American Woman: Book 4

Chapter 32

Seeing as we were only a couple weeks away from Christmas, I decided to not up and take the girls. It just wasn't the right time. Not that it meant things between Prince and me got any better. But I guess it didn't get any worse either since we refused to speak to each other. Again, so reminiscent of the things I went through with Lenny. Almost a carbon copy of it. I slept every night in a guest bedroom with Waverly in a cradle beside me. When we did see Prince, he only acknowledged the girls. It's like I didn't exist to him, and I didn't care. He didn't even spend much time with our daughters though either. He spent most of his time in our bedroom or downstairs, I assumed in the studio. From his continued behavior and other signs, it was obvious he was still taking something, and he wasn't having any withdrawal symptoms. So he either found some other supplier or had a stockpile he was using.
I didn't reach out to anyone, again mainly because of the holidays. I just laid low and decided to trudge through December and then take action, whatever that may be. I did hear from Amy during that time and she was very apologetic and reaffirmed she was just as blindsided by it as I was. She pled Shawn's case and how horrible he felt over the whole situation. She assured me he was not, nor would continue, giving Prince any more pills for any reason. She definitely made it sound like Shawn was duped to a certain degree, and honestly, I believed it. I am having to swallow the fact that my husband was more manipulative and conniving than I had ever realized. That fact probably scared me just as much as him having an addiction. Even if he somehow got clean, he still has that side of him. It hasn't disappeared. He still very much has that aspect to his personality and still uses it. Has he used it on me and I've been blind to it? Has he or will he use it on our children? That is the thought that made me most afraid. That he would manipulate his own children. That nobody was off bounds. And if I stayed on his bad side, he would turn my girls away from me. Or just take them from me altogether. He has more money and power than I could ever dream of. And no matter what, that always seems to prevail in our country over right and wrong.
The only thing we did as a "family" was attend church together. Putting on some sort of charade that neither of us even discussed, just automatically did. Of course if anybody with any common sense was paying much attention, it was apparent something was off. Yes we arrived and left together, but there was no interaction. I would take Devon to Sunday School and Waverly to the nursery and then we would sit in our regular pew. Normally we sat side by side, Prince's arm either draped over my shoulders, caressing my upper arm or at least on the back of the pew behind me. I always felt it was his way of showing his affection for me to God and members of the church. It also felt safe and secure and displayed us as a happily married couple. Now, we sat with a good foot between us, his hand and arm to himself. There was very little mingling before or after church either. We came in, dropped off kids, took our seats, shook Brother Gibson's hand afterwards, gathered the kids, and left. It was only going through the motions. I don't even know why we did it. It's not like either of us was even taking in what God was trying to say through Brother Gibson's preaching. Devon loved it though and had friends there. It was one of the only places she got to interact with children her age and I felt that was so important. If we were to miss, she would bring it to our attention and maybe that's why we still went. Or maybe just bc it was our routine and we were both so lost about what was happening in our life, it brought some sense of normalcy that we still craved, or at least I know I did. As upset as I was over all of it, I still very much wanted my husband and wanted our girls to have their father. I didn't want to leave, I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
A few days before Christmas, I finally broke and talked to him. While both girls were napping, I went downstairs and found him asleep, sitting up, in a studio chair.
"Prince?" I said, shaking him lightly.
"Hmmmm?" He responded groggily.
"I need to go shopping for the girls. I want them to have a few things to open on Christmas and things from Santa. Apparently Devon asked him for a Dora the Explorer doll and a My Little Pony. I hope they aren't all sold out of them..."
"Get to the point, Jensen. You haven't spoken to me in over a week, so what's so important that you need to tell me?" He interrupts me without even opening his eyes.
"Well I need to leave so..."
"So?"
"So someone needs to take care of the girls." I say, annoyed by his attitude.
"Ok that's all you had to say. I didn't need a breakdown of what you were doing. You could leave and never come back for all I care." He slurs out.
"I know you don't mean that. I am going to try to not take that personally and hope that it's just the drugs talking. And you know what, nevermind. I can't trust you to care for our girls in this state. I'll call Diana or..."
His eyes fly open, "No you won't! I'm their father and I'm fully copable..."
"Copable?! You can't even speak! There is no way I'm leaving my two innocent babies..."
"Their mine too! Just go! I'll watch them!" He insists, wobbly standing to his feet.
"I would be insane to agree to that! Thinking about you keeping Devon would be scary enough, but Waverly isn't even two months yet..."
"I know how old my children are!" He angrily yells, walking towards the studio door like someone that was highly intoxicated. I run out after him to see he has turned the opposite direction of the elevator that leads to our house. He gets several steps before he must have realized he was going the wrong way and turns around, storming passed me with a scowl.
"Just forget it! I'm not going! You don't even know how to get around the house. How could you care for..."
"Shut up!" He yells, turning around and grabbing my shoulders and squeezing. "I swear to God, Jensen, if you don't shut your fucking mouth, I'm gonna..."
"Going to what?! Huh?!" I scream, shoving his hands off of me. "Hit me?! Do it! Please! Do it! Give me what I need to leave!"
"I wouldn't give you the satisfaction. If you want to leave, Jensen. There's the door! Right there!" He responds, turning me around and literally shoving me towards the lobby doors.
I stumble a little and catch my balance. I couldn't believe he did that, and my blood was boiling. I turned around to see him smirking at me, and it sent me over the edge.
"Fine, motherfucker!!! I'll leave. Let me just go get the girls." I cry out, trying to push passed him.
"Nuh uh!" He replies, grabbing my arm and pulling me back. "You leave, you leave alone. I mean not only do you not have anywhere to go with the girls, but you don't even have a vehicle to take them in. Everything is mine, momma. I own everything. All the residences, mine. All the vehicles, mine. Nothing belongs to you. Not even the girls. They're the only thing that's even half yours. So if you want to leave, you can't take anything of mine."
"You can't do this to me." I reply, literally shaking with tears streaming down my face.
"I'm sure we can figure out some sort of visitation with the girls for you if you leave...."
"Prince, listen to yourself!" I plead. "I'm still breastfeeding Waverly..."
"Formula won't hurt her..."
"Prince, please! Don't do this to me, to them. If you loved us..."
"What do you know about love?! You're the one threatening to leave. That's not love. And if you stay, you're only staying bc you have nothing on your own. You're using me...."
"No!"
"Then prove it! If you aren't with me for the money, you'll leave now. Show me.."
"This isn't about that, Prince! You're irrational right now! I'm not leaving my children. I would leave if you will let me take the girls. Ok? Can I take them? Please?" I beg. "We can leave and you can do whatever you want. Stay drugged up all day and nobody to answer to..."
"You think that's what I want? You are crazy if you think I'm going to say you can take my kids and leave. You are the irrational one, my dear."
He responds, almost normally now.
"I don't want to do this. Any of this. Something has got to give. Please just go to rehab." I plead, looking into his eyes.
That set him off again. "I don't need fucking rehab. I'm not even taking anything anymore! I'm just in pain...."
"You're lying! Please, Prince..."
"I'm not having this discussion! If you don't believe me, that's your problem." He says, looking almost innocently at me.
Then I started to have a lot of self doubt. What if he is telling the truth? Maybe I need to try to be more supportive. Maybe we can try to work this out. Maybe I can convince him to have a surgery. Maybe there are other ways besides rehab and I've been too closed minded to listen to him or talk things out with him. My icy exterior melted away and I tried a different approach. "You promise? You've stopped the pills?" I ask, wiping the tears from my face with my sleeve.
"Yes baby. Just taking over the counter stuff like Ibuprofen. I accidentally took a PM one. That's why I was asleep and am groggy feeling. My hips hurt, that's why I feel like I can't walk straight." He explains. "Maybe you're right. I shouldn't be alone with the girls since I took a PM pill. Can you wait until it wears off or tomorrow to go shopping?"
Everything he said made sense in my head and I so desperately wanted it to be the truth. He seemed to have an answer to all my concerns, and ones that were acceptable. He was saying what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear. So I ate it up with a spoon. "I'm sorry." I apologize, falling into his body. He wraps me in a tight embrace. It felt so good to be back in his arms. "I love you."
"I love you too momma. Forgive me for my at stupidity the last few months. I don't know what I was thinking. I was in pain and ashamed and embarrassed of it. I don't want you to see me as weak. I got into something and I didn't know how to stop. I'm so glad you found out. I wanted to tell you. I almost did but then you went into labor with Waverly..."
"That's what you were going to tell me?" I asked.
"Of course, momma. I didn't ever intend to hide things from you or lie. I just didn't want to disappoint you and admit the pain was too much to bear and I needed something to get me through the last leg of the tour. I didn't think about it being wrong or becoming a habit. It's over now. Let's move on." He says, pulling back and looking into my eyes. Before I can respond, he goes in for a kiss. I got lost in his taste and how much I wanted my husband back and how I wanted our family to function normally that I gave into his kiss. "It's been so long since I've tasted you baby girl. I want your sweet pussy so bad." He deeply says, making me a puddle on the floor. He backs me up and sits me into a chair in the lobby, glass doors and windows surrounded us. There was light snow falling on an already blanket of white on the ground. It looked so peaceful and I longed for that calmness on this side of the glass. My thoughts were cut off by Prince's warm, wet tongue sliding up my slit and landing on my clit. It felt amazing and I didn't want him to stop for anything. "God, yes, daddy!" I moan out, pulling his head down further and pulling his hair. He works my clit with his tongue and enters my soaked entrance with his fingers. It was a little uncomfortable at first since it was the first time anything had been up there since having the baby. It didn't take long to adjust though and before long I was screaming in pure ecstasy. He pulls back, cleaning off his fingers with his tongue. "Let's go check on the girls. Please momma, don't ever leave me. And don't take my babies. Y'all are all I have in this world."
Barely even off my high, I pant out "I would never leave you. I'm so sorry I said I would. I promise I would never leave you, Prince."