Just the two of us (book 2)

Chapter 94 On the phone with Marshall

I sit on the couch starring at the phone. It's already 6pm and I haven't called Marshall, why should I call him anyways? He hurt me so bad and I don't even know what to say to him. But it shouldn't be me doing the talking, should it? I mean.. He knows that I have nothing to say so hopefully he has but I'm afraid that he'll talk me into giving him another chance. I'm afraid that I'll be looking like the stupid one if he does.
"You can't drag it out any longer." Tasha now says interrupting my thoughts.
"It's just so hard." I sigh.
"But it won't get any easier if you wait." She says and Lucas now sit down next to me.
"Nah.. She's right man. You have to call him." Lucas says. "You promised him."
"He also promised me a lot of things." I say.
"So hide you in a room all day is much better?" Lucas asks. "You can't keep doing that either."
"So you think I should forgive him and move back in with him?" I frown getting pissed at him already.
"No I think you should find out what you want." Lucas says. I hate to admit it but he's so right, I need to find out what my next move is because I can't keep staying here, I can't keep bothering Lucas and Tasha like this.
"Yeah." I just sigh and get up while I find Marshall's number and call him as I go into my room.

"Yo." He says when he picks up the phone.
"Hi." I say coldly and there's a moment of silence.
"What's up?" He asks. What's up? Is he for real?
"You wanted me to call you so it should be me asking that question, shouldn't it?"
"It's really good to hear your voice."
"Marshall cut to the case." I demand as I don't want him to smother me with compliments and soft me up.
"Can you come over today or tomorrow?" He asks.
"No Marshall. I promised a phone call, that's it."
"It's just easier to talk to you when you're in front of me."
"So in that way you can manipulate me better?" I fire shots now. I want to piss him off because if he gets angry with me then it gets easier for me to finish it with him.
"What kind of bullshit is that to say, huh?" He asks softly not even getting angry in his tone. "I'm not trying to manipulate you, I'm fighting for another chance here."
"It's not gonna happen."
"So why did you call?"
"Because unlike you; I keep my promises."
"That's not fair to say." Marshall sighs.
"Don't talk to me about fairness." I say with a slightly angry tone.
"So this is it? We've finally reunited after all these years and you're gonna end it over what happened that night?" He asks but before I get the chance to answer; he continues. "I don't blame you for being angry with me, be angry all you want but you fucked up too and you know it. You can't stay away from Kevin for some reason and it pisses me the fuck off. You visited him without telling me and I had to find out through the magazines. I had to pick you up pissy drunk from his club and now I found out that you once again reached out to him and told him a lot of shit without me knowing. You can't keep away from him, you have to be connected with him somehow and I don't think you realize how much it hurts me. I don't think you realize how large I've been. I haven't broke up with you even though I should because you can't respect my limits.."
"Then it's a good thing I made it easier for you." I cut him off.
"Let me finish!" He gets irritated with me now. "I'm not a fucking quitter and I believe that we are destined to be together."
"You cheated Marshall."
"And I'm sorry but it was just a fucking kiss. I would never had taken it any further."
"I guess we'll never know."
"Damn you don't trust me at all."
"Because you cheated Marshall."
"I'm sorry Amelia. I don't know what else to tell you. I just want you to move back in because I'm going fucking insane without you. I do whatever it takes to get you to trust me again."
"I can't." I begin to cry now because I wanna move back in but I don't wanna look like a fool. "I would look like the biggest fool if I did."
"Are you caring about your reputation now? Is that it?" I can hear the anger in his voice now.
"Yes because I don't wanna be the type of girl that all people think is fucking stupid for still being with the guy who cheated on her." I explain.
"And what do you think people said about me when I took you back after your little stunt back when you stayed with me for a week and ignored me when you went back to New York?"
"I was engaged to another man Marshall."
"People thought I was one stupid motherfucker to give you another chance but I did it because I love you and I can't live without you!" He raises his voice in frustration now.
"Maybe we should talk when you calm down." I say ready to hang up on him because I hate when he yells at me.
"No no no.. Please baby don't hang up!" He hurries to say and I stay on the phone. "I'm sorry.. I just get so fucking upset because I don't wanna lose you."
"You hurt me." I cry.
"And I'll never hurt you again. I mean it baby.. We were good, weren't we? Before that we were really good." He says and I can't deny that.
"Then why did you have to ruin it?" I cry.
"I never intended to ruin anything, I just do some stupid shit when I get angry. We just have to be 100% honest with each other from now on then I know it's gonna be okay."
"But I can't be honest with you when it's about Kevin."
"Why not?"
"Because you get so damn angry."
"Because you don't feel me."
"I do but I don't have a lot of people who really know me and I really trust so I like to hold on to the few people that I have close."
"My problem is that you're so loyal to him when he fucked you over Amelia."
"And that's not your problem."
"It is because you're my fucking girl."
"No I'm not." I say and my heart aches saying those words.
"No matter what you say then you'll always be my fucking girl, nothing can change that." He says and I become very quiet. "Please Amelia come here tomorrow and spend the day with me then I'll drive you back to Lucas and Tasha again. I just wanna spend a few hours with you."
"Why?"
"Because I wanna make it up to you."
"I can't because I know I'll make some stupid decision."
"You're just gonna spend the day wth me, we're not gonna have sex or anything, I simply just wanna spend some fucking time with you." He begs and I become quiet again. I wanna say yes because I like this soft site of him and I wanna see more of it tomorrow. "Please.. Let me try to make it up to you then I know that I've at least tried."
"Okay." I surrender.
"Thank you!" He says like he just used his last living energy on begging me for my time. "What time do you want me to pick you up?"
"Pick me up at 1." I say.
"Alright.. Then I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah." I become cold towards him once again.

We say our goodbyes and hang up. I just sit here on the bed starring out in the room. I know that I probably should tell Lucas and Tasha but I don't.. I feel so naive and easy so I don't tell them, I just sit here.

Hi guys. I'm back :) I hope you liked the chapter. I hope you don't mind but I'm just gonna share something I wrote today, it has nothing to do with the story but I didn't know where else to post it because it's so personal. I guess it's just easier to share it with you because you don't know me :) it's not something you have to comment on and I'm not looking for sympathy, I just need to get it out, you know? :) So here it comes:

You're my everything and there was a time where I thought that it was gonna be you and me forever, it hurts now to say that I don't know if that's realistic anymore. I know deep down you love me but sometimes I wonder if you're stuck in the old memories like me. I wonder if you like who I am today, I actually wonder why you are with me. We have a connection like I have with no one else but is it more based on friendship than love now? I find myself in a position where I don't feel good enough at all and I know it's a bad sign if I feel that way. I find myself feeling rejected often by you and I find myself feeling only good enough when you need me to satisfy your needs. I find it harder to resist other men but deep down I would never cheat because I'm a good girl, but often other men gives me what you don't: they compliment me and tell me I'm good enough. They tell me I'm pretty and I'm nice, small compliments that you never give me. Sometimes I'm tired of being the good girl but my problem is that I love you and I let you walk all over me and treat me like shit. I know that your intentions are good a lot of times and you think that you show me love. I grew up with a mother who only showed her love by buying me things and you have become a reminder of that. I'm not trying to raise myself above you and make myself perfect because I'm not, but at least I tell you every day that I love you and you rarely say it first. At least I have changed the things you disliked about me but you're not willing to do the same. It feels like everything else comes before me and I don't feel important anymore. I even catch you in some small lies sometimes, things that isn't worth lying about and it makes me wonder if you're lying about much bigger things. I feel myself moving away from you and is it because I prepare myself? I feel my eyes get watery as I write this but I need to let it out. I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm so stubborn and I refuse to lose my pride.
I sometimes look at myself and I can see that I've changed and I'm not even sure if I like what I've become. Sure I've learned to control my temper and I've grown up but I also see a girl who has lost her power and a girl who's broken and doesn't stand up for herself anymore. I pretend everyday that we have a perfect relationship and it feels like I'm in a movie playing a terrible role but I just keep going anyways.
The other day I probably crossed a line that I shouldn't, I cuddled with another guy as I was drunk but nothing more happened. I guess we were both wrong because he has a girlfriend too but maybe we just shared the same problem? I just know that I would never do that if I got the attention that I needed from you. But I feel bad even though that nothing happened because I'm a very loyal girl and I normally don't do things like that but like I said; it's become harder to resist other men.
It's not always this bad and we do have good times but what good is it when there is such distance between us laying here in the bed with you right now? I've been gone for 4 days and you didn't even text me while I was gone and you haven't given me much attention since I got home today. Is this really the life that I'm living now?