American Woman: Book 4

Chapter 41

About ten minutes later, I was totally exhausted from doing CPR, combined with a state of sheer panic. I heard the front gate being buzzed and knew I had to leave Prince to let Dr. Curren inside. Luckily I was close to one of the boxes that controls the gate. "I'll be right back." I say, as if Prince can hear me and rush and hit the button to open the gate and sprint back to Prince. He still had a faint pulse and was breathing every few seconds on his own, but he was still unconscious. It hit me that the doctor would have no idea where to find us so I had to leave Prince again to go down the elevator to meet him and bring him upstairs. I kiss Prince, saying "I love you. Help is on its way. I am coming right back."
Once I get to the lobby, Dr. Curren is standing outside the door looking frazzled. "He's upstairs." I say quickly, ushering him towards the elevator.
"How much wine did he consume?" He asks, pulling a needle from his bag and prepping it.
"Half a glass. It didn't even cross my mind he couldn't have it. I don't know how I could be so stupid." I sob.
"Well thankfully half a glass isn't much. Have you been doing CPR?"
"Yes. He's got a heartbeat and he's breathing on his own a little. I wish this damn elevator would hurry up!" I shriek.
"You need to stay calm. He will be alright. This shot will reverse the effects of the pills and alcohol. It's quite a little miracle antidote." He explains.
"Yeah, he has had one before. A few months ago. I wasn't around, he was in Milwaukee. What he told me was he took some pain pills of someone else's and downed them and had to get a shot to revive him. Can someone have another one this soon?!" I ask, starting to panic that maybe this wouldn't be an option.
"Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, it can be given to people over and over and over. Some drug addicts actually know that and think it won't matter if they keep overdosing bc this shot will save them. Very misguided but they usually aren't the most rational people. It can even be sold over the counter now so some just keep some with them at all times." He explains as the elevator doors open.
We both jump off and hurry over to Prince. His face was beginning to turn blue. Thankfully the doctor administered the Narcan shot to him, which brought him back to life almost immediately. He slowly opened his eyes and I collapsed on him crying. Dr. Collins pulled me off and helped Prince sit up. "What happened?" Prince asked, obviously confused and in a daze.
"You mixed Fentanyl and alcohol. That's a big no-no. You almost died." The doctor informed him.
"Shit!" Prince sighs, putting his head in his hands. "Who are you?"
"Dr. Curren..."
"He's the addiction specialist I told you about." I interjected. "I called him when I couldn't wake you up."
"Yeah, your wife insisted no 911 call basically just to save your public image. But if this happens again, I will demand it. I am not ok..."
"We understand." Prince interrupts him.
"I advise both of you going straight to bed and I'll will be here in the morning to go over everything, especially how to avoid this again. Not only will I not come to the rescue next time, but I will be off your case and recommend going to actual rehab. That's if you even survive it next time. This is a bit of a risky game we are playing here. I can help, but since I won't be here 24/7, it all falls on you Jensen. You have to know what to do and not do."
"I know." I choke out. "I'm so sorry."
Prince pulls me into him in a comforting embrace. "We will see you tomorrow." He says and I hear the doctor's footsteps leaving. A couple minutes later, Prince pulls me back and looks at me. He kisses my tear stained cheeks. "It's ok momma. You didn't do anything wrong.   That guy is kind of a jerk..."
"No, he is right. I don't think I'm competent to be making all the decisions. What was I thinking saying it was ok to have wine! I'm an idiot...."
"No, you're not! It didn't really cross my mind either. I actually can't believe I didn't do it on my own before now. Good thing I'm not a big drinker." He slightly chuckles.
"This isn't funny! Baby you almost died. You weren't breathing! You barely had a heartbeat. I had to give you CPR..."
"Mmmm some mouth to mouth?" He jokes, making me even more irate.
"This isn't a joke!"
"I know." He responds, solemnly. "I know you were scared. But I'm ok. I really appreciate you keeping the paramedics and media away. I don't deserve the way you take care of me. Thanks for saving me momma."
"I didn't. That magic shot did. It might not have been the smartest decision to not call 911. I don't know if I'm cut out to do this...."
"I'm not going to force you to, but I do have faith in you. The alcohol was a mishap. We just weren't thinking. I know with proper guidance, we can do this. Together."
"I know you need someone more qualified than me. But I also know we are in a special circumstance. I don't want this out anymore than you do. Mainly for our girls' sakes. But I can't guarantee I can do the job without eventually..."
"If it gets to where you can't or won't, I'll just have to deal with what comes. I know how hard you are trying. You know I could hear what you were saying. But I couldn't make myself wake up. I was trying to get back into my body. I could hear how scared you were and I didn't want to do that to you."
"Like an out of body experience?" I ask.
"Yeah, I guess. I didn't see a light or anything. Maybe that means I'm going to hell."
"Stop." I chuckle a little. "I thought you were going to die. I mean I've been worried about that for awhile now. But actually seeing it puts it on a whole other level. Now I see how you felt those times with me...not that I ever got this bad."
"I know how you feel. You wish you could take their place. Do anything if they will just be ok. Or at least that's how I felt when it was you." He responded, looking deeply into my eyes.
I suddenly got lost in the moment. Being so thankful he was alive, mixed with just wanting my husband, family, and life back. I quickly moved in and captured his lips with mine. He responded immediately to me, pulling me into his lap. I straddle him, wrapping my legs around his waist. He parts his mouth, inviting me in and I oblige. I explore his mouth with my tongue like it was new territory. He moans loudly, and gently tugs on my bottom lip with his teeth. Our tongues fight for dominance as my hands stroke his hair. Prince breaks the kiss, moving his mouth over to my ear "I love you" he whispers and then moves his kisses down my neck. He places his hands on my hips and rocks me against his clothed crotch. I could feel him rising to attention in his pants and I couldn't help but gasp a little as he was grinding into my covered clit, my panties beginning to get soaked from my own juices. He grabs at the hem of my shirt and pulls it off over my head. As the shirt touched the bump on the back of my head, the memory of what he had done a couple of nights earlier came flooding back to me. "Stop!" I demand sternly.
Thankfully he let go off my hips  and stopped kissing me right away. "What's wrong momma?"
"We can't do this. It's too soon. I don't want to complicate things..."
"Jensen, we are married. I love you and you love me. So how can this be wrong?" He asked.
"I'm not saying it's wrong. It just isn't smart right now. I am so happy you are ok. Tonight scared me. I never want to lose you like that. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to be with you again. And as much as my body wants you, and maybe even my heart, I have to go with my head."
"Baby, always go with your heart...."
"Not this time. You have to trust me. If you want there to be any chance of our marriage lasting, we have to stayed focused. No sex, no touching, no kissing. Nothing that even resembles being a married couple..."
"Jensen it doesn't have to be that way. We can work on us and mend our marriage as I am recovering."
"Maybe eventually. Not this soon. I can't make love to someone who two nights ago wanted to snuff the life out of me. I won't degrade myself to that again. I only did it before bc I feared for my life. And I hated every second of it. I love you, but I just don't know if I can ever be with you again. Just like you need time to recover from drugs, I need time to recover from being beaten and almost killed by you."
"Oh honey." He sighs, burying his head in my exposed cleavage. "I wish you would let me show you how sorry I am...."
"Apologizing or having sex with me won't prove anything. You working hard to get better and earn back my trust will truly show me how sorry you are." I assure him. "Let's go to bed. I'm more physically and mentally drained right now than I've ever been in my life. Even worse than having newborns."
"I miss my girls." He blurts out.
"I know you do. They miss you too. You know I think we tried our best to keep our faith alive on tour but it just didn't happen as well as when we are home and attending church. I think that was part of what made you susceptible to the drugs and everything that came with it...the lying, the hiding of illegal activity, the violence. We have to both get spiritually grounded again. Let's pray together like we used to."
Prince and I prayed a tearful prayer together...for his recovery, to mend our marriage, and for our girls to be safe and loved until we can be with them again. As we climbed into bed together, it just felt natural to be in each other's arms. I knew I was sending mixed signals to him, but it was bc I was so confused myself. I was hoping as the days and weeks go by it would become more evident if I would actually be able to stay married to him. Selfishly, I wanted a clear cut answer. Either he can't get clean and I could leave him without guilt. Yes I would be heartbroken, but at least I would know I did all I could do. Or I wanted him to be able to get and stay clean and to be able to trust him again in every aspect. What I was afraid of is that he would get clean, I would take him back, and then he would fall off the wagon sooner than later. Or he would actually stay off drugs but I wouldn't be able to get over all my trust issues with him. I refuse to be in a relationship where I am constantly consumed by worry about what the other person is doing. It's no way to live. And I, for damn sure, won't stay if he ever lays a hand on me or threatens to kill me, high or not. I can't live in that vicious cycle, and I won't expose my girls to it. Or teach them it's ok to stay with a man who does or says those things to them. My exhaustion finally overtook me and I fell asleep wrapped up in the arms of a man I feel like I barely even knew, yet loved with my whole heart.