Moving In || l.r.h

• 18 •

We were sat down in my bed with the TV on. Kaela was watching it but I wasn't. I was underneath my covers and had pulled them up to my nose. We were cuddling slightly but that meant me leaning on her chest as she laughed at the stupid jokes on TV. I wanted to watch it but I couldn't, my mind was spinning and I couldn't even focus on talking to Kaela for more than a few seconds.

I don't know what had happened to me. I wanted to escape but I didn't know where to. I wanted to know why I felt this way but I couldn't even explain how I felt.

"Hollie?" Kaela said tapping my arm lightly. I looked up at her and hummed my acknowledgment. "What happened?" Her face was riddled with curiosity and worry. I knew I couldn't keep it from her but recently I was getting worse and worse and even sharing the small things without completely contradicting myself over and over.

"I was on the way to maths and I was speaking to Calum about things, how I would stand him being around but not dig up my past to him because I don't know him. We were walking into class after that holding hands, because he looked really sad and Luke walked past and looked at me like shit and then just carried on walking. Like I understand I don't like him and he doesn't like me but it just confused me and then Calum was being way too over friendly and I want to talk to Ashton but I can't and Michael is just always there somewhere around the corner and it's just... I don't even know anymore." I pulled the cover all the way over the top of my head and groaned, loudly.

"So it was Luke that made you feel like this?" She asked. I might of been under a blanket but I could practically hear her gigantic smile. I whipped the duvet over my head, looked her dead in the eye and said:

"No!" Before retreating back into my hibernation zone.

"Don't lie to me," She pressed. It wasn't Luke. I hated him. Yeah sure him looking at me like that made me feel like crap but that's because that's how he looked at me.

"I'm not lying! All day I've been off with that stupid Milly stuff and then Calum trying to ask and Michael doing whatever he was doing and Luke just not being there and then walking past and looking like Calum had just opened one of his Christmas presents and trashed it. I'm confused Kae," I sighed finally admitting it was Luke who had kicked it off but there was a lot more to it.

"I know. I think you should talk to Luke-" I scoffed. "No hear me out here H. He's walking around with Milly like he owns the place but when he looks at you he looks vulnerable, like your his prize that's just that little too far out of reach. You might not see it but everyone else does. Why else would Milly be so infatuated with him and none of the others? She doesn't know exactly what's happened with Ashton but she already ruined that and now she can see that Luke, beneath all that sarcasm and those dirty looks, likes you and she hates it." I thought about her words but I couldn't bring myself to believe them. I didn't want to. Or maybe it was because I did want to believe them that I couldn't...

"Everything was so much easier before they started moving in..." I groaned turning around so my face was nestled into my pillow and my voice was muffled so even I couldn't understand what I was saying, if it was even anything.

"Sort it out with him H," she continued. "I know you don't like him but I hate seeing you like this, especially knowing that deep down it is him that is doing this and you do actually like him." I buried myself further into my bed and just let everything wash over me. I was tired of fighting it. I didn't have the strength anymore. I had always been strong and supportive to Kaela, I'd always been that person everyone thought was bullet proof. But I wasn't and I needed someone there for me just as much as I was there for others.

Kaela quickly made a tent with the duvet and turned the torch on her phone on and looked at me.

"Babe..." she started. This was the one time I needed her. I shuffled over slightly and lay my head in her lap whilst silently sobbing. She might not have heard me but she felt me shaking.

"I just can't be strong anymore Kaela, it's not me."

"Don't be stupid Hollie. You're the strongest girl I know! You've made it through so much and you came out smiling! You put a brave face on everyday and walk around like you own the place, you own everywhere you walk and I know when you get into it that's you! You just need to believe that it is, come on Hollie don't let it get like this again, please," she begged.

"I can't help it. I just can't. I put on a brave face but inside I'm dying. Having people scared of you or intimidated by you isn't as fun as it looks. Sure it gets people off your back but i want nothing more than to just stop. Stop having to fake it, stop having people scared of me, stop having people judge me, stop Milly hating me because that's ruining my life, and just stop knowing those fucking new boys. I don't have it in me anymore to pretend."

"I hate what she's done to you again," she murmured.

"What?" I asked momentarily confused.

"This! Hollie you're broken! You haven't been this bad since you know when." I looked down at my wrists in the dark cave that was my duvet and then realized how hot it was getting. "She did it last time and she's doing it again. She wants to see you broken and I don't know how she's managed it again but it's worked and it's pissing me off. A lot."

"Kael-"

"No this is wrong! You shouldn't have to live your life afraid of what she might do to it! No matter what you try and do she'll shoot you down and get there first. I just hate it! Hollie she made you try to kill yourself! I know it wasn't just her it was family and other things but she topped it off for you and you know it. I won't let her do it again." Angry. Her voice was angry more than anything. Angry that Milly had done this but I knew there was a bigger reason. She didn't ever want to see me like this again and now she had to.

"I'll be okay Kaela," I tried to persuade her but the truth was I couldn't even persuade myself anymore.

********

"Luke?" I asked. My face was screwed up into an angry, confused face as I put the phone to my ear. I tried to even my breathing out so I could sound normal. 

"Hollie?" He whispered, his voice sounded hurt, wounded, like someone had hit him in the stomach, hard.

"Why the hell are you calling me? After everything?" I shouted, there wasn't any time for asking him how he was. Today again he had done nothing but laugh at me with Milly, so I was told. 

"You weren't in school today."

"Yeah I know, well done," I snapped.

"Why?" He asked. I didn't know why he was asking so many questions, but I did know he was avoiding me.

"Luke are you gonna answer my question or keep being a dick?" I wasn't in the mood for messing around. I had missed school that day because I didn't feel good about myself. I was going to go in but Kaela stopped me, saying it wasn't healthy and she wasn't sure if I could do it and to be fair I didn't know if I could either so it was probably for the best.

"I wanted to talk to you because I was annoyed," he answered me bluntly still trying to avoid the real reason.

"About what? And don't you have Milly to cry on?" I hissed. He couldn't just phone me up like that, I didn't even like him! He looked at me like trash and then suddenly he's phoning me up because he feels bad? No.

"That's the point I can't..."

"So I'm your second choice after the wicked witch of the west?" I snarled. I wasn't going to put up with this for much longer.

"No... That's not what I meant Hollie," he replied, he was trying to comprise but it wasn't working.

"Well why don't you tell me what you mean them Lucas?"

"I'm sorry." My eyes popped eyes and I'm so glad he couldn't see me because if I had a drink in my mouth it would be all over the floor.

"W-Wh-What?" I stuttered.

"I said I'm sorry, don't make me repeat it again."

A/N: Right so I'm sorry about the cliffhanger but hey it's okay I'll update soon I promise I've just been VERY busy! But I dedicate this to Hannah as she'll probably get pissed at this 😂