Evan's POV
I shuffle through the hallway, avoiding eye contact with anyone, trying hard to remain unseen. Jared appears in my path, his arms spread open across his body. I instinctively go in for a hug.
"What are you doing?" He scoffs, pushing me away from him. He proceeded to dust himself off.
"I thought you were gonna hug me."
"You know you wearing dead sheep skin on your feet, right?"
"What?" I say, confused.
Jared gesture towards my feet. I'm wearing my favourite pair of grey Uggs.
"Uggs are made of dead sheep skin. Australia is fucking amazing. Isn't it?"
I stand there awkwardly, not having a response for him. My mind starts to wonder. Is that true? Could I be responsible for killing sheep? Oh my god. That's horrible. That's the worst thing I've ever done, I need to-
"Hey asshole." Jared waves a hand in front of my face, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Aren't ya gonna say anything?"
I shake my head quickly.
"No. Um. Have you seen Connor today?"
Jared scrunches his nose, almost like he's repulsed by what I had just asked him.
"Why would I talk to that asshole?"
"Hey!"
"If you want to pounce around on Connor Murphy's dick, that's fine. But don't expect me to keep track of your secret gay lover." I know. Me and Connor have been dating for months now, and we're still not completely out. Yeah, we told a couple of friends, Zoe and my mom. Other than that nobody else knows.
"If you're not going to take this seriously, just forgot it!"
"I'm not like a love expert or anything, but your relationship is toxic." Jared blurts out, casually.
"No, it's not. What do you even know about relationships?"
"More than you! I got to second-base-below-the-bra with that girl from Israel. The one that's going to be like in the army?""
I couldn't argue with that. Connor was the first person I've truly kissed, expect that one girl in grade six. Truth or dare doesn't count as your first kiss. According to Google.
"All I'm saying is he kinda treats you like shit. He gets mad at you for no fucking reason, cheats on you with your friends boyfriend, wants to kill me. Do I need to continue?" He takes off his glasses, tilts his head back and spits on the frame.
I wrinkle my nose in disgust. Jared is one of the grossest people I know. He uses his sleeve to clean the spit-covered lenses.
"He threatened to kill you?"
"Yeah, in the bathroom remember?"
I do. I guess I've been trying too hard to repress that memory. I have to beg Jared to even consider me his friend, now he's standing here trying to tell me Connor isn't any good for me?
"Well, I think you're wrong about Connor. Just because he did a few bad things, it doesn't mean he's a bad person."
"He hasn't just done one bad thing, you're just too fucking nice. You refuse to see all of his flaws."
"You've been ignoring me for days, than suddenly decide to criticize me? I don't get it."
"Stop trying to play the victim Evan."
I wasn't. He shoots me a glare, staring directly into my soul. I hate this feeling. I just want to disappear.
"I'm sorry." I mumble, quietly.
"Stop..."
"Really, I didn't mean—"
"Stop it! Stop being fucking sorry all the time."
His facial expression changes into something completely unreadable. The bell rings signifying class is about to start.
"When Connor does something stupid and breaks up with you, don't expect my sympathy." He says finally. I'm completely speechless. Once those words came out of his mouth, there was no taking them back. His words linger in the air uncomfortably. His tone was harsh and bitter. He starts to walk away from me, only turning back for a second. As if he was debating coming back to say something to me.
Ignoring the bell, I dash into the bathroom and lock myself in a stall. I sit on the floor, burying my head in my knees. I feel the fabric of my pants start to go damp with tears. What the hell is wrong with me?
I pull at my hair, so hard I swear I felt chunks fall off my head. Exiting the stall, I look at myself in the mirror.
Who is the person staring back at me? They're completely unrecognizable. Disgusting. Worthless. Pathetic. Broken.
Maybe, one day, I can look in the mirror and see something less ugly. But, that's probably just another fantasy.
I left school, ditching my last two classes. Run. Feet rapidly hit the pavement as I pick up speed, I keep going and don't stop.
Welcome to Ellison State Park.
I haven't been here since my apprenticeship ended last summer, that was also the day I broke my arm. I can't even be honest with myself. For months, I've been telling everyone I fell out of a tree and broke my arm. That's only half of the truth, I didn't fall. I let go. My phone vibrates in my pocket. It's Jared. He keeps texting me, probably apologizing, or insulting me.
Jared: im sorry
Jared: i know i was a dick
Jared: correction i AM a dick
Jared: not trying to be
Jared: are we good?
Jared: you didnt show up to fourth period
Jared: dude where are you?
Jared: evan hansen you better answer me
Jared: ill kill a tree
Jared: evan
Sitting in the highest tree, the same tree I broke my arm in, I sent Connor a message. We haven't spoken in three days, no fight or drama going on. Just haven't spoken to him, come to think of it. I haven't seen him either.
TreeBro: I love you.
Read 2:37 PM
I waited. Soon enough, I saw a thought bubble with three dots, indicating that he was typing. I watched the dots move across my screen, they kept going and going, until they just stopped. Why did he stop typing? Did he erase what he had to say? The message never came. I cried even harder than I did in the bathroom. He said he was mine. I thought he was my mine. He used to be mine. My eyes are drawn to my cast, the six letters are still perfectly scrawled out in permanent ink. CONNOR I'm re-reading all the cute texts he sent me, I miss him. I feel helpless without him.
He's my drug. Worse than any drugs. I'm addicted to him. I keep replaying the memories of last time I spent with him.
We went to the orchard, we spent hours just talking and being with the trees. That day simply seems like a distant, forgotten memory now. It's almost like it didn't happen in my world, it happened in some other dimension.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"T-text me when you get home."
"I promise." Connor held out his pinky and I willingly hooked onto it.
"I love you." He pressed his lips against my forehead.
"I love you too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you. The last thing he said to me. What I say doesn't matter to anyone. He left me. Just like everyone else in my life. All these emotions were too much for me to handle. Hurt, hate, rage, anger, sadness.
For once, I think Jared was right. He cheated on me, I brushed it off and forgave him so easily. It's like I didn't want to believe he would actually do something like that, I still don't believe he did that. Yeah, he's messed up and probably wasn't in a good mental state when he cheated. I guess that's the excuse I've used to try and redeem him. The Connor who slept with my best friends boyfriend, isn't my Connor. They're two completely different people. He's very violent. Anyone who says something he doesn't like, or tries to harm me in anyway, shape or form gets attacked. I don't agree with that, but it's his way of being protective over me. Our relationship is kind of toxic. I truly believe we can work everything out and be happy again, like when we first got together. We're getting better everyday. At this moment in time I wish I never met him. I wish I could forget who he is. If I didn't go to the computer lab to print out that letter, Connor wouldn't have taken it from me. I wouldn't have chased after him to explain myself, we would've never met.
We would've simply gone about the rest of our days, not knowing the other one even existed. Things could be different.
Connor Murphy, I hope that you burn.
YOU ARE READING
Falling In A Forest (DISCONTINUED)
Fanfiction"I was the darkness and Evan was my light."
