{𝙼𝚢 𝚂𝚞𝚗 - 𝙼𝙸𝙽𝚂𝚄𝙽𝙶}

32: Not So Nice Surprise

[Chris]

I pressed a hand to my chest, it was definitely beating hard and fast.

It felt like I wasn't in my own body anymore, it was like I was an outsider looking in.

I couldn't even feel the bed under me anymore, trying to calm my laboured breath and pounding heart.

The noise of it was in my ears, making me nauseous and dizzy, and I felt all clammy and sweaty.

Although this happened from time to time, I could never get used to it.

But after all, it had been quite a while since it had felt this bad.

I reached out a shakey hand towards the nightstand, trying to find the glass of water I usually kept there.

It was hard to hold onto the glass, but when using both hands I managed to guide it up to my lips, taking a big sip and letting the water soothe my coarse throat.

Once the glass was empty, I set it back on the table with a clunk before falling back against the headboard.

I closed my eyes, trying to find some way to feel like I was back into my own body, letting my hands grip the comforter tightly to try to find a point to ground myself to.

Whispering to myself, I tried to calm myself down, but the more I tried the harder it was to not cry.

You see, what had triggered this sudden breakdown was a nightmare.

Although I'd felt like I was okay then and there, I kept having reoccurring nightmares about what had happened that day with Jisung.

And it reminded me a little too much of all those years ago, how I had to beat guys up until they were bruised and bloody and how I would have to do so much bad to protect the people I considered friends in there.

It made me fear that my past would come back to haunt me, or even worse, also haunt Felix.

Once we were married, we would be legally connected, which meant that whatever could happen to me would most likely affect him too.

That was the scariest thing to me, which was why I'd waited for a while to decide if it was really safe enough for me to ask him to marry me considering the circumstances.

But Felix didn't seem scared at all, he seemed to trust that whatever was in the past would stay in the past.

Sometimes I wished I could think like that as well, but it was just difficult to forget about it whenever something happened that reminded me of those days.

Yet as I sat there, uncomfortably writhing in my own body, I tried to keep telling myself that it was just a nightmare and that it was just random that those guys had approached us.

Or, at least as random as it gets considering Jisung had that rumour hanging over him.

My face scrunched up, it was such a horrible feeling sitting there in bed next to my fiancé and not feeling safe.

Of course I felt safe around him normally, but this wasn't normal to me.

I hadn't had a panic attack like this for quite some time, and this time it had hit even harder.

My heartbeat was so hard and loud that I was worried I might pass out, squeezing my eyes shut and pressing my shaking hands over my ears.