American Woman: Book 4

Chapter 63

September 2005
"Jensen, I think you're ready to stop taking your PPD medication. You've been on them for six months without a single episode of having hallucinations or hearing things or any other symptoms of psychosis." Laura tells me on a beautiful first day of autumn.
"Really?" I smile hopefully. "So I'm fully recovered?!"
"No. That can only truly be determined once you go off medication." She explains matter of factly.
"So how long do I have to be off medication to be considered having made a full recovery?"
"At least six months, and without a single symptom...."
"So what happens if I have a symptom?" I hesitantly ask.
"First of all, it would start your time over for a full recovery diagnosis. So let's say in two months, you have a symptom, I would start the six months over. Make sense?"
"Yes..."
"As far as the plan of action would depend on the severity of the symptom. If it's something as mild as just some anxiety or depression, not saying that isn't serious, but we would either just continue therapy and maybe add more sessions a week or put you on a weaker medication than the one for psychosis."
"What about if it's the severe symptoms again?"
"Then you automatically get back on your current medication for six more months before you can attempt getting off again." 
"I'm scared..." I blurt out before even thinking.
"I understand. It is very scary. But look at it this way, you, Prince, and I all know signs to look for and the probability of us catching it right off the bat, IF it does happen, are very high. We would put you right back on medication before things got out of hand like before. You've had great success on the medication so getting back on is almost a guarantee you would be symptom free again..."
"But I don't want to be on it for the rest of my life. And I want to have more children..."
"I know you don't want to be on it forever. Nobody does. I have faith you won't. But I'm going to be honest with you, there is about a 50/50 chance you will have to get back on it at least once before being able to stop it for good. Having more children, of course, can always bring symptoms back and we have to start all over...."
"And there's no way to be pregnant and on the medication..."
"Absolutely not! It is extremely harmful to a fetus." She warns rather harshly. "Jensen, I really need you to not be wrapped up in getting pregnant in the near future. Like I've told you before, that may not ever be a healthy option for you, and certainly not anytime soon. You are still taking your birth control, right?"
"Yes, religiously. So, um, if it may not be possible for me to carry more children on my own, would other options still be available to me? I mean like surrogacy or adoption?"
"Of course. I mean I'm not sure what kind of hoops you have to jump through to adopt, but I'm sure if you showed you were actively taking care of your illness, that would be sufficient enough..."
"That's what I'm afraid of. That I might be deemed too crazy to adopt..."
"On mediation, you would pass any psychological exam you may have to possibly take in order to adopt or have a baby via a surrogate. But, again, Jensen, please don't rush having more children. You need to focus on you, Prince, and your current two children."
And as much as I knew she was right, I was still bothered by the fact that I may not be able to bear more children for Prince. Not that I think he would leave me or love me any less if I couldn't, but I just don't see him coming around to surrogacy or adoption very easily. I wish I could just will my mind to be better and not relapse. I wish it could be just a decision I could make or a habit I had to kick, not something that was literally out of my control.

By the first week in October, I had been off meds for almost a month and so far, everything was smooth sailing. Brian and Kim were finally tying the knot this weekend and once they come back from their honeymoon, we planned on picking lessons back up more regularly for both us and Devon. We had started them back up about once or twice a week in April and then by the summer we were up to three to four times. Now we were going to shoot for all the weekdays, at least for Devon. Mostly, at this point, she just needs articulation help. But we still want her, and us, to be fluent in sign language. Waverly's first birthday was at the end of this month and so that was also on my current agenda. I wanted to do all the planning and preparing for it. And, most important of all, Prince was scheduled for double hip replacement on November 5.
He had been working on a new album that he was hoping to drop in the early spring, but he promised me no tour with it. Somehow I don't completely believe him though because he has found these two young Australian twins named Maya and Nandy to be his backup singers and dancers. When I asked "for what?," he just responds "for when I need them."
They now live in Minnesota and come over and rehearse with him whenever he feels inclined, so they are basically at his beck and call. Thankfully I actually like them and enjoy listening to their accents, so I haven't gotten jealous or pissed. I did however question why he was bringing dancers back, I kinda thought he had moved away from that after Mayte but he informed me to "stay in my lane."
We had decided to take Devon to the wedding since the bride and groom are such an integral part of her life. However, we decided against taking a now mobile, never still, Ms. Wiggle Pants. She was still the most laid back, happy baby, but she didn't like to be held for too long before wanting to get down and explore. Since the wedding was in LA, we arranged for Mayte and Lenny to watch her that evening.
So on Friday we boarded a plane to the City of Angels. The last time I had boarded a plane with my girls or been back there, was when I ran off almost a year ago. I tried to not dwell on that mistake as we took our seats for takeoff. As soon as the pilot informed us we could take our seatbelts off, Devon was out of her chair and running around. "Ok this isn't going to work. You need to sit down." I demand, putting Waverly down on the floor.
"Why I gots to sit down but Waverwee don't gots to?!" She sasses.
I give Prince "the look," and he scoops her up and starts walking to the back room with her. I hear him saying "girl, you don't be giving your momma attitude. I don't want to have to take off my belt and whoop your butt."
"Daddy, you no wear a belt!" She giggles.
"Well don't give me a reason to have to start!" He tells her as he closes the door behind them, leaving me to monitor the baby trying to get used to walking on unsteady ground. I couldn't help but get a kick out of her walking around like a drunk. A few minutes later, Prince comes back out, announcing that he had found a DVD for her to watch on the small tv. I pull out a ziploc bag of snickerdoodles I had made before we left. "Come here Waverly, you want a cookie? They're your sister's favorite but since she's being a smarty pants, we won't tell her." I chuckle, as Waverly gives up on walking and crawls over to me and I hand her a pinch of a cookie. She shoves in her mouth and then gives a disgusted look and begins spitting it out. I try to give her another piece and she pushes my hand away. "Yucky!"
"You must aren't going to be a junk food, Cookie Monster, like Devon." Prince laughs, grabbing one out of the bag and taking a big bite. He, too, gets the same repulsive look and quickly finds a napkin and spits out the contents into it. "What kind of cookie is this?! It IS awful!"
"Hey! I made them! They're snickerdoodle." I defend myself and take what was left of Prince's cookie and devour it.
It only took a couple of chews before I, too, was wanting it out of my mouth. "Oh my lord! It taste like crap! I must have forgotten an ingredient! I know that recipe like the back of my hand though." I replied, perplexed by how I was able to mess up cookies I've literally made a hundred times.
I brushed it off and Prince, Waverly, and I enjoyed the rest of the flight playing peek-a-boo, tickling, and looking at touch and feel books. As Prince yelled for Devon to come buckle back up before landing, the bag of cookies caught her eye as she made her way to her seat. Before we could stop her, she shrieked, "cookies!" and shoveled one in her mouth and then immediately spit them out into her hand. "They disgusting!  Daddy, did you make them?"