SUMMER CAN LAST FOREVER

HAPPY DEATH DAY

CONRAD
may 3rd 2011 one year ago today my mom died, she took her last breath. I was the last one she talked to in which she made me promise to look after jeremiah, she encouraged me to make things right with belly. She died the following morning, and part of me died that day too. Its a wednesday i should be in school, but im not belly and jeremiah went. i couldnt bring myself to go. Im at her grave i touch the headstone, and i cry on the tombstone. God i miss her sweet smile. her warm hugs.

I miss her cooking, her laughter, and her sillyness. I miss her fun personality, looking up, and seeing her painting. I remember what i was like after she died. i chose to grieve it alone, i avoided everyone like the plague. Went off the map after the funeral, belly and jeremiah had to track me down. I was so distant, so not myself. i started therepy in may right after she died, i didnt tell anyone. there wasnt anybody i could tell. Belly and i werent talking, i didnt want jere to judge me. no way was i telling dad.

Laurel like me also chose to grieve alone."hey mom its been a whole year since we all last saw you. So much has happened since then. Im sorry i havent come til now, it was just too hard for me to go. Aunt julia tried to sell the house, and so did dad. We fought for it though me jeremiah and belly. I ended up missing a final, and had to retake it in the summer. You wouldnt have been proud of me for that, but i hope ive made you proud in other ways" i say.

"Please dont be mad at belly, she feels like she failed your final promise to look after me, but she does. I finally told her how much i love her, and she forgave me for all the stupid shit i did. I went to therepy and got better. im back to my old self again. Im happy as i can be without you mom. Its mainly cause of belly, youd be so proud of her mom. Shes even more gorgeous, and shes a fighter. Maybe im glad youre not around to witness all the terrible things shes gone though. Itd break your heart, it broke mine" i tell her.

"I did it mom. i got into stanford, im transferring and moving to california. Bellys coming too, but i know shes sad to be leaving jeremiah. There just like you and laurel. laurels been amazing, she did write a killer book. its inspired millions of people, was a best seller. shes gone on tour all across the country with cleveland. Shes been there for us too, dont worry she still takes care of us" more tears spill out of me.

"Theres been a lot of really shitty things happen. Belly almost got raped mom, and its cause i wasnt there to protect her. this happened in october its may now. She has dreams about you, she had dreams about that night then they got better. Then dad decided to go off the rails, and try to shoot up the house while drunk. Mom he destroyed the paintings you made, and your china. I hated him so much for that. He went to rehab, and is in the mental facility now. Hes doing better, but ill never forgive him fully. He hurt you, belly, and jeremiah. Youre probably not proud of me for that either, but i dont care he deserves it" i trace her name.

"Weve had so many good memories though mom. thanksgiving, christmas, were joys,and new years eve was fun. We went to football games, to lots of parties. Belly ran for fund raising officer and won. Shes planned all the events the winter dance, the kissing booth, prom, and senior night. They all have been great. I definitley made up for last years prom at both of the dances. Im just im out of my mind in love with her mom, and i gave her a promise ring at christmas. I will marry her one day, like you always wanted" i let out a small smile.

"Jeremiah and i went through a rough patch last summer after belly chose me. You were probably pissed at both of us during that time. We made it out, and weve been the strongest weve ever been. Hes so happy too with taylor and with belly. laurel rescued him after dad went crazy yet again, and hurt him. Hes been living at bellys, and im glad because hes helped her a lot. I still feel the weight of the world on me. Dont think thatll ever change" i chuckle.