Seasons (Ari AU)

Chapter 45

Ari POV

  After waiting around for an extra half hour for Shauna I decide I'll just have her come meet me at the hospital. With Holland's dinner order in hand I make my way up to the maternity ward. I'd managed to keep her from requesting the chili from Johnny's at least for a day, telling her she was lucky I was bringing anything at all considering she'd gotten sick multiple times today. Thankfully she agreed to some chicken noodle soup and a salad.  

  "Knock, knock," I call out, tapping the door with the toe of my boot before shifting the food around in order to open the door.  I pause as soon as I step in, seeing the bed empty. My head flicks to the sound of the toilet flushing and I relax a little, setting up the table with Holland's food. 

  There's a small shriek that comes from Holland's lips when she opens the bathroom door, IV stand in hand. I can't help but grin at her, "Need some help, beautiful?"  Her opposite hand starts flailing with the back of the gown, grabbing both sides to pull them in together, while her face turns beet red.  "I'm happy to offer my assistance."

  "I bet you are, but, you're not even suppose to be here. Lissy said in no uncertain terms she was making sure you came home tonight."

  I roll my eyes, holding her covers out of the way for her to take her spot back in bed. She doesn't make an effort to sit, giving me a look as she swivels her head a bit. When I finally clock on to what she's doing I turn my head away from her so she can let go of the gown.  "Okay," she announces, letting me cover her up. "Hang on. I've got to get these set back in place." She adjusts the covers up to just under her continuously growing belly, lifting the gown up to just under her breasts in order to place the monitors back over Evy's home. A couple of minutes pass as I watch until she's fiddling with the actual monitor, locating her daughter's heartbeat.

  "I can help with that if you need it," I offer again. She tosses up a warning finger before returning to her task, just as I see a little indention press up against her skin closest to me. I can't help it, my hand automatically going out to touch Evy's limb. "Think that's a hand or foot?"

  "Foot," Holland winces from the shove, finally locating the baby's heartbeat, the sound echoing through the room. 

  She starts to adjust her gown, but it's me this time giving the warning finger point, leaning down to place a kiss against the same spot that's still protruding. There's a quiet hum coming from Holland's lips at the sweet, rather intimate kiss in which I've never done before. "Hi, my beautiful girl. You've been giving Ma some trouble today again? Do we need to have another talk about that?" 

  "Not with her," I hear Holland say, my eyes immediately finding hers, a sadness sitting behind her brown eyes. My brow furrows. "She's not why I got sick, Ari."

  I fix her gown, covering her up better with the blankets before sliding the tray over her lap in the bed. "Shauna filled me in on a little bit of that. I'm sorry you had to hear any of it at all."

  "Ari, that night, when you kissed me. The two of you were trying for another baby," she mentions, her words not coming across as a question, more of a statement of fact and yet I think she's still looking for me to give validation to her words. 

  This is the first time we've even discussed that night, the baby and Holland's health being on the forefront of my mind. As much as I wanted to say something more about that night, how nothing has changed for me, I was never expecting to have to admit to the fact that I'd been actively trying to conceive a child with my fiancée. 

  "You sure you want to hear anything else about that?" I test the water, giving her an option. I will gladly tell her whatever she wants to know, I'm just not sure it's what would be best.

  "I guess," she pauses, "I guess I'm just wondering if Lissy not getting pregnant makes you push yourself closer to this baby." Her hand dances over the blanket, softly rubbing her belly. "Maybe that's why you said what you said. Maybe it's not me and Evy that you want, but more so just Evy."

  Disbelief sits in my eyes as my stomach plummets to my gut. "You can't really think that, Holland."

  She shrugs her shoulders before slinging her head back into the pillow. "I didn't until today. Lissy stood right there, telling me that the night you two got engaged you'd decided to actively try and get pregnant. Then tells me you haven't stayed over there since the ball."

  I stop her there. "That. Repeat that last line."

  "Then tells me you haven't stayed over since the ball."

  "That. Focus on that part of the interaction, beautiful. I haven't even kissed her. Did she mention that?" I question her, my heart slowly attempting to come back to its rightful place. 

  "She mentioned your honeymoon. When was that decision made?"

  "Holland, I know what you're doing. Don't do it," I beg of her, my hand reaching out to hold hers, both settled upon Evy's home. "Things aren't the way either of us want them right now, but I'm working on it. I just," a heavy sigh escapes me, "I know that when I do it, it's going to take me away from you for a full day or so, and I'm not ready to be away from you like that. It's hard enough being at the station right now, worrying about my girls."

  Her lip trembles, her fingers shaking under  my hand. "Sweetheart, I promise you. There hasn't been a single moment of intimacy with Lissy since that night. I pick up Mason, I drop him off. I'm here or I'm at the station. When I leave, I go home and stay in my own bed. I meant what I said to you. I wish I was Evy's father." Her head tilts, a tear trickling down her cheek. "Yes, baby, I know that means you are a part of that. I want you, too. Damn it, beautiful, I've wanted you since the day I met you."

  My admission spills from the deepest depth of my heart, having held on so tightly to the secret I'd hidden away from my sister and my best friend.  

  "The hardest day of my life was standing up at the front of that aisle with Jeremy, watching you walk down to him. Watching the two of you commit your lives to one another, my heart breaking a little more with each  word promised to him. All the promises I'd wanted to make to you." I change my position, sitting on the side of the bed, facing her. My calloused thumb drags along her cheek, drying her tears. I lean in closer, pausing just over her lips. "You are what I have always wanted, Holland. To be honest, Evy is the bonus, not you."

   "Ari," the sweet sound of my name falling from her lips invites me in, kissing her for the first time in over two weeks. 

  It's gentle, tender and chaste, but when I pull back she looks more at ease but I can tell there's still a lingering question.  "What is it, beautiful?"

  "Can you really love another man's child like it's your own?"

    "Sure he can," a voice comes from the door. "Looks like he's been doing it for the last several months."

*Unedited