worlds pass by | dear evan hansen

Chapter 32

Kasey stepped into the dimly lit restaurant, her backpack slung on one shoulder. She'd just finished her matinee and had agreed to meet up with a few people for dinner between shows.

It was at one of her favorite restaurants- with a more informal atmosphere and comfy seating. The owners had chosen unique decorations, and the tables were low to the ground, so everyone sat on the floor on squishy pillows and blankets. Even though that set-up was usually prone to be messy, the restaurant was kept extremely clean, for which Kasey was grateful. 

"How many?" the hostess asked, twirling a pen between her fingers, her gum clicking loudly against her teeth. 

"I'm with Carleigh Bettiol," Kasey said, a little awkwardly. 

The hostess scanned her list. "Alright, follow me." 

They wove through the tables, and ducked through a low archway into a separate, less noisy area, filled with mostly couples. 

"Here you are," the hostess said, motioning toward a table in the corner.

Carleigh was already there, along with Laura Dreyfuss and Renee. 

"Hey, Kase," Carleigh greeted, giving Kasey a hug. Laura and Renee just waved.

"I'm glad all of you could make it," Kasey said, sliding into her seat next to Carleigh. "Hopefully you weren't waiting too long."

"No. Plus, Christy's not here yet either. Her stage door seems like a mess to get through," Laura reassured her. "How was the show?"

"It was okay," Kasey shrugged. "It could have gone a little better, but there's always room for improvement. It was just an off day, you know?"

Laura nodded. "I totally understand that, especially with DEH. There's only so many times you can take your emotions to that level without getting exhausted."

No one mentioned the fact the emotions Kasey was going through, thankfully. They all knew how much she hated talking about it. 

Christy hurried in, looking a little frazzled and windswept, tiny hairs coming out of her ponytail. "I'm so sorry I'm late, the stage door was a nightmare today."

"We all understand what that's like, you're fine," Kasey said. Christy sat beside Kasey as the waitress brought over another glass of water. 

They sat in relative silence as everyone looked over their menus. 

Kasey knew there was an elephant in the room- Jace. She could tell that Renee wanted to talk about it, even though she tried to hide it. Renee really was never that good at keeping her heart off her sleeve.

"Jace's funeral is in a week," Kasey said, giving up. "You're all invited... it's in the Lunt-Fontanne. December 18. It's a Monday. I don't know if your shows have off. And you don't have to come, I know some of you weren't all that close..."

"I'll be there," Christy promised. 

Carleigh didn't say anything- Kasey had told her before. Renee clasped Kasey's hand from across the table.

"No matter what, I'll be there too. I know how much he meant to you."

"Same here," Laura said, nodding. "I'll make sure that I'm there."

"Thank you," Kasey swallowed the lump in her throat. "It means a lot. To me."

They were quiet again after that, for a while. 

"If you need to rant, or anything," Laura spoke up. "I think we've all stood where you're standing at some point. I know that this isn't where you want to be... but if you need people to talk to, I think we're all here for you."

Carleigh put a hand on Kasey's knee under the table, giving her a little smile.

"I didn't want to get emotional today," Kasey told them, wiping away the tears forming in her eyes. "But thank you. It's not easy."

"Oh, Kasey, I know," Renee said.

Christy didn't say anything. Her hands were clasped so tightly together on the table that her knuckles were turning white. 

"I can't help but think that the funeral isn't what Jace would have wanted," Kasey admitted. "His family is turning it into a huge affair. It just don't seem like him. I don't know how to feel about it."

"I think it's important for them to get some closure. About what happened. Even if it's not what he wouldn't have chosen for himself... a funeral is more for the people who miss him, not for him. It's to honor his life in a healthy way," Renee said thoughtfully.

"It's just... it's not what I thought I'd be doing, you know?"

"No one saw it coming," Carleigh said gently. "I think you're handling everything well, considering. And, don't just step aside and let Moira plan all of it. The funeral's for you, too. Don't forget that."

"I know."

Just then, their food came, breaking everyone out of the heavy mood that had fallen on the table. Kasey glanced over at Christy.

Her friend was trying her best to put on a brave face, but Kasey had noticed that she'd been mostly quiet during the dinner.

The rest of the evening fell into comfortable chatter, with everyone telling stories about onstage mishaps, press shenanigans, and rehearsal mischief. 

Kasey, despite herself, laughed along with the rest of her friends.

As everyone was leaving, Kasey stopped Christy before she could step out the door. 

"This wasn't your fault," she told Christy. "I know... I know you blame yourself. I blame myself too, more than you could ever know. But it wasn't your fault. This shouldn't be your burden to bear. It's mine."

"But I do blame myself," Christy said, with tears in her eyes. "Jace and I... I'd see him in the street, after stagedooring. We talked, sometimes. He'd tell me things, things he didn't want to tell you. I tried to get him to tell you, I didn't think that he should be keeping things from you. I didn't try hard enough. It's my fault, that he... that he died."

Kasey shook her head. "It's not. It's not your fault. You tried, I know you did. And you... you let him talk about the things that he didn't tell me. You gave him an outlet.  And I think- I think that it would have been worse. If he hadn't had you."

"I didn't do anything to help him. All I did was listen. I should have told you, I'm so sorry," Christy cried. "I didn't want to invade your personal life, and he's dead because I wasn't brave enough to suck it up and tell you."

"Christy. Listening was one of the best things you could have done. Thank you, for being his friend," Kasey told her. "Truly. Thank you."

They stood there outside the restaurant, under the streetlight. 

"I'm sorry that he called you," Kasey said after a minute. "You shouldn't have had to deal with that. I can't imagine how that feels."

"It's okay," Christy wiped the tears off her cheeks, taking a deep breath. "I'm glad that he felt comfortable enough... to do that. I wouldn't have wanted you to find out that, and I don't think he did either."

"Still."

Christy threw her arms around Kasey, hugging her tightly. "I will do anything to make this easier for you. That includes the phone call, okay? You deserve so much happiness, Kasey, and the call... that's for me to deal with."

"I'm glad Jace had you, Christy."