about me. I'm pretty sure we are or at least we were dating. The thought of us dating and being a couple, makes my stomach all warm and tingly.
He seems like such a sweet, caring, perfect and genuine person. I wish I remembered anything about him. I know the stuff he did to me was horrible, but that was in the past and everyone deserves a second chance. Plus he apologized to me multiple times in person and online. I genuinely believe he is sorry for his mistakes. Even though I don't remember him very well, I am fully convinced I'm falling in love with him.