ONISM (rewriting)

chap 29

• R I Y A •

The darkness in the room wasn't as dark as the one in my life.

I laid, hidden in covers as if they could keep me safe from my nightmares.

The dress for my Nikkah laid somewhere tucked away in the wardrobe. Wherever Kanwal had placed it, I hadn't come across it yet. May be she did it for my good for she knew if I saw it again, I wouldn't be able to pull myself together.

Now once again, I had found refuge in my room as if i would just close my eyes and darkness would engulf me, it will be all alright.

A whole day have gone by and I have had no idea about what and how Yawar was doing. I didn't have guts to text him and, may be, so did he.

The door of my room opened. It was Kanwal like always, bringing me food.

"What did baba say? Did he agree?"

She looked at me as she placed the tray in front of me on bed, a sense of pitty in her eyes and then she shook her head.

My shoulders slumped down. "What do you mean?" I whispered.

"Your father isn't listening to my father, and even Daadi was mad at first but you know she also said that we can forgive him and marry you both. But your father is listening to no one."

Kanwal heaved a sigh. "Riya, everyone is calling and visiting. Whole family knows now that your and Yawar's Nikkah was called off."

"Leave poeple. What do you say? About him."

Kanwal just played with the spoon and looked up at my question. "Me? I don't know. I am just--" She uneasily looked around, "just shocked that my brother cousin did this. The one I idealised so much."

"Kanwal." I wailed her name and took the hold of her hands. "He said he didn't do anything wrong. I trust him. He is your brother, you should trust him too. Look, that wasn't his fault if he fell for a girl that didn't fit this home and its people."

"If I ever know that Raheel has someone else in his heart, I will leave him. I don't understand why are you still sticking by Yawar." She pulled out her hands from mine.

I shook my head, "he had her when I didn't exist in his life. He didn't cheat on me. Then why should I stay mad at him? You should think logically as well."

"Will you say all of this as a reason at your father's face?"

"I don't know." I sighed, "I just know that once his anger subsides, he will surely come and talk to me. He wouldn't do anything that would hurt me."

"I only can pray for you." She just stroked my shoulder and smiled at me sadly.

"Thanks." I whispered. "Pray that I get to marry him only. The idea of someone else is killing me." 

"Everything will be fine. Just know that you are stronger than you think."

"Thanks."

"Eat lunch. It is getting cold."

I nodded. Tearing a piece of bread, i dipped it in the curry.

"Thank you for staying with me but you should go to your home home." I uttered, embarrassed by the fact for how many people were in trouble just because of me. "I mean you got married just a few weeks ago."

"Han. I am going back. May be tonight. May be tomorrow."

"Thanks for the help. You have been more than a sister to me."

"I am your sister and there is no thanking in siblings."

I nodded. "Likewise, Yawar is your brother. Don't think of him any bad."

"Why are you saying this?"

"Because he is innocent."

"He used to visit a woman at nights. That's just so gross."

"I know but he said he didn't do anything wrong."

"And you believed it? Like a lovesick teenager?"

"I am not a teenager. I am a grown up woman who knows what she is saying."

"No, you are not. You are just a soft kid who thinks this whole world is as naive as you yourself are. Which is totally wrong."

It drowned me. Didn't know if it was the weight of her words or the fact that she thought this way about me. She thought of me some random stupid girl who doesn't know what was going on in her life.

"I will take the plates downstairs. You can come as well."

I shook my head. "I am good here."

No one cared what I wanted to say, what I was trying to say. That I wanted to marry Yawar only, that I hadn't felt at home since a long time and he was the only one who warmed the cold walls of my heart.

I laid back and just stared at the plain walls  of the room, the darkness was suffocating me and I had started to feel lethargic. I didn't know if it was all the negativity dwelling on my head or the less consumption of oxygen.

My body cried for fresh air and sunlight.

I got up, unsure if it was the right thing to do. But I unbolted the balcony door, a never ending fear of someone being outside remained in my heart. Yet I couldn't stop myself, i needed to see outside, the sky, the clouds--everything.

I slowly opened the door and a cold, cold air welcomed me. To my relief, no one was outside. I breathed the air in, it was as if everything within me had restarted. My brain. My heart. Everything.

As I stayed rooted, things from yesterday played in my mind again like a scene that I remembered from a movie. Kanwal had said my father was so adamant of not marrying me to Yawar because he was a disgrace.

I could remember Hambal's face with a smug smile. It was roughly sketched out at the back of my head.

I closed my eyes and opened them again, wishing if everything could just vanish.

My phone beeped.

Y: I want to meet you.

As i read Yawar's message, my heart swelled up with a strange feeling. What if he wanted to say that we can't be together? And it soon overtook the happiness.

R: where?

Y: I will let you know soon.