ONISM (rewriting)

chap 52

Dear Hania,

I have so much to say, to ask that I don't know where to start.

I searched for you in every possible place for the following months after you were gone, but every time I came back home with my shoulders slumped. I wonder if it was as hard for you as it was for me? I wonder if you struggled to live without me like I struggled to live without you? I wonder what was it like to take this step, Hani?

If I were at mistake somewhere, you should have told me. I would have had ratified and improved it, I swear I would have had. Only if you have let me know of the things that were bugging you, I would have gone to the other end of the world to make everything alright for you. Had you once trusted me with your problems, the little future of us I dreamt of might have happened.

Will I ever forgive you for leaving me like this in the middle of nowhere or will I ever forgive myself for giving you the reasons to leave? I don't know if I hold enough courage to answer these questions.

I read your letter. Alhamdulillah, both of us are on the path of righteousness. You said I was the reason for you to see Sirat-e-mustakeem. If you see it from the way I do, we both were meant to come close, fall in love, and then to part. The pain was consequential for us to become what we are today.

Imagining you in a madrassa is a bit quirky. Uncle Basheer told me you came wearing a burka? How beautiful that is! I am so proud of the person you have become.

A lot happened to me as well in these two and a half years after you left. I got engaged. It ended (don't ask me it was devastating). However, I am getting engaged again in a couple of days (to a different person) which is totally unbelievable—she is a bit younger than me but I think we will make it.

I don't live in Peshawar anymore. This city of flowers, had been a city of thorns for me. The more I loved this city growing up, the more it broke me as an adult. But my connections to this place will never sever, I was born and raised here. My parents are resting in its soil and so will I.

The world ended many times for me, Hani. When my parents died, when you left, when my family accused me of fornication, when no one trusted me, and when they ended my engagement with my cousin.

Who thought, a day like this would come. The only link I have with you is through Allah now. I don't know how it all went but at that time I ended up praying fives times a day only to ask Allah to give you back to me. Now I ask Him to keep you safe and beaming.

Hearing from you after all this time feels like a miracle. I wonder if you still have tinted some of the strands of your hair silver-ish grey? Have you?

And don't worry ok, you are always, always in my prayers and always will be. One day, everything will make sense and if you haven't found the right one yet, you soon will. I wonder who that blessed human will be-

Take care of yourself, Hani, and write to me more.

Yawar Mustafa.

I folded the page that I had torn from a notebook tucked in one of the shelves of my once in use study room. I nervously slipped it into my jeans pocket, a bit anxious at how she'd think of me after she reads it. Will she be happy that I was getting married? Will she be sad that I was moving on in life?

I ringed uncle Basheer's door. His twenty years old son answered the door, his eyes on the phone as he played a game on it.

"Where's your father?"

Without giving giving me a response, he turned on his heels and yelled, "baba! Someone is asking for you." His eyes still on the screen phone as if his life was dependant on it.

I mentally rolled my eyes, this generation was so khalas!

Uncle Basheer appeared a few minutes later. "What is it, son?" He eyed me up and down.

"Nothing, uncle. I wanted you to keep an amanat for me until its rightful owner comes for it." I forwarded the envelope which contained my letter.

"You mean that lady in burka."

I nodded. How'd he know already.

"Your old friend."

I passed a plaintive smile as my eyes fell to the ground. It felt as if he was looking into me through them.

"I value lovers, Yawar. I'd keep it safe until she comes."

"Jazak Allah."