American Woman: Book 4

Chapter 65

Almost the whole car ride back to Lenny's house was filled with Devon having a meltdown because we told her we were not getting a dog or puppy or any sort of animal. The fact that it was inching up on her bedtime was a huge source of the tantrum too. First she begged, when that didn't work she tried bargaining, and when that also didn't work, she just flat out broke down in tears, thrown in with a couple of screams and one kick to the back of my seat before I whipped around to talk to her. "Listen, I understand you're upset. It's ok to cry. It is even ok to be angry. It is NOT ok to throw a fit. You may not scream in the car or kick my seat. I want you to take a few deep breaths with me. Ok?" I ask calmly.
"Ok, mommy." She sniffles out softly.
I finally got her settled down, needless to say it involved saying maybe ONE DAY we could get a pet. Little does she know, one day isn't soon. But it worked for the moment to get her to stop freaking out. Once we arrived at our destination, she was over it and excited to see Lenny and Mayte again. I saw that Waverly was crashed out in Mayte's arms as we entered the living room. Thankfully I had remembered to bring her pjs so she was in them already and we could put her right in her crib once we got back. Of course it didn't take long before Devon started in that she wanted to spend the night there. At first, Prince and I both adamantly said that she couldn't. However, even Mayte and Lenny started in on the pleading and eventually convinced us to let both girls stay.
Less than an hour later, we kissed Waverly bye and gave Devon a "you better be good" pep talk/threat, and thanked Lenny and Mayte.
Once we arrived back at the LA residence, we took advantage of not having any children with us when Prince stripped me of my dress and had his way with me on the staircase leading up to our bedroom. As we finished up, I say "I guess we better get to bed. I don't want to leave the girls there all day tomorrow. It's gotta be at least 2:00 am..."
"What?! Momma it's only maybe 10:30. Are you tired?" Prince asked, looking confused by my apparent horrible track of time.
"No, I'm not really that tired. I just thought it was after midnight for sure. Felt the wedding was hours ago. You think Amy and Shawn will get pregnant right away..."
"You mean Kim and Brian? That's who got married tonight." He corrected me.
"Oh yeah, that's who I meant." I giggled, standing up and making my way to the bathroom to shower.
Prince followed behind me. "I don't know. I would hope they would before Amy and Shawn that's for sure. I'm glad Amy is anti-children because she sure doesn't need to be a mom..."
"Hey! Don't judge something like that. You never know. Sometimes the people you least expect to be a good parent actually are and vice versa."
"I guess. But if you don't like children in general, like her, maybe you really should refrain. As long as Brian is cool with it. I just hope he doesn't pressure her into it and then she hates it...."
"That's true. Maybe they should have gotten to know each other better before they ran off and eloped..."
"Who's judging now?" He jokes, as we both begin to rinse off our spent bodies.
The next thing I remember, I woke up to the same damn sensation of something crawling under my skin, but now it was up and down both my arms. I look over at the clock to see that it was almost 1:00 am. I didn't want to wake Prince up, so I stepped out of the room and turned on a hallway light to look at my arms. I couldn't see anything, just like the two times before. I don't understand what it could be since it keeps happening but in different places on my body. I think I can rule out something actually crawling on me since I can't see anything and it's happened in different locations at various times. It must be something inside me. This time, it wasn't going away not matter how much I scratched, rubbed, or picked at my arms.
I really can't tell you what I was thinking, but the next thing I knew something told me I had to make the feeling stop. And I had to SEE what was under my skin. I went into the kitchen to retrieve a knife from the drawer. At first, I just ran the side of the blade up and down my arms hoping it would relieve the annoying feeling that things were crawling on me. When it didn't do anymore for me than my own fingernails had, I turned the blade and made a small cut. I just knew I would see some sort of parasite scurry out. However, all I saw was a steady stream of blood. I decided this creature would need a bigger space to come out of and I needed a larger hole to see inside better. Maybe something big enough for me to reach up and grab it. I went to make the slit longer when I heard Prince's voice in a panic and his footsteps racing towards me. "What the hell are you doing, Jensen?! Stop! Put the knife down! Now!"
He rips it from my hand before I even had a chance to follow his order or explain. He tossed the knife into the sink and grabbed my arm and stuck it under the faucet. He turned it on and let the water wash away the blood seeping out of the approximately once inch incision I had made.
After a good solid minute of absolute silence, besides the running water, Prince looked up at me with tears in his eyes and solemnly asked, "were you trying to kill yourself?"
That hit me right in the gut. "No!" I exclaim, appalled that he could even think that. "Absolutely not!!!! There's something crawling around inside me. It's in my arms now. I was trying to see it and get it out..."
Even though his facial expression showed that he was relieved this wasn't a suicide attempt, he backed it up with hanging his head and muttering "shit! How could I have been so dumb?!"
"What do you mean?" I ask, as he turned off the faucet and began patting my wound with a towel.
"Come on, let's get this bandaged up." He says, leading me towards the bathroom, and ignoring my question. "I don't think it needs stitches. I have some steri-strips we can try." He applies a couple across the injury and then sits me down on the edge of the bathtub and kneels down in front of me.
"Are you sure nothing in your head told you to cut yourself?" He calmly asks while staring a hole through me.
"Well yeah it did, but not in a kill myself kind of way. It was more like "see what it is, get it out of your body, and make the sensation stop." I explained.
"And you see nothing bizarre with the fact that you think there is actually things crawling on you or inside you? And you think it's normal to perform your own medical procedures?"
"You're making me sound like a nut..." as soon as those words left my mouth, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was back. My psychosis. I was insane again. Without meds.
"Baby, I'm calling Laura." Prince replies, standing up and making his way to his phone by the bed.
"No, don't! Please! It's late! I don't want you to tell her!" I pleaded, not wanting to go back on the medication for six months.
"I don't give a fuck what time it is! I'm calling her and giving her a piece of my mind. This skin crawling shit was not something she ever even discussed with me. How long has it been going on?!" He said, anger starting to seep into his voice.
"Just tonight. I swear. See, that's the only symptom and it's only been for a few hours. I bet it will go away. I'm fine. I'm really fine baby." I desperately plead with him.
"You're not fine, honey. And it's not the only symptom...."
"What do you mean?! What else have I done?!"
I was beginning to get very upset. I felt betrayed almost, like he has been watching me and storing away mistakes or mishaps I've made.
"Nothing too major or very often. That's why I've brushed them off to a degree. But now that I'm putting two and two together, I think they were subtle signs. The cookies. Not knowing how to get to the church. Not being able to keep track of time. Thinking it was Brian and Amy that got married instead of..."
"I can't make a mistake?! I misspoke! You don't ever accidentally say the wrong names?! I hear you call Devon and Waverly the other one's name all the time! I'm sorry the cookies sucked! You know, people do make mistakes while cooking, and I was in a hurry! I know that damn church hasn't always been in that location. I don't care what anyone says. And I'm sorry I felt like it was later than it was. Again, you've never done that?! None of those are a sign of shit! They are logical mistakes, which I guess I'm not allowed to make anymore or I'm branded! How would you like it if I started calling you out on all your mistakes and demanding something is wrong with you...."
"Momma, stop! That's not what I'm trying to do sweetheart and deep down you know it..."
I fall down in front of him, grabbing onto his legs. "Please, I beg you! Don't call Laura. Not yet. Don't do this to me...."
Prince kneels down eye to eye with me. "Baby, I'm doing this for your well being. I'm doing this for us. I'm doing this for the girls. I'm not out to get you...."
"But it feels like it. Please, just not yet. Ok? I swear I'm fine. Maybe it was a fluke. If I do something else, I promise I'll let you call and tell her and I'll get back on the meds. If you love me..."
"Don't! You know I love you. More than anything in this entire world. Don't bribe me. Momma I can't let it go. You were cutting yourself..."
"But I wasn't trying to kill myself. I promise!" I fall into his chest, sobbing. "I'm ok. I know I am..."
"You may not have been attempting suicide babygirl, but it's not normal to cut yourself or feel like things are crawling on you. I don't care how mad at me you get, I'm calling Laura. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't and hid this from her and something happened to you or one of the girls." He demands as he pulls me away from him and grabs the phone.
Knowing I wouldn't be able to change his mind, I fall onto the bed, having a bigger meltdown than Devon was having about getting a dog. Once I heard Prince talking to Laura, I quieted down to hear what was being said. Maybe she would let it slide.
"Hey Laura, it's Prince...Yes, it's about Jensen. I found her in the kitchen cutting herself with a very sharp knife. All evening she felt like things were crawling on her.....So it is one of the signs?! How could you not tell me that?!!!!" I look over to see Prince's chest heaving up and down in anger. "You forgot?!!! Is there anything else you've forgotten?!!....I knew about possibly not remembering certain things she used to know, and that's happened a couple times so I was already getting a little concerned. But if I would have known about the skin crawling thing I would have known earlier tonight before she decided to mutilate her body!!!...Well no shit! You think I'm going to let her out of my sight when she's cutting herself open with a blade?!!! You better call in the meds ASAP! Don't worry I won't! How long before the meds should kick in?! Ok. I don't know when we are coming back, especially now. You better hope she gets better quickly or your ass can find a new job!" He slams the phone down on the end table, causing the battery to fall out but he doesn't even try to fix it.
He climbs into bed and tries to cuddle me. I immediately shove him off. "Get away from me. You're a traitor. You know how badly I don't want to get back on the medication. How much I want to be able to have more children. You don't care about me. You just want to shove medicine down me so you don't have to deal with screw ups I may make here and there." I accuse and then turn my back to him.
He doesn't give up or get angry with me. He inches closer to me, pressing his front to my back in a spooning position. "I'm serious, Prince. Back off. We can talk without you having to touch me." He backs up but stays silent until I ask him what Laura had said. "I'm so pissed at her I can barely see straight. She says the skin crawling thing is a sign of psychosis but she must have failed to mention it to me because it's a pretty rare one. She said not to leave you alone, which I wasn't going to. She will call in the meds as soon as a pharmacy opens and I'll have Amy go pick it up. She said it will probably take a couple days for it to get into your system and to not have the children around until you aren't having anymore symptoms for at least 48 hours...."
"Fuck that! Fuck all of that! I'm not going to be watched like a hawk, first of all. If I want to go take a shit or whatever by myself, I'm damn well doing it! And we are picking up the girls tomorrow, just like we planned. I'm not leaving them with Mayte and Lenny or whoever for days! Ain't happening!!!"
"It most certainly will happen. Remember what you promised me months ago, that I'm the decision maker until you're better. And unbelievably you have held to your word on it. You're aren't better yet, baby. And that's ok. Doesn't mean you won't get better. Maybe after one more round of meds, you will be one hundred percent recovered. I truly believe that. I know you don't want to go a few days without seeing the girls, I don't either, but it is what it is. We will make the most of it. Plus we've got to get you better before next month. You still gonna take care of me, right?" He asked sweetly, attempting to snuggle up to me again.
As he has so many times before, he was able to chip away at the anger and sadness and make me feel better. I let him wrap his arms around me and pull me into his body. "Yes, I want to. I just don't want to be sick anymore. I can't continue this cycle again and again." I sob. "You and the girls don't deserve this...."
"That's right, we deserve a healthy and happy wife and mommy. And that's what we are trying to accomplish, honey...."
"But I am happy. I truly am. Probably more in the last few months than I've ever been. But I don't want to have to be on medication to be happy and sane..."
"I don't think you will be forever. But you know what, so what if you do? I mean really? What's the worst thing about it? Huh? That we won't be able to have more children?"
"Yes, that's the main thing." I admit.
"First of all, I'm content. Without a doubt, the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. If all we ever have is Devon and Waverly, I'm satisfied. Anything more would be great, but it's not necessary. Not for me anyway. If you think having more children is essential to my happiness, you're wrong. If you want more children, we will find a way if the natural way isn't possible anymore. But I already have more than I ever thought I would. I spent many years thinking I would never have any children of my own or a wife that truly fulfilled me. And now I have TWO kids and a partner that completes me. Don't think you're letting me down, because you're not."
"Make love to me. Please, baby. You know they say the crazier a women is, the better the sex." I joke.
"I don't know about that, momma. The best sex I've ever had has been with you..."
"Because I'm crazy..."
"No, because of the way I feel about you. And you can be really kinky too. You have it all. But if you want to do it before you get any meds in you, just to test the theory, I'm game." He laughs, as he begins to strip me of my clothes.