The Older We Get

Chapter 83

                If I didn't know better, I'd wonder why he couldn't just tell me he was coming back.

Enlighten me of the fact that all I did, every pinch of drink I chose to put down my throat, all those sad thoughts rotting inside of my head and an open gash festering and bleeding at the heart, were they all unnecessary?

I know Chandler would've stayed away.

He's not supposed to be here.

"Hi Uncle William! Hi Chandler." Colin leans on the counter when I bite my inner cheek harder than I ever have before to keep still and think about what I should do.

I didn't anticipate I'd have to be strong to see Chandler again, to simply turn around and look him in the eye, to stay standing, not say anything stupid, don't put him on the spot, don't make him feel guilty, so many things I can't do which is the opposite of honest.

I don't know what to do.

"Colin, what's going on?" William asks which just makes this all the more real, hearing a familiar voice, and I'm trying to remain motionless as if it'd help me disappear altogether, but I know I'm the focal point in the room right now. All eyes are on me.

"Well this is Sage, you know?" Colin points right at my face as if they're not realizing it, but he's the one who's got it wrong. "Chandler's ex girlfriend?"

"I know who she is Colin, that's not what I mean."

Unwell.

I feel unwell, all of this, it's like I'm the product of a joke or the way the atmosphere is from William even though I know he doesn't mean to express it, it's as if I've been cast away and aren't welcome anymore, how my existence shouldn't be here.

I haven't done anything wrong, yet it feels like I've ruined something.

Chandler, I do know that if I turn around, you'll still be looking at my back like you can't believe it, and it's nearly terrifying how much I can feel our emotions influencing the atmosphere.

It's too sudden and it wasn't even supposed to happen, I can tell, while you were living here, you weren't going to reach out to me, right?

We can't see each other, and it just makes me notice the door next to some cabinets that obviously lead into the back yard where my cars parked, and if I go that way, then yeah, ha, we won't have to see what we're afraid of.

"I wanted someone to hang out with and she's really smart. She's my P.E. teacher too. Just like she was with you Chandler, remember?" Colin pauses. "You know, don't look so good cousin. It's like you're about to pass out." He grins once I feel a rush of alertness go through out my body as if I was afraid Chandler would do something like speak or come over, tell me to leave, so I'm doing that anyway by picking up my books and getting my things together.

"Sage?" William finally talks to me so I turn my head a slight portion letting him see only a bit of my profile and my peripheral vision can spot him in the middle of the living room a few steps away, and still in the front entrance, what's petrifying me, I barely make out Chandler in dark shoes and black skinny jeans. I'm not able to catch anymore except for his pale hands that I remember so well, it's hard not to give in and stare altogether, but I won't. More than won't.

I feel like if I try, I'll find I can't.

"I didn't know this was where you lived, I promise." My trembling fingers get my things together and I pull out my keys while Colin smiles at me being flustered. More than flustered though, I seriously do feel like I'm going to throw up and this time it's even scarier since I'm not even intoxicated. "I don't want to bother you-"