Demons x Malum

thirty four •

sunday, march 22, 2015

thirty four •

I awake by the light filtering in through the cracked windows. the heat of the march sun suffocates myself in the burrito of blankets I tucked myself in last night in the midst of tears.

I grumble incoherent words into the cloth of my pillow, and decide to sit up. I sigh, running my hands through my hair, and stand from my thermos of a bed. the cold air hits me, and a welcoming smile finds itself on my lips.

I follow the smell of waffles to the kitchen, almost tripping in the process due to my sleepy state of mind. i stumble on the last step, earning a giggle from mali who lays limp on the couch, binging on greys anatomy.

"mom made waffles, they're on the counter for you." she mumbles, gesturing toward the counter, and I nod, stepping toward the plate of bread and fruit.

I drown the waffles in syrup, chewing loudly on a piece of apple in the process. I know the act will probably earn a lecture from mali about how impolite it is to chew with my mouth open, but at the moment I really couldn't care less.

"that letter beside the plate is for you."

"who's it from?" I question, picking up the packaging.

"just read it." mali instructs, and I nod. I curiously rip the packaging open, pulling out the carefully folded notebook paper.

the familiar handwriting registers in my mind immediately;

to calum,

I want to start with saying sorry. I'm sorry that I pulled you into my broken world, and made you fall for me. I'm sorry that my actions tore you down into the stress filled struggling mess you are today. after yesterday I realized that what I had done to you was unforgivable. I didn't listen when I should've, and for that I am sorry. I didn't let you give the explanation I needed, and for that I will forever blame myself. I ruined us, and I apologize. my insecurities ran through my blood, and my jealous nature turned me harsh and cold.

i don't have much else to say besides the fact that I am leaving, and not coming back. by the time you read this, I will be long gone. my demons are getting the best of me, and I can no longer fight them off. please don't cry in the midst of my absence for I am not worth you tears. please find someone who can love you without insecurities in the way, and find someone that will treat you the way you should be treated. I'm doing this for the both of us; I have only inflicted pain on you, and therefore I am nothing but a toxin. I will only continue to kill what is left of your sanity, and the world does not deserve to live without your beautiful smile. you have so much potential calum, that you need to try your hardest in college and become the professional soccer player I know you'll become. I'll watch your games on the big screen, and maybe just maybe in the future, we can meet again and start over.

I love you - michael.

I slap the letter down, push the chair down, and hustle to my bedroom. I thrown on the first pair of pants and the first t-shirt I can see, and run back downstairs. I grab the car keys off the side table, and don't bother answering mali's questions on the way out the door.

I have to stop michael, there is no way he's going to leave, I can't let him leave me, i need him. tears threaten to pool over my eyes, but I swipe them away before they create duvets in my cheeks. I refuse to believe that the love of life is gone, I refuse to even let the thought process through my mind. he can't be gone, he just can't.

I rush out of my car, not bothering to shut the door behind me. i run as quickly as possible to the front door, and don't bother knocking.

"calum what're you-" karen's voice calls through the house, but I'm already jogging pasts her and into michael's bedroom. both of his parents feet patterning against the wood floor is audible to my ears but at the moment I don't care how rude I'm being.

my arms thrown everything around his bedroom, searching through his closet, under his bed, on the bed, praying that this is all some sick prank michael is playing on all of us. my eyes fall upon his dresser, stopping once again at the sight of a sticky note-

I told you I'd be long gone calum. take care of yourself baby, I love you :*

I don't bother hiding my tears this time, granting them access to wet my cheeks.

"calum what's going on?" karen asks worriedly, pulling me into a tight embrace.

"he's gone." I choke out, holding tight onto the last person to resemble the boy.

"what do you mean?"

"michael," I sob. "he's gone."

+++
THE END

aha epilogue is coming soon.

love you all - meagan