worlds pass by | dear evan hansen

Epilogue

The holidays were hard on everyone that year. Moira took it the worst. Even though Kasey technically no longer had ties to the Reynolds family, they always made sure to include her in their family gatherings. She came when she could, but always hated being with them without Jace by her side. It always felt like there was a gaping hole in their midst. And there was- his absence was impossible to ignore.

But now it was February, three months after Jace died. 

And despite the fact that she loved DEH and all of her fellow cast members, the show was becoming more and more emotionally taxing every day, no matter how hard she tried to pretend. 

She felt herself cracking under the pressure of being there, on that stage. Putting herself in Zoe's head space was too familiar, too real. Every night, it felt like she was being ripped in two, reliving Jace's suicide over and over again. 

Nothing helped- Jennifer came by after every show, Phoenix would bake cookies with her every Saturday. She went to therapy. She joined in all of the energetic dance sessions in Taylor's dressing room. But every minute she was telling that story, she could feel Jace's presence beside her, like a shadow.

It felt like she would fall apart if she stopped, if she had time to process what was happening.

It wasn't that she wanted to forget him. But part of her had known since November 27th that she had to leave. 

She just hadn't worked up the courage until now. 

@kaseywinslow:

after jace's death, deh has become overwhelming, both emotionally and physically for me because of what happened in the past year. as much as i love the show, i think it's best for me to move on and begin a new chapter. 

tonight will be my last show in dear evan hansen. i know that many of you will be disappointed that i'm leaving so soon into my run as zoe, but mallory is amazing and talented. i know she will breathe new life into this beautiful show in ways that i have ever been able to. 

to the cast- i love you, i love you, i love you. you mean so much to me. this isn't goodbye. 

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The city Kasey once loved was unrecognizable for her as she walked through the lit streets back to Carleigh's loft after her final bow. Everything seemed so unfamiliar now. 

Maybe it was because New York changed, but Kasey knew deep down that the difference, this time, was her.

Ever since Jace's death, the feeling had only become more apparent. She just hadn't wanted to accept it.

"How was your last show?" Carleigh asked when Kasey stepped inside.

"It was okay."

Kasey could feel something stirring in her chest. It was hard to breathe. She set her bag down on the floor and turned to her best friend, twisting the edges of her scarf in her hands.

"Do you want something? Hot chocolate? Tea?"

"Carleigh."

It wasn't loud enough. Carleigh didn't hear.

"I have some of that Twining's, if you -"

"Carleigh."

That caught Carleigh's attention. Immediately she set down the mug. "What is it?" she asked, her voice soft.

Kasey felt tears brimming in her eyes. She took a deep breath.

"Carleigh, I have to go," she managed.

"What?"

"I need to go," Kasey said again, as a wet tear ran down her face. Her heart felt heavy as the words left her mouth. " I have to leave. I can't stay here anymore. I don't know why, I just... I can't do it. I can't walk around these streets without seeing him."

Carleigh came around the table to wrap Kasey in a hug. "Oh, Kasey, I've known for a while."

"I don't want to go," Kasey cried, burying her face in Carleigh's shoulder. 

"But you need to. I know. I've known that this was going to happen since November."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was waiting for you to realize it for yourself. This is something you needed to decide on your own. I wasn't going to make that choice for you."

"I'm so sorry," Kasey said, pulling away and wiping tears off her face.

"Don't apologize. You never need to apologize for doing what you need to."

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too, Kasey. I love you. And you can always come back. Whenever you're ready."

Kasey hugged her friend tightly. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I don't deserve a friend like you."

"There's no one else I would rather have spent five years with," Carleigh told her, wiping her own tears off her cheeks. "Now, I think you have somewhere to be."

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A days later, Kasey sat alone, watching people rush past her. It felt so strange to be here, without her friends beside her. And without Jace.

At the same time, she felt lighter than she'd felt in months. It was liberating, knowing that she'd leave the city.

She loved New York. She really did. So many wonderful things had happened there. Alaina. Carleigh. Hamilton, Frozen, DEH. She'd met so many amazing people there. She'd accomplished so much in New York City.

But the city had also broken her many times over. Her foster parents, the shooting, the judgement ...

And Jace.

Everything about the city reminded her of Jace. Everywhere she went, memories of him followed. He was her shadow, even in death.

She couldn't bear it anymore. She couldn't keep thinking of him, the boy who had made her whole only to tear her apart.

Her heart was heavy, knowing what she was leaving behind. But she knew it would be worse to stay. She knew she would just regret not spending more time with Jace, not paying more attention, not marrying him the moment he proposed.

She stood up, glancing at the clock that was displayed on the screen, just as a voice came on over the loudspeaker.

"Now boarding at Gate C, flight 19, to London, England."

Kasey stepped into the tunnel, bag in hand, and didn't look back.