Aubrey (Revolving With Axis)

045:

                 

I didn't answer her. I felt pissed inside, pissed and tense. I was completely used to the feeling. I felt it a lot actually. Just not around Aubrey. She walked out to the water by herself, bent over to pick up a handful of pebbles and started doing the skip rock thing. The water was crystal clear, and even though there was a slight breeze in her hair, there was none on the lake.

            I shoved my hands in my jeans pockets and rocked back on my heels, digging in the sand. It was hard and cold. I felt rather hard and cold.

            Meeting her hadn't been so bad. But getting to know her was like that roller coaster we'd been on--- it had its ups and downs.  I felt angry with myself and so wasn't thinking completely clearly. And I knew it. I hated that knowing. But it did make for some of my best compositions.

            I glanced at my watch. It was after nine. I wondered if we should get back and get to the studio. I called to her, but Aubrey--- in a slightly uncharacteristic vein, didn't answer me.

            I walked up to her. "Aubrey--- so you're thinking that events and issues can be--- overlooked, or forgiven-- that's a better word. But the people involved would still carry--- scars? And the scars would make it impossible?"

            She pursed her lips. "You talked about your parents--- hurting each other. I've seen their kind of relationship."

            I screwed up my face as well, recalling that I actually had said that. Maybe wishing that I hadn't. "They do hurt each other."

            "There was some big event or issue? And then they said they forgave, but they shut each other out?"

            "Do you know my parents?"

            She looked affronted. "They aren't alone in their behaviors. I'm not saying it's common, but it happens. I've actually been really close to someone who is in that situation. I don't know what your dad or mom did, but I understand the shutting out thing and how devastating it is." Then her face fell, and she really looked at me. "Is it because of losing your brother?"

            I wished it was. That at least would be understandable. No. It wasn't that. But it was something I couldn't talk about. Not right now.

            "I want to tell you, Aubrey." I shoved my hands deeper in my pockets and rocked back again. The sand was making my toes ache it was so cold. "But now's not the time."

            She nodded after a few seconds. "I understand."

            "Do you? Caz usually girls say that when they don't understand and ---."

            "Stop putting other girls emotional responses on me!" She snapped. "If you aren't ready to share that info, I'm not asking for it!"

            She wasn't.

            I breathed a sigh of relief.

            "Aubrey, will you sing with me?"

            She rolled her eyes. "Is that really what's on your mind?"

            I'll admit, it was important to me, but not because it was a great song, or it was for her, or I knew it would be a hit, or anything. I just wanted to share that part of me with her really badly.

            She flung out her hands. "You're keeping everything from me. All of a sudden, you're like watching me for reactions and keeping yourself closed off, and just watching me. I can't handle that."

            I went to her, took her by the shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes. The whole idea that we were expecting too much too soon--- going too fast--- suddenly hit me. But there wasn't time. I was leaving in just a few days and I needed this settled, and she had to be with me. I leaned in to kiss her and she shoved me back. I staggered, caught off guard. The initial reaction was to leave. It was so ingrained I nearly did it. I almost threw up my hands and walked away, run away-- to go home and write yet another break up song--- a why in the world did I fall for this girl song.

            But she'd already observed that a lot of my songs were break up songs.

            Her hand was covering her mouth, and her eyes were wild. That's us, I thought, wild.

            "I don't want to keep things from you, but I don't want to tell you things and have you judge me and find me lacking."

            "So you'd rather deceive me, and keep your real personality and preferences to yourself so I fall for you, like I already am-- Rafe!--- like I already am!!!! And then you dump me."

            This was so familiar! I made girls insecure. I knew I did. I did exactly what Aubrey said. I closed them down. Kept them at bay. Didn't open up and let them in. I expected them to give me their whole true selves, fall in love with me, and then I could decide if I wanted them or not.

            That's the guy my dad was referring to. It's the guy Ben told me existed inside me, inside my songs. It's the freak that girls screamed at me as they walked out the door.

            Not Aubrey. This couldn't happen with Aubrey.

            "I really want to sing with you. I need the connection with you. To get us through this-- the hard part. The getting to know you part. If we can just get through it...." My eyes were vulnerable, my hands were spread open to her. I stood there, feeling that stupid cold breeze, that goose bump wind raking my skin. It seemed like it came to accentuate the fact that we were falling apart.

            Aubrey's eyes softened. Her lips parted in a small smile and she bit them, and took a deep breath. Really? She had it in her to capitulate? My heart did a flip flop, and I heard my inner dialogue begging her to see through me--- be the one that broke in.

            She nodded. "I'll sing with you."

            I let my head fall back and my lips form a grin. I shoved my freezing hands back in my pockets, and then let my eyes slide to hers. The wind had caught that loose fitting see through blouse to her in perfectly breathtaking line revealing splendor. If girls only knew how guys were caught off guard by those kinds of things. Way sexier than sex.

            She grinned back. She actually laughed, and looked down. I went to her, wrapped her in my arms and hugged her close, cradling her by the back of the head to my chest, tucking her under my chin, and I closed my eyes, feeling the powerful relief of surrender. I felt her hands come up to hold me close, pulling my body into hers, as we had slept all night long. That connection fell into place.

            Thank God.

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