Please Be Okay // Dan Howell

Twenty ~

      Dan's pov

         "Phil you have to go after her." I said trying to stand up. I was still kind of dizzy and my head was pounding.
"What did you say to her?" He asked.
"Nothing she just..." I paused. 'I can't do this again' A few weeks ago, while Aria and I were talking I brought up the topic of her dad. She didn't really want to talk about it. Said he was dead and cancer sucks and then changed the subject. I had forgotten about it until that moment.
"Dan?" Phil asked. "Are you okay?"
"I'm awful." I said quietly, slightly laughing at myself.
"No you're not." Phil said all the anger in his face disappearing.
"I am." I repeated. "This while time I've been thinking about myself and everyone around me has been suffering. I am incredibly selfish. I'm awful."
"Dan, don't say that." He said sitting down next to me. "We love you."
"I wanna go home." I said standing up.
"Dan sit back down." Phil begged trying to make sure I didn't fall. "They're going to give you something for the pain and we're gunna discuss treatment."
"No." I said. I continued walking out. I walked to the desk.
"What do I have to sign to leave?" I asked.
"That's not advised Daniel." My doctor said from behind me.
"What do I have to sign?" I asked raising my voice slightly.

     After a little bit of arguing they let me leave and Phil and I went back to the apartment. Instead of going in I knocked on Aria's door. I knew she didn't want to talk to me but I needed to know she was okay.
"Ari?" I asked. "Ari please just tell me you're alright."
No answer.
"Aria?" I asked louder. "Please you don't have to talk to me I just- I need to know that you're okay in there." I waited a few seconds before knocking again.
"Aria if you don't say something I'm coming in." I said loudly. The door was locked but Aria had given me her key while she was away and I still had it with me.
"Okay, I didn't want to do this." I unlocked the door and walked in. Aria was lying on the floor in the middle of the lounge.
"Ari!" I yelled. I walked over to her and checked her breathing. "Aria are you okay? Can you hear me?" She didn't say anything. I could hear her breathing and her pulse felt relatively normal so I figured she had passed out. She had tears stained on her face and her eyes were closed tightly. She looked exhausted and in pain. I lifted her up and carried her across the hallway still feeling dizzy and trying not to fall over. Phil opened the door for me and shut Aria's and I walked her inside. I lied her down in my bed and shut the light off leaving her alone.
"I'm sorry." I whispered before shutting the bedroom door.

    Aria's pov

        It was dark when I woke up and I was confused because I had remembered leaving the light on in my apartment. I wiped my eyes and let my vision adjust before realizing I was in Dan's bed. I groggily sat up.
How the hell did I get here?
I stood up and walked out of the room.
"Sorry, you were asleep on the floor I... wanted to make sure you were alright." Dan apologized.
"Thanks." I said insincerely before I started to leave.
"Wait Aria-" Dan started. I cut him off.
"Dan please leave me alo-" I turned back around to see him holding out my house key.
"Oh... thanks." I grabbed it from his hand and left.
When I got back to the apartment I sat down on my couch and crossed my legs. I looked at my phone to see a lot of texts from my mom and from Dallas. I sighed and called Mom.
"Honey?" She asked. "Oh thank God you're okay."
"Is that Aria?" Dallas asked frantically.
"Hi guys..." I said assuming my mom had put the phone on speaker. "I'm sorry I left so quickly it was... there was an emergency and I had to go..."
"Was it Dan?" Dallas asked.
"Who's Dan?" My mom added. "Oh your boyfriend? Is he okay?"
"He's umm..." I thought about what to say. "He's fine yea... I umm... I can't really talk right now. I promise I'll call later."
"Wait honey-" I hung up the phone before she could continue talking and tossed it on the couch beside me. I had a pounding head ache so I decided to take some aspirin before going upstairs to go to sleep a little longer.

       Over the next couple of days I didn't talk to Dan. I texted Phil once or twice to make sure he was okay but I couldn't face him myself. I wanted to hate him but I didn't know how to.

     Other than everything happening with Dan I still hadn't gotten my period that month and I was kind of freaking out. I decided just in case to take a pregnancy test. I went to the store and awkwardly picked one up. I felt weird because I had never had to worry about this kind of thing happening before.

   After paying I quickly rushed back to the apartment and went inside hoping neither Dan or Phil would see me. Luckily they didn't and I rushed to the bathroom. I hesitated for a moment, not really wanting to know, but eventually took the test anyway. The directions said to wait ten minutes and I think those were the most stressful ten minutes of my life. After waiting and basically having a panic attack, thinking about how I was gunna tell Dan or how I was gunna have a kid for that matter, the timer went off and my phone. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before picking up the test and looking at it.

     Dan's pov

         Aria refused to talk to me for a few days and I didn't blame her so I just gave her some space. I asked Phil to text her and see if she was alright because I knew she wouldn't answer if I texted her. My head had started to hurt constantly, everyday. It just never stopped no matter how much medication I took. At this point I had excepted that I was going to die soon so I was just kind of waiting for it to happen.
     While I was sitting on the couch scrolling through twitter I realized that the fans still didn't know. That realization hit me in the head like a brick and I instantly felt a knot in my stomach. I knew I needed to explain it to them sooner or later and at that point I didn't have much time left to do so. I asked Phil to help me set up the camera, as it had gotten hard to keep my hands steady enough and sat down on my bed.
"Hello internet." I said quietly. I looked at myself in the view finder and all I saw was a sick man that resembled me. It wasn't me anymore. I stopped focusing on myself and continued. "As I'm sure you can tell this video is short and unedited because this isn't like my usual videos. I have been keeping something from you all for a while now and I think it's time that I tell you." I stopped and took a deep breath rubbing my eyes with my thumb and index finger.
"I'm sick." I blurted out. "And I don't mean, I have a cold or the flu, I mean I'm... dying. I have a relatively good sized tumor in my brain and it's been there for a few months now. I'm not gunna go into much detail as sitting up like this hurts and I don't want this video to be too long. But I just want to tell you all that I'm sorry, and that I'm thankful for everything that you've done for me over the years. I am very great full, and very proud to have built this... family. So, even though I'm not gunna be around much longer, I will continue to love and adore every single one of you so... I guess all there's left to say is... thank you. Goodbye internet." I put my hand in front of the camera and ended the video. I sat there for a second silently before breaking down in a fit of sobs and tears. Phil walked over to me and put his hand on my back trying to comfort me. I felt a tear fall to my back and knew that he was crying as well.