The Older We Get

Chapter 84

                "You didn't do anything wrong." I make sure and get at least that out since I'm too cowardly to say anything else. A million things are on my mind, waiting on my tongue through this whole drive, how intense and agonizing it was sitting in the passenger seat like I used to on all our dates except the ones when she let me drive.

Oh damm, this is torture.

I was wondering like a moron if I should tell her how I feel about her.

I love her, she knows that already. It's plain on my face and everything I do. I spoke when I couldn't, but why make a move, or even say that when I'm not going to do anything about it?

I love her.

She's not asking for me to say an 'and' behind it; however she's not strong enough to hear a 'but etc...' like lately.

I love her but I can't be with her, I love her but I won't risk anything, I love her but we're not going to see one another.

I love her and...

And?

Geez, I wish I had the fvcking guts to finish that sentence.

It's almost like a phantom relationship.

Nearly feeling like we're still a couple, but remembering that we're not.

When Colin randomly said he was going to go do a photo shoot in Vernon Oaks, there was a part of me that sort of knew he'd do something like this, like that wasn't hard to figure out, gee Chan, wonder why you didn't do anything about it beforehand.

Simple.

Through and through, without words, I went ahead and let this happen, cuz like usual, I'm weak.

I wish I could say I minded this turn out more, and in some ways I do, but ultimately, the moment I saw Sage in our home, one of the first emotions that went over me besides love, fear, panic, and worry, was happiness.

Happiness, excitement, relief that she was there, that I could just see her.

It was split straight down the middle.

I'm a jerk for sure. I knew Sage was here, and she didn't know I was coming back, so naturally, my girl doesn't know how to properly process this, and I can't do anything but make it worse by just being me and being here.

Well, hopefully this hairstyle makes it easier to feel estranged and disappointed in me.

It's not that sexy. Well, at least not until I got it.

But she likes it.

I'm such a head case; I've been feeling happy about that ever since she said it looked good.

Speaking of which, I'm just now noticing 'good' was the only word we used to describe basically anything. Her hair cut looked 'good', I looked 'good', I've been 'good'.

It's something I guess, a sh1tty ice breaker.

Feels like there's still a glacier between us.

"Thank you for saying that. I know you and your dad don't hate me, and likewise from home base," She gestures to herself the way I'm always entertained by. "Juuuust good to hear."