Basically just as the title says. If you are going to be making requests, it might take me a while to complete them, though... but they will be completed!
Also, I could care less if you vote... just leave me a comment or a question! I looove readi...
Hey you guys, sorry I haven't updated anything in awhile. A lot had been going on in my life lately and honestly only a very small percentage of it has been good. So about a year ago I graduated from high school and was headed to university on the other side of the country. That being said, I had to move over 7000km away from my friends and one of the only places I ever called home.
My parents are both military so they also happened to be moving across the country for work but it was still around 1500km from where I would be going to school. (For all my Canadians/ people familiar with Canadian geography I went from Edmonton, to Ottawa for a month where my family would be living, to Halifax for school).
I found out we would be moving around the end of my grade 11 year and everything went downhill from there. I started to distance myself from my friends in the hope that if I did so it would hurt less when I had to leave them, but that didn't work. In fact, when I told them I would be moving across the continent they began to find as many excuses as possible to spend time with me. Honestly, in the end I was greatful for that.
Despite the support from my friends and family, I fell into a deep depression which I am still fighting as I write this. I didn't have the motivation to do anything. Things I loved like reading, writing and playing hockey just seemed irrelevant. I stopped reading (I've always been the type of person to read two or three 500 page books a week), I stopped writing and didn't tryout for another hockey team. I just didn't see the point in doing any of these things.
I've always been an introvert, but with the depression, I developed severe social anxiety. I was afraid to leave the house because I'd always feel like people were watching me and thinking negative things about me. I was also so afraid to talk to people over the phone, I'd avoid doing anything that could potentially require a phone call in the future. On top of the social anxiety, I also developed generalized anxiety. When I called or texted I didn't get an answer from a friend or a family member right away I'd always assume the worse; that they were dead or in the hospital. And that's not the end of the anxiety bit. I had crippling rest anxiety that nearly made me pass out while I was writing an exam.
(PSA: you do NOT want a mental illness. It doesn't make you unique, special, etc. If you don't want to have cancer, you don't want a mental illness. It's terrifying the things your brain can do to itself.)
With the depression and the anxiety, I spent most of my first year of university in my single dorm room trying not to cry or throw up from nerves and loneliness. I wouldn't eat some days because I was too afraid to leave my room and eat in the meal hall alone (if my friends weren't with me when I was eating, I didn't eat).
Loneliness started to consume me and there was nothing I felt I could do. The supercomputer in my skull was stuck in a vicious circle:
"You need to get out of your room and talk to people." Said the logical side. "They won't like you. They'll laugh at you. No one will ever love you so don't even try." That's the social anxiety talking. "You don't know that unless you actually go out and try."
And it continued that way over and over, round and round. But the logic never won. The chemical imbalance in my brain always seemed to win.
My mum was trying to get me to go see a doctor. She said she would take me herself but she was 1500km away and I was now 18, so legally there was nothing she could do. It took me nearly a year before I got the courage to go get help. I went to the counseling center at my school and they assessed and diagnosed me with the aforementioned conditions. My doctor then prescribed me Prozac and I was sent to psychotherapy.
I'm getting help. I'm getting better. I still feel terrible and I still have a long recovery ahead of me but I am taking baby steps.
К сожалению, это изображение не соответствует нашим правилам. Чтобы продолжить публикацию, пожалуйста, удалите изображение или загрузите другое.
I adopted Ranger last week and he is helping me get out of the house to get some exercise and talk to people. He also offers companionship so I don't feel so alone all the time. I've also gotten back into reading lately and I've had the urge to write again. That means my brain is healing and I am on my way to a complete recovery. I also started laughing again (which I hadn't been able to do in nearly a year). A roommate also invited me to a party so I could meet people (I'm back in Ottawa with my family for a year now so I can focus on getting better) and although it was nerve-wracking to be around so many people, I feel proud of myself that I was able to be in a social situation and not run away.
So, I'm here to apologize for not updating sooner and being stick in a massive writers block. But don't mistake that for apologizing for my mental health. I won't be apologizing for being sick.
Thank you for reading this and understanding! Stay tuned for updates real soon :D
