American Woman: Book 4

Chapter 35

People at the airport had to wonder if I was crazy I'm sure. Here was this woman, eyes bloodshot and face streaked with tears with a two year old and basically a newborn trudging through an airport at 7:00 am. I had managed to calm Devon down and put her implant in so she could hear me. "We are going on a trip. Daddy is staying at home. Everything is ok." I assure her. We boarded the next flight for LA and thankfully made it there with no interference from Prince. I had wrestled with myself the whole flight. I knew I couldn't go to the LA house. Not sure I could even find a way to get in if I wanted to. I did have family in LA, of course, but nobody I could ask to stay with, even temporarily. They all had houses barely big enough for themselves, much less three extra people. Unfortunately, I had sold my parents' house not long after Devon was born so that wasn't an option anymore. I did grab a big pile of cash, and maybe we could stay in a hotel for a few days but I had to find something more permanent and stable. I had no idea how long we may possibly be here. The only thing my mind kept going back to over and over was Lenny's house. Since the last I knew, he spent most of his time in the Bahamas, maybe his house was vacant and he would be willing to let us stay, or even rent. I felt I had no other choice and after we landed in LA, I called him. Thankfully he picked up quickly.
"Hello?"
"Lenny? Hey it's Jensen. Listen I need to ask you a huge favor. You obviously can tell me yes or no, but I beg you no matter the answer, don't ask any follow up questions."
"Ok..." he says, his voice filled with confusion.
"Are you still spending most of your time living in the Bahamas?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Good. I mean, um, lord I don't know how to say this. Is there any way me and my two girls can live in your house? I'll pay you..."
"Ummm....can I have one follow up question?" He asks.
"If its about why, no." I reply.
"No, it's actually about two girls. You have another daughter?" He seems surprised.
"Oh, yes." I smile. "Waverly. She's almost two months old."
"Wow! I really am out of touch out here. It's taking all I have to not ask why you and your two babies need a place to stay. I'm honesty worried. But I won't intrude on your privacy. Yes you may stay as long as you need. From the sounds of it, you need to keep your money. Just maintain it, I'll tell the cleaning lady to stop coming, and we will call it even. Get ahold of Zoe and she can get you a key." He instructs.
"Thanks Lenny. You have no idea what this means to me. Let me know anytime you need to come back and we will find somewhere else to stay...."
"This is sounding pretty permanent. I don't plan to be back for a few weeks."
"I don't know." I say, fighting back tears. "I hope not."
I managed to end the conversation with Lenny without divulging anything. I know it seemed a little rude to ask someone such a huge favor but demand them not to ask questions. But I wasn't ready to talk about it to anyone, especially my ex husband.
Zoe met me at the house that afternoon and gave me a spare key. I asked her to watch the girls while I ran and grabbed some clothes and groceries. Lenny must have warned her not to ask questions bc she didn't. I wished she could have stayed longer but she had a big test the next day she had to study for. I got the girls fed, bathed, and settled in that night. I picked up my cell to call our bedroom phone number. I wasn't surprised when he let the machine get it.
"Hey, I was just calling to let you know we made it to LA. We are fine. Lenny let us stay in his house since he's not here.  I know you're angry with me, but I hope you'll see that I did it to protect our daughters. I still love you. I want to work this out..."
"Fuck you!" I hear Prince shout as he answers the phone. "Run off with my kids, staying at Lenny's, and tell me you love me. You're a fucking mental case and the state of Minnesota will agree when I go there tomorrow and file kidnapping charges on you. You better get my daughters back to me by tomorrow or that's what will happen Jensen." He threatens. 
I was so terrified I didn't even respond, I just hung up and immediately dialed Laura's cell.
"Jensen!" She greeted warmly. "Long time no talk. I heard you had a baby recently..."
"Laura I need your help!" I panic.
"Jensen, calm down. What's going on?"
I quickly give her the short version. "Laura you have to help me. You can tell them I'm not crazy. That I'm a fit mother. I didn't kidnap them..."
"Jensen, take some deep breaths for me." She instructs. "Unfortunately with Prince's issues he has a higher possibility of being an addict. I wish we would had started sessions up again after the tour. But there is nothing we can do about that now. I truly wonder how much pain Prince is in and how much he has possibly made up in his mind to be honest. But again that's an issue for later. At the current time, I hate to tell you but leaving was probably the worst thing you could have done for your marriage, but maybe the best for your children. You more than likely have sacrificed your marriage for their safety. Most people would...."
"But I don't want that Laura. I love him. I don't want a divorce. Not yet anyway. Not unless he never gets better...."
"Nobody can guarantee that. There's hope always. But I have to warn you, even if Prince does recover from his addiction, it doesn't automatically fix your marriage. People with the childhood issues he has tend to lump people who they perceive as hurting them or betraying them into a big pile. There is almost no coming back once you are tossed in that pile. He may never view as good or decent again. And even if he can get to a place where he's cordial with you, that doesn't mean he will view as a partner anymore. I hope that won't be the case, but it seems to be people with abandonment issues MO. However, in an almost contradictory way, they also have a hard time letting go. He's mad right now, and actually deep down he's hurt. Abandonment issues are running rampant in his mind. Add the effects of possible drugs and it's a really bad combo. It is highly possible he will do a LOT of threatening, but I suspect most will be empty threats which I feel the kidnapping one is. He's going to keep threatening it but probably never follow through. He will more than likely also threaten divorce papers over and over but doubtful he will actually take the step to file them. At least not very soon. He's gagging your reaction. And you don't need to give him one. I encourage contact as much as possible, as long as he allows it. But once he starts threatening, don't give in and threaten back or act afraid. Just end the conversation as quickly as possible and try again the following day to have a civil conversation. It's going to be a rollercoaster for awhile and you will feel like you are on repeat somewhat. I will try to stop my tomorrow and check on him. If he will allow it, I will begin sessions again. Hang in there."
Honestly I don't know if my conversation with Laura made me feel better or worse. To think me leaving possibly doomed my marriage for good crushed me. Bottom line is I don't want that. I wanted him to go a week or two with his girls and realize how miserable his life is and clean himself up and beg us to come back. But I guess that's what would happen with a fairytale Prince and not the Prince with multiple issues. I started to regret my decision to leave. Maybe if I would have stayed and confronted him about how scared I was, he would have listened to that. Maybe I should have waited to see if I could have convinced him to see the doctor just to see if he would and what he would tell him if he did. Maybe I should have tried an intervention with Laura, and Brother Gibson, and other church members and trusted employees. I was suddenly felt like I gave up too easily. That I let a weakness of being afraid take over and control my decision to leave. I had promised him I wouldn't leave. That I would love him through anything. As much as he had rocked my trust in him, and I knew I had done the same thing to him. I had basically lied over and over saying I wouldn't bail on him and then I did. I wanted to call him up and apologize. I wanted to go home. But surely if that were a good option, Laura would have suggested it. The only thing she suggested was to keep in contact. I really thought this would be temporary and maybe I jumped the gun too soon. Now I may have turned it into something more permanent. How long can Devon go without seeing him before she realizes something is wrong? He might miss some first milestones of Waverlys. How could I be so selfish? But then I think about if we stayed. Would he really even interact with Devon or Waverly if he's doped up on pain pills or whatever substance he may move on to? What if started allowing these drug dealers to come to Paisley? What if I or one of the kids finds him passed out, or even dead? I had to keep reminding myself that's why I did this. I may have lost the love of my life by leaving, but would he really even be there if I stayed? He wouldn't be the person I married. Then the whole thought process cycle of what I could have maybe convinced him to do if I stayed started over until eventually I passed out from mental exhaustion.
I tried calling him again the next day. And Laura was right. He threatened kidnapping charges again, saying he was going tomorrow. I told him we loved him and hung up. This went on for several days. He was always going "tomorrow" to file charges and sometimes to file divorce too. But to my knowledge it wasn't happening. I finally heard back from Laura a week later. She said she had tried numerous times to contact him to no avail. She had even gone by Paisley but he wouldn't see her. She told me he had probably lumped her in as some sort of traitor in his mind. Brother Gibson was also having no luck getting in touch with him. He hadn't gone to church the last Sunday either.  It seemed that Prince was cutting off anyone who he knew would hold him accountable to his actions. If you weren't on his "side," he just simply wasn't allowing you to have access to him. Amy called me about ten days in and said they had all gotten an email that said no contact with me or they would be terminated. She said to please not tell him she called and she couldn't risk calling back but that she was thinking about me and the girls. I asked her if Shawn was still working for him and she said he was but was definitely not supplying any drugs to him. I wasn't shocked by the fact Prince kept him on, if for no other reason than to have someone to try to convince I was the bad guy. Also he didn't need him now for drugs bc he had obviously found someone who could offer him a lot more than Shawn could even dream of I'm sure. I got similar phone calls from Diana and Maria telling me they loved me and the girls but were going to cut contact off until everything blew over. Kim called and said Prince had told her and Brian they were "technically fired but not technically working for him anymore" so they were both confused and unfortunately I couldn't explain it to them either. She did say they were still currently getting paid. It sounded like a big mess and he was falling apart and doing and saying irrational things. By two weeks in, he had also cut contact off and stopped answering any of my calls. I was completely isolated from knowing anything that was going on now. He could be recovering and I wouldn't know it. He could be getting rushed to the hospital everyday and I wouldn't know it, unless I saw it in the news of course. He had banished me, and sadly had banished the girls too. I waited for some news, either separation or divorce papers, an officer to investigate a possible kidnapping, or Prince himself coming to demand the girls. But, nothing. For weeks. Absolutely no contact from him or any of his camp. I even checked the internet several times a week to see if he had died and I had somehow missed it. I didn't understand what was going on. He wasn't trying to fix it but he also wasn't taking any steps to dissolve anything either. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he wasn't even attempting to call Devon. She couldn't hear well on phones but at least he could make an attempt. We had been gone so long at this point and no interaction with him that she had stopped asking where he was and other questions a couple weeks ago.
I tried to just focus on the girls and keeping a somewhat normal routine and schedule with
them. I eventually had to buy some toys bc Devon had nothing to play with and she had already broken a couple of things of Lenny's that I was going to have to apologize for and try to replace.
One night in early February I was mindlessly flipping through channels when I caught that the Grammys were on. As fate would have it, they were announcing nominees for Best R&B Vocal Performance and Prince was one of them for his song "Call My Name." Low and behold he won and my heart starting beating as I anticipated seeing him on the tv and knowing he was in LA. However, Nelly, who was presenting the award said "Prince couldn't be here tonight and I am accepting this on his behalf. Congrats man!"
My heart sank realizing he must me in real bad shape if he wasn't attending the Grammys, especially on a year he was nominated. I could barely sleep that night wondering and worrying about his well being, not that I hadn't done that every night for weeks but tonight was even more so. All I could picture was an oblivious drugged up musical genius slumped in a chair somewhere, not even realizing he won a Grammy.