Secret Files PH

To The Prince I Never Had

To The Prince I Never Had

I’m writing this entry at this hour, 2:04 AM of June 7, 2017. The night when you finally told me that you’ve finally given up on me. Probably, I’m thousands of miles away from you already if you’re reading this.

Hi, Anton. To my bestfriend, to my only one, to my lover, to my everything – I love you. Ang funny kung paano tayo nagkakilala sa Omegle. You were just a normal stranger to me until fate decided to turn the table. Dati rati tinatawanan lang kita sa tuwing kinukwento mo kung paano ka nagpakatanga sa babaeng niloko ka.

Na paulit-ulit kong sinasabi na ang tanga-tanga mo dahil kahit paulit-ulit ka na niyang ginago, bumabalik ka pa. Maybe it was destiny’s choice for our paths to cross for a lot of times. In an instant, we clicked. Hanggang dumating tayo sa punto na magpalitan ng Facebook accounts. Do you still remember how we constantly call each other Budak? How we say “thank you for today” in each day before sleep at night and exchange “Message me later” afterwards? Hanggang ngayon kayang-kaya ko pa rin kasi i-sulat lahat dito yung nangyare sa atin sa apat na buwan. Naalala mo noong gabi na sinabi mo na iba ‘yung nararamdaman mo sa tuwing magkausap tayo?
That time, I was afraid na baka mainlove nanaman ako sa taong hindi ako kayang ipaglaban. But you told me to take the risk. You told me that in case we didn’t work out, we can still be friends. Pumayag ako. Binigyan kita ng chance na i-prove ang sarili mo and you never failed for the past months. You’ve been the sweetest guy that I’ve ever met – a persistent, honest young man who’s different from any other guy. Pinipigilan ko sarili ko not to grow feelings for you but, sobrang hirap pala. It’s like catching a ball of fire using your bare hands. I had no choice but to grow deeper and deeper each day. I know it wasn’t just a mere “happiness” nor “I just enjoy your company” feeling.

It was love, Anton. It was un undesirable mixture of feeling that I’ve never felt before. Dumating na tayo sa plano kung saan tayo unang magtatravel together. Dumating sa point kung saan tayo mag-sesettle down and create our own family. We even talked about how we’re gonna spend our trip together in Disneyland and be my poging-pogi and yummy na photographer. I even promised that how much I hate Legoland Dubai, I would still go there and be a very supportive partner for you. Ang dami dami nating plano sa buhay. Ang dami-dami kong gustong gawin in life with you pero parang time’s up na ata for us. Mahal na mahal kita pero hindi pa ba pwedeng i-extend? Kahit till tomorrow lang please? Even for the last time, I can delude myself into thinking that ako pa rin. Na mahal mo pa rin ako and that our plans in life are still in progress. Pwede ba? Pwede bang humingi ng extension? Please. I know this is just a hopeless case. I will never get you back. You have finally opened the jar that confined your sweet and endearing thoughts about me. Wala na. It vanished into thin air together with your promises and our plans in building our own family together, visit different countries together and grow old together.

Do you remember when you made comics just for me? How juvenile for some it is but for me, it was a perfect value of an art. That’s when I told myself that I’m willing to take an adventure with you – just like how Ellie and Carl spent the rest of their life together. I thought we will last forever. I thought our story will be as perfect as those princesses who had their princes died just for them. I thought wrong. Mine was a story of a maiden left in darkness who had hopes that the prince who gave me light would stay in the end. Mahal na mahal kita. I will never stop loving you until the last sunrise shows up. Kahit sobrang sakit nitong situation ko right now, I promise I would do my best just to be the same Budak that you used to know.

You’re free now, Mahal. I’m letting you go. Find that girl. Maybe she’s waiting for you out there with a smile on her face and a glimmer in her eyes. She’s waiting to be found. I’m letting you go. Find her. I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough to let you stay. I didn’t know where did I run short. I’ve always been so supportive but maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t really the perfect one for you. I thought we would remain strong even if most of your friends told you that our setup was somehow pathetic. I was wrong. But don’t worry, for the last time, I still understand even if things are clearly beyond comprehension. Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. As I am typing this message, my tears are racing down my cheeks as my whole body gets nimble. I’ve lost you. I’ve lost my prince and my only hope. Ang sakit. I’ve lost my other half and now I need to figure out how would I go on with life. I love you. I wouldn’t get tired of saying that even if it irritates you. It has come to an end. I’ve always wanted to see myself walking in the aisle knowing that I look “beautiful in white”. But I guess that won’t happen anymore since I’m tired of giving my whole to someone but ends up getting left behind in the end. I love you and I have to go. This burden within me takes a long time to recede. I hope that when I wake up, the memory of you wouldn’t bother me anymore. Kasi it’s really really really painful. I hope when I wake up, this is just a nightmare that can just shrug off.

I love you and I hope the best for you and for your future girl. Thank you for making me special. I’ll be leaving the country on the 27th so I guess that’s when I should start for a new beginning. I love you forever and you will always have a special place in my heart, Kosa. I do hope that our paths will cross someday. I will always pray for that opportunity to come. Go and become a great Engineer that you ought to be. I will be spiritually clapping beside you as those beautiful tassels sway. Mahal na mahal kita, Kosa. Pero I’m sorry if you didn’t decide to work things out. I’m sorry if we ended right before we even started. Salamat for everything. I love you and until we see and meet each other again.