Seasons (Ari AU)

Chapter 20

  I honestly sit across from her stunned, confused even. This is the first time through the pregnancy that she's mentioned anything about my use of the word 'my' when talking about her or the baby.

  "Did I make you uncomfortable, Holland?" I ask, expecting to be put on blast for my choice of words, and ready and willing to apologize profusely for making her feel even slightly awkward.

  Her eyes no longer meet mine as she continues. "No, Ari. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, but it's not true, you can't keep saying it.  I'm not yours and neither is the baby," her voice grows even quieter as she finishes. 

  As much as I want to stay calm and continue to make sure that she's getting what she needs and that I'm apologizing for anything that I've done that might come off inappropriate, I can't. She said it. It's not making her uncomfortable, the statement just isn't true. 

  "I told you I'd be here for the two of you, Holland. That's all I'm trying to do. I'll back off if that's what want." To prove my point I begin packing up the food, having never even taken my first bite.  

  Finally she looks up at me, her lower lip trembling ever so slightly. "It's not what I want, but it's what Felicity needs. It's what Mason needs. It's what you need, Ari." She hangs her head in her hands as I continue to clean up my mess, readying myself to walk out the door. "I need to come to terms that the baby and I aren't anyone's anymore," she whispers softly, her voice cracking. 

  My agitation is bubbling, even though all I want is to kiss her on her forehead like always, assure her that she is someone's whether she wants to accept it or not, I don't. "We've told you that you don't have to do this alone, Holland. You might should think a little harder on that before pushing us all away."

  "I'm not pushing you all away," she cries, her distressed eyes finding mine once more. 

  I scoff, nodding my head, understanding exactly what she's not saying. I pull the door open, "Just me then," I say, walking out and leaving her alone, the way she wanted.

Holland POV

  I never meant to hurt him.

 It wasn't my intention, but it's exactly what I've done. 

And in the process, I've hurt myself. But, I'll keep that to myself because I won't stand in Ari's way of having his own family, of being the most amazing father that I know he can be. 

This whole experience has been nothing that I thought it would be. I had the highest hopes of surprising Jeremy with a positive pregnancy test, and instead I shared it with Ari at my husband's funeral. I'd always imagined finding out the baby's gender together, maybe even biting into a cupcake that would tell us if it was a boy or girl. I could just see Jeremy holding out his hope for a little boy, one that I'm sure he'd have climbing a ladder on the side of a house by the time he was three, preparing him to follow in his own footsteps. Instead I found out while laid up in a hospital bed, Ari being the one to break the news and make my heart swell at the idea of a baby girl. I had thought about how we'd search through local newborn photographers, trying to decide which one would be best suitable for what we'd like. Jeremy probably would have planned to toss in his fire helmet as a prop for newborn photos, whether it be a boy or girl. Instead it was Ari mentioning how sweet and adorable our squishy girl would be with her body curled around his helmet.  I imagined Jeremy and I would play argue about wanting one gender more than the other but ultimately both be thrilled as long as the baby was healthy and tell each other better luck next time. 

  Next time. Something I won't get with him again. 

  I'd let Ari be too much for me during this time. He'd gone from being a comforting shoulder to cry on, a helping hand with cravings to acting as though he was something more than the baby's Uncle Ari.  Whether he was trying to fill a void for me or the baby, I'm not positive, but it just wasn't fair to him.