REALITY- a goofed up nightmare ( nanowrimo13)

chap 44

The word break up teeters my heart but I pus it aside as always.Its like I can't keep my eyes from shedding the tears at the word itself and I am sickly tired of crying.Its is like all I do is cry. This is not the person I am.

I cannot just sit and wail over something that is not my fault, or maybe partially mine, but not something I wanted. I would change it in fractions if it was in my hands, but No, I am equally a puppet here.

I never wanted to be a girl who pushes everyone away.

I never wanted to be a girl who builds up a wall around her to not let anybody in.

I never wanted to be a girl who hurts everyone who care for her.

I really never wanted to be a girl to sulk all day in a room.

I never wanted to be this bad.

But you never get what you want by just thinking about it. This was exactly I had become.

mopping around in my room and behaving life a lifeless body just staring out in space.

I cried so much to a point that I had no tears. The numbness is still very prominent in my heart and brain.

But how else do you feel when your heart is ripped out of your rib cage leave a dirty mess behind?

How else do you feel when your body has a heartless life?

I may sound melodramatic, or stupid or maybe both, But this is exactly what happens when you love the guy to bits, nothing more than him is important and the emotions are so strong that even the thought of a break up crashes you down to pieces.

I have to hide in my room. I have to pretend I don't care, but I know, it is hurting him the same or maybe more since I was the one his life revolved around.

I think about him everyday, every night.

I have thought about what is to be done. I thought about it again.I need to put this behind me. I need to stop hurting and put myself in a presentable phase. I cant put my life on hold for something that is never possible.

I know my decision was right. I can't hurt the people around me for my selfish happiness. I may love him to pieces and right from the bottom.of my heart. But my family has been the most important pillar in my life. My heart  may only belong to him, but my parents had the right over my life.

I will stand for my decision. I did what was the right thing.

I kept convincing myself, but all was vain.

I was exhausted with all the stress and thinking.

I pull the quilt over my head and wish for some sleep. I squeeze my eyes to keep all the thoughts away. Sleeping keeps you out of everything. When I am sleeping nothing is wrong. But when I wake up, the pain is very evident and stronger than before because I only dream about him and his sad face, the hurt in his eyes haunt me in my dreams.

The heart ache and the constant painful memories haunt me every second.

I needed distraction. I needed something badly to keep myself out of this. I had to bury this as my past. Being depressed over a relationship that didn't have a better future. A relationship that would ruin two happy families was not worth the cry.

I had to work on getting some distraction, and finals were in two weeks.

In all this stress and mess, I didn't pay much attention to exams.

Normally when you are devastated and dead inside and out, study would be the last of things on your mind. But I wanted a distraction from sulking.So I was studying my butt off.

I studied and studied everyday. I studied harder than I ever have.

The only thing that would keep me from crying was study till a point you are exhausted and cannot take anything more and just doze off to sleep.

There were times when I slept on the study table itself.

Kanish or mom would help me back on the bed.

Kanish was always the one to play th tough guy with me. But in my sulking period, he was my strongest support.

I had refused to meet anybody. Snehi, Taani, Kavya and Takshil, even Soumil and other classmates close to us tried talking to me. But I just didn't budge.

I knew Aarsh was in a ten times worst condition than me. But I didn't have it in me to face him and apologize.

Soon it was the exam day. I had been dreading this day since when.

There were high chances of meeting Aarsh today. I didn't have the strength to see the hurt in his eyes like the last time I saw.

It would break all my resolutions of being away from him.

Kanish was driving me to school, I was in his car staring at the dashboard and the chipped up plastic at the corners.

"Come on baby girl, you are strong enough to do this. I know you can do it and I am so very proud of you. Not everybody has the strength to give up their love and life for family." he consoled and hugged me. I silently sobbed in his arms. They were comforting.

But nothing was soothing the was I felt in Aarsh's arms.

"Everything will be alright."

"You will come out a lot stronger than this."

" I love you baby girl and I will always be there for you." he cooed hugging me tight to calm me down.

I calmed down after a while and made my way to the class.

I had biology exam today.

Students and some of the cleaning staffs gave me pitiful and sympathy looks.

I didn't need that. Nothing could console me or stop my mopping.Nothing except him would make m smile. But he was the last person on earth I wanted to see right now.

So much of a hypocrite. I know.

I reached my class and went straight to my desk ignoring the weird looks I got from people in the class. I kept staring at the desk avoiding everybody's eye that were trying to ask me Thousands of questions.

This had become my routine. I would enter class, avoid everybody, ignore my surroundings, finish my paper early and leave early.

Not even one day during all the exams did I see Aarsh.

I saw Taani and Snehi in my class, they did wish me luck before every exam and that was the only conversation we had in ages.

I knew Kavya and Taani had issues because of me and Aarsh. That was a bad thing about dating within your group of friends. Loyalty and Point of Views are judged and other relationships have sour endings.

That was another reason I kept myself from talking to Taani , Kavya, and even Snehi or Takshil.

And till I knew Aarsh did the same. Because he would never want his cousin and best friend to suffer because of us.