Aubrey (Revolving With Axis)

015:

I felt the little heart stop. I massaged, tried to think what else was possible. Noise around me had subsided, everyone including the machines held their breaths. Please, Junior, please. Oh please!

I laid his little body back down and took off my gloves.

"You have to declare, Doctor. "

I swallowed hard. "Time of death ten-forty-two." It had been an eight hour surgery. I was dead on my feet. Someone touched my back as they passed. I stood there, my fingers on his little leg. I closed my eyes and prayed for him, for his parents, for Doctor Goodwin--- for myself--- for Rafe. I just stayed there, feeling Junior's little spirit circling in the room, looking for his mommy.

Tears leaked out, and another hand patted my shoulder awkwardly.

The Chief came in then, probably summoned by my cohorts. I felt his eyes on me. "Aubrey, it was a long shot anyway."

"Don't." I said.

He waited. "I'll tell the parents if you want."

"I'll tell them. Just give me a moment." I knew others were waiting outside the door, giving me space, but they wouldn't be happy to wait too long. They liked to hurry and clean it all up. All the evidence. I sucked in my breath--- the tainted air of his tiny life and death.

I felt the rage cover me. It usually did about now. I felt such incredible rage. Futility---- indescribable pain.

And then, I hushed it. I could feel my Savior. His hand was on my shoulder. He didn't blame me. He had made me, and Junior.... He would sustain us and give us peace. His peace.

I turned and walked out of the room.

****

I wasn't just tired. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I didn't want to see anybody, but a part of me knew I needed to see Rafe, talk to him. Not about my experience, but about his. If his best friend had died Thursday, it was likely the funeral would be Monday, today.

No lights were on in his windows. I went into my own house and changed into comfortable jeans and a blouse I liked, and went out onto the patio. The beach was soothing. But I didn't stop there, I went directly over to his house.

The blinds were pulled and no lights could be seen here either.

Maybe he really wasn't there.

I went home. I could call him.

No, actually. I couldn't. I didn't have his number and he didn't have mine.

I laid around, fell asleep, woke to bright sunlight and went to my room to change. It was past ten. I had to be at Cedar Sinai at eleven. There was no time to get him flowers or a gift. I taped a note to his window with my phone number and then left.

I worked out of Cedar's quite a bit. I knew everyone and they knew me. It was familiar and comforting. The nursery was full and several babies had issues. We had a department meeting first and then I was assigned some surgeries. Two pediatric that I had been working with, and two new babies.

It proved to be two too many. I ended this day past midnight, and was beyond dead on my feet, with three living patients, and one deceased. A child I'd been working with for two years had been brought in with complications. Surgery was scheduled for later that day.