Hue In My World (Indian BL)

48. Jab we met....again

~18 months later~

In the darkness of the night, he sat in that lonely house staring out of the window. What else did he had to do? The house that was once filled with warmth, now felt abandoned. As if the silence in that room was out to kill him. Reminding him the bliss he once had in his reach while simultaneously mocking him for how now he had nothing left. And all he had were those four walls that held the memories of his love.

Everyday he felt grateful for not destroying that house. Thank god! He didn't. Because now this is all I've felt of him. It was only those distant memories that helped him stay afloat. Or else sleeping into a deep deep slumber felt like the tempting choice.

I love him. I do.

Dhiraj found himself repeating that once again. He had forgotten the number of times he was repeating that same phrase that day. It sure wasn't a number he could keep track of. After all, he had tried so hard to make himself believe that that wasn't the case. But the more he repeated it, the more that phrase came back to haunt him. Haunt, that was exactly the kind of words he would've used to describe his love a few months back.

Like a ghost, that man's voice, his scent, his touch, his memories and.....his betrayal. They all kept following him. It was a torture. And all he wanted was an escape. Lucky for him, distraction could be found easily in today's world. Not only are they recommended but also encouraged. And that was what he did. Going down a spiral. To the bottom of the barrel. And the more he sank down, the more darkness surrounded him.

And it was too late when he realized that....he was just another man cursed by the spell called love. It WAS love. Not lust. Not some infatuation. But love.

When that simple fact hit him, it numbed him from within. Almost as if life was slowly being sucked out of him. He....he lost his love. What should he do? That simple fact.....froze his existence. The will to live was gone. The numbness was all that persisted. And maybe slipping into that quietness was the better choice. Maybe that was a better choice? At least I won't have to experience his pain then.

What resulted from this was a life threatening weakness. Dhiraj's physical body couldn't keep up. Neither did his mind nor his heart. He didn't even realize when he was admitted to a hospital. It was only when he could hear some faint voices that were begging him not to leave that he wondered. Is that Nakul? The yearning to see his baby smile even once grew stronger. If only he could get to see his baby smile once again. Wasn't that what he always wanted? Just once. Just one more time. He kept repeating and that simple thought pulled him out of those murky waters.

When he opened his eyes, he hoped for his baby to be right by him. But.....All that greeted him was that loneliness. Was that how life was going to be from then on?

Life had blessed him with the one thing he wanted. And he lost that too? Wasn't his mother enough? Wasn't it enough that he never had anyone he could depend upon......anyone he could.....share himself with?

Life had played a cruel trick on him. Or was it his own arrogance? After all he too was the one who pushed away his love. After all he too was the one who screamed 'YOU AREN'T WORTH IT! Never where, never will be! All of this just......was a waste of time! PURE WASTE OF TIME!!!!!!'

A tear escaped his eyes as he recalled those words. Any moment spent with him can never be a waste. He regretted every word he spoke. He regretted every moment of it.

Is it my mind that is making me delusion or was it actually the case when I saw his eyes and I could sense hesitance. That stuttering. And that....almost incessant.....need to make me believe that he didn't love me. His mind kept repeating the memories of those recurrently, trying to find any clue, any hint, even a tiny glimpse that what his love said was a mere lie.