Will You Stitch These Wounds With Me? (Ashley Purdy Fanfic)

Chapter 32: What have I done?

**Trigger warning in this chapter**
*Harley's P.O.V.*
Today is the first day of warped tour and I'm a little nervous. I fidgeted slightly in my seat and Ashley noticed.

"You okay, babe?" He asked, putting an arm around my shoulder.

I cuddled into his chest and gripped my can tighter.

"Yeah, just a little first day jitters, I guess." I lied.

I knew he could tell I was lying.

"Okay. Well, if there's anything going on, you know you can talk to me. Okay?" He said.

"Okay." I replied.

I was actually nervous because I have minor social anxiety and I've only been to warped tour once but ended up throwing up half way through the day and I locked myself in a porta potty, not my best memory and I definitely don't want to re-live it. I've been worrying about this day ever since we found out we'd be playing warped. Thinking of all those people made me a little nauseous. Not only would this be my first time playing warped, this is my first official performance with Razorblades, so the pressure is definitely on. I sighed loudly and finished my drink, setting the empty can on the table.

"Breakfast's done!" CC announced to the bus.

He had made eggs and bacon with toast on the side. Ash got up and made a plate for himself and me. He placed my plate in front of me and sat next to me.

"Eat up, it's gonna be a long day." Ash said, taking a bite of his toast.

"Amen." CC said, sitting across from me.

The guys started eating while I stared at my plate. I was starting to become very overwhelmed with anxiety and my appetite was non-existent. Ashley looked up from his food.

"Aren't you hungry babe?" He asked, concern in his voice.

I hesitated to answer.

"Not really." I said.

My voice was starting to get shaky and my hands and feet were starting to tremble.

"Umm, I need to use the bathroom." I said, making up an excuse to leave.

"Okay." Ash said, getting up.

I rushed to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I sat down as my entire body started shaking with fear and I had no idea why. All of these awful thoughts re-entered my brain.

*** TRIGGER WARNING***

"Worthless!" "Ugly!" "You're gonna fuck up really bad!" "Nobody likes you, you piece of shit!"

All of the faces that have haunted me in the past entered my mind again.

"You're worthless and deserve to be dead! Ugly whore!" My father's words echoed throughout my destroyed skull.

I started crying into my knees as I sat on the floor.

"Why do you even try?! You suck at bass! You'll never make it!" My 'friend' told me before auditioning for my first band.
"You were better as a stripper. Get back on the pole, bitch!" Ashley's voice rang through my mind and everything went blank.

"What?! He never said that? Or did he..."

I felt a sudden urge, an urge I was hoping I would never feel again but knew it was destined to happen. I got up, wiping tears from my face as I searched for anything sharp. Razor, nail clippers, anything. I needed something.

I practically destroyed the bathroom in search of my release. I found a cheap razor which was one of the guys. I tore it apart, grabbed the blades and pressed them firmly on my already scarred wrists. The stinging pain shot up my arm and through the rest of my body as I slowly and painfully slid it across my wrist. Red beads spilled across the open wound. I stopped.

"What have I done?!"

The tears returned but the urge was still there.

I continued one more, two more, five more, so many times I've lost count. I didn't stop until the urge was gone. Once I stopped, my anxiety returned. I stared at my wrist, blood red from my anxiety and deadly thoughts. I dropped the bloody tool at my feet.

"Oh my god... Why?? Why did I do it again?! I said I wouldn't! I promised Ash! What have I done?! I'm a monster..."

I got up and ran my arm under the cold water. It stung like hell and I cried out slightly in pain. There was a knock on the door and fear coursed through my body.

"Harley? Is everything okay in there?" Ashley asked, sounding very concerned.

"Uhh, yeah everything's fine, ow.. I'm good." I said, pain still shooting into my arm.

"Harley? Can you open the door, sweetheart?" He asked.

"Uhh, I'm a little busy babe. I'll be out in a sec, I promise." I said.

My voice was shaky and my body trembled in pain and I started crying again.

"Harley." Ashley said sternly. "You need to open the door."

"He knows..."

I started sobbing into my bloody wrists as the deadly red fluid still spilled out.

"Harley!" Ashley said, starting to panic. "Please open the door, baby!"

"I'm so sorry!!" I cried.

"Harley! I can't help you if you don't open the door." Ash said, banging on the door now.

"What's going on?" I heard Cleo say.

"Shit..."

I was so angry at myself now. There was no escape from what I've done now. I stopped, sat on the floor with my knees to my chest, and sobbed into my bloody arms.

"Harley!" Cleo yelled. "Please open the door!" She banged on the door wildly.

"Just leave me alone... I know I fucked up." I said quietly.

The commotion outside came to a halt. I stopped crying and sat in complete anger, misery, and depression.

"Why does this always happen? One second I'm fine, the next I feel like I'm dying and then I do stupid shit I can't take back... And the worst part is I can't face my mistakes, but hide them instead..."

I curled into a ball on the ground and rested my head on the floor. I was so exhausted from the anxiety attack I was just getting over now. I closed my eyes and let sleep consume me.