Would You Do It Again?

Chapter 10

For various reasons...I'm going to discontinue Andre's accent...except when he talks.

ANDRE

The pills felt heavy in my hand. I popped two in my mouth, immediately feeling the joy I would get from them. Two years ago I was given anti-depressants, but I never took them. Now was the perfect time to take them.

"Fuckin hate church folk,"I mumbled to myself.

My phone buzzed a few times in my pocket. I didn't even pick it up because I knew exactly who it was. It was Kathryn. She kept apologizing for tonight, but I didn't care. I was over her. I've been nothing but nice to her and already, she got me fucked up.

The pills began to affect my mind. I rested my head on the steering wheel of my car. This wasn't the life I intended to live. I wanted to be a college professor. I wanted to teach biology, which I know a lot about. With an accent like this, and nothing but a diploma I can't do shit but wait.

The lake glistened in the moonlight. I got out of the car and walked towards it. My feet sunk into the water with each step that I took. My mind fluttered back to the night everything took place.

"400 likes? But can't een send me $400 fa our chil'e!"I shouted.

I threw my cracked iPhone onto the ground. This was complete bullshit. Ebony knew she would ruin my life, but she wouldn't let Amarah change hers. I was scrolling through her instagram but enough became enough.

Amarah was starting to look more and more like her everyday. I hated it. God how could I hate my own fucking child? How could I?

I jumped out of the car. I took staggered steps as I walked to the lake. Ebony and I met here. We we're in love, but now we're strangers.

"How tha fuck I end up hea God?" I shouted to nobody. "I just want ta fuckin kna! I give ma all in e'erything but I'm still fuckin hea! I don't want ta be hea!"I shouted.

I reached for the knife in my pocket. I held it against my wrist and watched as the blood ran down my arm. I continued to cut very slowly into my skin along my arms, my legs, my chest. My clothes began to stain a deep red. I cringed at what I was doing. I knew that even if I did make it, I would still have an infection.

I began to walk into the murky water. My body cried as the water hit my new cuts. It was a refreshing feeling I never felt before. I finally felt in control of something. Finally I felt like I had shit in my own hands. Who knew it would be life or death?

The water rose to my shoulders. I knew I couldn't swim and it was the perfect way to die. Someone would eventually come to the lake and find a body. If they didn't they would find Amarah.

I inhaled one last time. That breath was the last thing I would remember. I took it for Amarah. I took it for my mother. I took it for Ebony. I took it for everyone and everything on this very earth.

I sunk down into the water feeling the breath escape my lungs. My body cried more and more. I closed my eyes and waited for it all to end.

"Didn't think I'd find you here,"A voice spoke.

I looked over and saw that nigga Darnell sitting down. He still had on his nice hospital clothes but they were muddy. He had a bottle of beer in his hand and a tissue in the other.

"Want some? I can't drink all of this myself."

He held up a 6-pack. I slowly walked over to take one. I hadn't had anything to drink in awhile but a nigga sure was missing it. I shouldn't be drinking cause I took those pills but oh fucking well.

"You know Kathryn and I we weren't always like this.
We we're that couple and now we're that couple,"He changed the emphasis on each that.

I took a gulp out of the bottle. It felt fucking great to have something in my system. I sucked my teeth as he continued to talk.

"When I first met her, I thought she was a gold digging whore. Then she proved me wrong. We did everything together. I mean like everything. Now we can't even have a conversation. She brushes me off like I'm a piece of shit bro."

I shook my head, "You sound just like your name."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ya sound white nigga. Ya fuckin' borin. Getta life,"I mumbled.

"I won't argue that."

"Ya kna I tried ta kill ma'self three times in da past five yea's. Each time I always fucking survived. What ya think that is?"I asked.

He looked at me with a soft smile. He set his bottle down and brought his legs to his chest. It was cold and I could tell he was freezing.

"Mr. Harper I believe in something called fate. Some say it's God, some say it's aliens but I believe it's something greater than all of those beings. Fate is your path for life. Everyone has a path. Some are short and some are long. Yours, Mr. Harper is obviously pretty long. See fate needs you. I don't know if it's for your daughter, maybe me, or even the whole city. You're here for a reason. Now when you try to interfere with fate, it will cause you problems. Trying to end it all Mr. Harper has, in your words, fucked ya up."

I laughed at his imitation of me. I don't know if he was right, but I know for a fact that it's a possibility. Majority of my problems came from my first suicide attempt. The rest just followed.

"Ya know Darnell. I don't think ya wrong."

"Oh I'm never wrong. In fact, every medical test I've ever taken I've always made a-"

I stood up, "And that's ma cue. It's time fa me ta go pick up Amarah."

He looked down at his watch, "It's 3:30 in the morning you know. You should get some rest."

"I'll consider it Darnell. Goodnight nigga," I whispered as I walked away.

"Mr. Harper?"I turned around and looked at him. He was staring into the lake. "Lay off the pills."

I laughed and began to walk towards my car. I saw the pill bottle laying on my front seat.

Fate.

Fate's doesn't want me to take these pills, that's why my life is hell.

I poured all of the pills in my hand. I got out of my car and walked slowly to the lake. I dumped them out into the water and watched some sink, and some float.

"You either sink or you float. You, Mr. Harper, have chosen to float."

I nodded in agreement. I'd given up on running away from fate.

KATHRYN

My new nurse walked in humming. She was an older white lady. I smiled because she would be easily negotiable.

"Excuse me ma'am. I would like my release papers."

"Oh no no no! Mrs. Ste-"

"How many times I gotta tell y'all I ain't married to that shitbag? Huh?"I shouted.

She looked down at her clipboard to make sure she was in the right room. On it my previous last name was crossed out and replaced. It's not my fault she can't read.

"Ms. Smith, you can't leave. You haven't fully recovered, or gained all of your memory."

I smiled, "As a nurse you know I have rights. I have the right to refuse treatment. So listen, I want to leave. If you don't give me those papers, I will sue this hospital without flinching, and guess what! It would be your fucking fault. So do it or get fired,"I spoke calmly.

She nodded and raced out of the room. I smiled and began to grab my things. Free at last, free at last.