SKYSCRAPER

FRAGMENTS

JENNIE

My eyes are still swollen. Last night was too heavy for Lisa and I. My heart is crashing and my ears ache from all I have heard from yesterday. Lisa doesn't love me anymore. And it hurts so much.

I prepared our breakfast. Actually, I don't know how we are going to start the day. I am not sure if we are still going to talk or I should leave this house already. It's not nice that I am still here while she's already with Riva. It's not Riva's fault that Lisa is now with her. It's not Lisa's fault to fall in love with someone that fast.

But I guess, she is the one leaving the house. Seeing her carrying out her stuff from her room breaks my heart into pieces. It is aching to know that this is the end. We tried. I know we both tried to save what's left. But maybe it has to end here.

"I-I am moving out. I'll use my condo again from now on." Lisa said while she's putting food on my plate and while I'm preparing her coffee.

"You know Aki and I can just live at my parents' house." Saying this while holding my tears but I can't take it anymore.

"No. This is yours. Jen, I will still continue to support you and our son whatever happens. We will still make your dreams come true." Lisa said.

"It's not what I need, Lisa. You know what I want." I said while crying in front of her.

She just sighed and wiped my tears.

"Jen, I am sorry. I tried. But this is suffocating me." She shed tears too and looked down.

"Have I done something wrong? Tell me. I am willing to adjust." I am kneeling. Lisa guided me up and let me sit on the chair.

She moved closer to me while cupping my face.

"You are doing better, Jen. I appreciate everything you do for yourself, for me and especially for Aki. And I am so proud of you everyday. I am sorry if I can no longer stay anymore. I never had the chance to move on from you. I never had the chance to recover from the pain I felt because of what happened to us in the past. I thought I was okay when we're together again. But Jen, all I had was fear. This fear of being left alone again. Rejected. Unwanted. It all never left me and I hate it.

But when I met Riva , the fear just vanished in a snap and I don't know how it happened. It just happened." She looked down again. Crying.

"I am so sorry, Jen. I am really really sorry."  She is apologizing.

"Are you happy?" Our eyes met while asking her.

She nodded. Closed her eyes and her tears fell. My heart breaks melts in so much pain.

"I am so sorry if I showed you a love full of hope and I can't be with you from now on anymore. But please know that I have loved you since forever. And thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for helping yourself to be better for our son. I am always here for you when you need me. Okay?" Lisa's last words before she left me.

I am to trying to recall if I did something wrong why all of a sudden she's in love with someone when all she used to show was her pure love for me. I'm confused. I'm trembling. Why?

"I love you, Jennie. You know what this love means." She came back again. I embraced her so tight and we both let ourselves drown in our own tears.

But yes. She still left me.

LISA

"You left Jennie for this woman, huh? Really?" Jisoo is seriously asking in high gear.

"It's not like that. You know that Jennie and I had been trying to be together again officially. But maybe we just kept on fighting for our love to be there as one for our son." I said while I drink my beer.

"So you're drinking again?" Ugh! Jisoo, just let me do this now.

"Lisa, you wanted Jennie to heal. You supported her in every thing she wanted. You lived together in one roof. I am not sure if you still make love with each other or-. And now you are telling me that suddenly you fell in love with another woman?"

"Jennie and I never had it officially again after the divorce. I mean, we had no label. No sex. No serous talk about our status." I explained.

"Why?"

"B-because I'm scared. I'm scared of love. I'm scared that she might leave me again. That's why I never asked her. I didn't even try to open it up." I added.

"And now you're not scared with Riva? You're in love with her. Did you leave Jennie for her?" What a straight question from my friend.

"I did not leave Jennie for her. She's not the reason. I'm tired of explaining. I am not leaving Jennie. I am still here for her no matter what. She is still my son's mother. You get it?" I replied.

"A while ago, you said you are scared of love. And now, you are also in love. I don't get it why it is sudden. You just met that girl like a month or two and you are in love?" Jisoo still tries.

"Why? Does it have to be a year of  getting to know and courting for me to be in love with someone who shoo all my fears away unexpectedly? You should meet Riva. She's a nice person." I am fighting for this love.

"Is this final? Are you not going after Jennie ever again?" She asked.

"Never again." I am sure.

"Your eyes show the opposite." And Jisoo left me all alone.

You think this is all easy for me? Do I have to take another battle for me to save myself? I think I also deserve to be happy.

I also thought Jennie and I will end up together again. But I did not expect someone will come into my life and make me realize why I never had the courage to fight for my past. Maybe it's to win us over our fears.

Just like you, I also hoped that we would fix the crack. But it wasn't just a crack. You all know I was smashed. Smashed so fucking hard that I almost got stuck on the mud.
How can we fix that? I wasn't able to heal from what happened to us.

Instead of having all the time for myself to heal, I was there for her. I was there for her because even if she hurt me, she was still the most important person in my life.

I had no one. I just had her. But she broke my heart. And again, I didn't have my own time to repair what's broken inside me because of too much love I had for her.

How can I give that same person my whole self if I am still fragmented by our own memories together?

Who am I to ignore this beautiful thing called love being served by the universe right now?

Jennie and I tried. We tried.
It just ends there.
Something good with Riva and I is starting here.
And so we have to try.