esoteric ↯ dean winchester x reader

li.

"Well, now you're on facebook? Aren't you on the run right now?" Dean said.

"Don't worry, it's not like I list my relationship status with-" you started but was cut off by Jenna in the back seat.

"Agh!" Jenna let out a grunt, making the baby begin to cry, "What just happened? Am I the only one that is really freaked out? The god damn apocalypse is outside and you two are fighting about whether she grew up a lonely kid?"

"Jenna- of- of course we're freaked out. We've just been dealing with this kind of stuff a bit longer." You explained, "Dean even longer than me."

"How long?" Jenna asked, wanting to know how long she had been living while this stuff went on.

"Since I was 4 years old." Dean sighed.

"And how many times has this happened? I mean what else is there?" Jenna asked, gripping onto the front seats as you comforted the child.

"Jenna, you don't wanna know. Trust me." Dean stoically danced around the question.

"What about you, (Y/N)? When did this become real for you?" Jenna asked.

"Around maybe a year now? Wow." You said, never really thinking of it much. But so much had happened you didn't even notice the year fly by.

"And you weren't just freaked out?" She asked.

"Oh no, I was." You chuckled lightly to yourself, Amara calming down in your arms, "But I feel like, somewhere in me I always knew that something was wrong, or different? I don't know. Plus I had some pretty good company to help me ease in."

Jenna settled in her seat again, Dean looked down and grabbed your free hand. He held your cold hand tightly in his rough, warm hand. And you looked over at him watching the road, the rising sun behind him. He was so handsome. A lot of really bad things happened this year, but since they gave you him, you decided it was worth it.

"Why don't you two get some rest? Jenna, I'd feel more comfortable if you'd come with us to (Y/N)'s. We'll make sure you're-" Dean began but a snore was heard behind us, Jenna was knocked out.

"Looks like she was ready." You squeezed his hand quickly before releasing it.

"Yeah, I guess so. I don't blame her." Dean said, putting his hand back on the wheel. "You should get rest, too."

"I'd rather keep you company. I still have some adrenalin in me." You smiled, looking down at the baby. After a few moments of silence, you had to ask: "Do you ever think about it?"

"About what?" Dean asked, but he knew.

"You know, wanting the baby thing? The white picket fence thing? The soccer mini van thing?" You asked, curiosity eating at you.

"(Y/N), I haven't really had much time to think about that-" he started but you weren't looking for that.

"I'm not asked about if you had time for it, nobody ever thinks they do. Hypothetically you did, is that something you'd want?" You proposed the idea to him and he thought about it.

"I tried." He admitted, "After locking Lucifer and your dad up in the cage, including Sam, I tried real hard to run away. I left hunting for about a year for a girl and her kid. But I couldn't do it."

"Why couldn't you just do both?" You asked, the idea seeming so simple in its thought.

"I tried that, too. After Sam came back I tried to do both, you know? Go on a job, come back to them. But it just made things worse. Then Lisa and Ben got caught in the middle of a job. They almost got killed and so Cass... uh, Cass did me a favor and wiped their memories of me."

"So when I asked about your exes, and you said 'no one that would remember me'?" You led on, remembering what he said one of the very first times you were together.

"That's what I meant. It was better if I weren't apart of their lives, easier for them to move on." He explained. You could see how hard it was for him to open up like this.

"Wow." Was all you really let out, "If it doesn't work out between us, please don't have Cass wipe my brain."

"I wasn't planning on it. Basically, what I'm saying is that you can't do both. Im willing to try a relationship but the moment a kid is involved in this life... I just can't do it." Dean explained and you dropped it but, it made you weary.

"What about you? You want this?" Dean continued, after noticing out of the corner of his eye your shift.

"Before all this I did. But with this I don't know." You let yourself confide in him a bit more, gleeful for this time with him as Jenna snored behind you. You knew almost everything about who Dean was, his quirks and creases of his face, but the learning about what made him this way never ended, and you supposed it went mutually.

"With what?" Dean asked.

"The whole extra angel mojo. I don't even know how that effects my body yet, if I'd even be able to have children."  You explained, Amara squirming in your arms. You let your arms relax. This question had been weighing on you.

"Oh." Dean sighed, reminded of your predicament. You wanted to ask about your Father, if that bothered him and whatnot, but by the mood in the car for when he began smiling you decided this wasn't the right time, "I just know it made your body heavenly."

"Shut up." You rolled your eyes.

"Oh come on, you were asking for that one." Dean elbowed your ribs, and by doing so almost swerved off the road. He really was a horrible driver.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." You smiled, he really did make you so happy, "I wouldn't really have time for that anyways I guess."

"I guess so." He sighed, and you dropped the topic then. Letting the silence sit in the middle seat. You laid Amara against your heart and she settled in the crook of your neck as you leaned against the side of the car. The perfect place for you to look at Dean as he drove, and comfortably drift to sleep.