Fight to the finish..

36

I walked away, heart shattering into a million pieces. I managed as far as the bottom of the stairs before I broke down onto my knees. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get my head over the position Leah has put us in after I fought so hard to get to this place with her where we are together and okay.

Alone on the floor crying. That's where I sat for 10 minutes before Katie came down the stairs hurrying as she was met with a mental breakdown called Bella. She cuddled up to me and told me everything would be okay and I explained everything to her. Not everything about Alex but everything that's  just happened and a little about Alex.

That evening was spent in bed, not mine and Leah's bed. Katie agreed to swap out with me whilst this needed sorting out. But in all honesty I don't know if I can see us fixing this. If she can't respect the way I am about my past then she's not right for me.

——————-

It has been a week since me and Leah argued about Alex and in turn ended our relationship and it has only began to hurt more and more with each passing day. Everything I do reminds me of her, we need to speak and clear the air even if that amounts to nothing.

I have barely even seen her since that afternoon apart from small glimpses across rooms and corridors. I was breaking my heart more and more to be around her on bad terms.

The World Cup is in a month and the lineups are released this week so there's enough stress in our lives without us arguing or breaking up or whatever has happened. Whatever it is, we need to speak about it. I decide to message her, be the bigger person and ask her to come out with me so we can talk. I hope she agrees to

                            Leah❤️

Hi Le, do you wanna come for a walk and have a chat? I feel like we need to speak about all of this. Let me know x

Yeah we can go for
a coffee and a walk
or something. Get
ready and I'll shout to
you when I'm ready x

Well she's put the "x" at the end of the message back so maybe I'm exaggerating with how bad the terms are. Hopefully we can sort this easier than I expected.

I got myself showered and ready and was waiting on Leah to be ready. Baring in mind Leah took hours longer than I do usually but this is more of a casual outfit situation so what is taking her so long?

I walk towards her bedroom door, well our bedroom door and I can hear slight noises coming from inside. I knock but no answer. So I just walked in, it's still my room partly after all so I don't have to knock. I entered the room to find a crying Leah, not ready to go out but laid in her towel clearly just gotten out of the shower in the middle of a mental breakdown.

B: Oh Le, what's up? Why are you crying?

L: Because I know what's about to happen and it hurts

B: I know baby I know, would you rather stay in and have our chat in bed?

She nodded and I knew that we both were on the same page with the outcome of this conversation. Before we spoke about anything, I found Leah a tracksuit out and helped her get changed. She looks so upset and I can't help but baby her every time something is bothering her.

After half an hour of organising ourselves and procrastinating because deep down neither of us wanted this conversation, it was time to face the music and get everything out in the open.

B: Do you want me to start?

L: No I want to

B: Okay take your time and keep breathing whilst you speak, I'm right here and it's only me remember that

L: Bels I've loved you since the day I first met you. It was love at first sight. In the beginning, after you left camp loving you and watching you with someone else was killing me internally and I hated it. When I finally got you back everything was perfect but since we have been together properly so like this past month I think we have argued a lot and it's very draining for the both of us. I feel like you're very reserved about your past and I understand that there must be a reason for that but you know me and you know I'm an overthinker. But I do apologise for losing my temper in front of you, that's something I never wanted to do. I don't know where we go from here because I can't sit and argue with you how we have been for this past month. It's hurting us both. You're my person Bella, I am sure of that. But I don't know if right now is our time.

Wow that hurt my heart. I agree with everything she has said, but to hear it and to let it sink in stings like disinfectant in an open wound. I gathered my thoughts for a few minutes before responding to Leah, she was trying to hold herself together too but I know as soon as I speak she's going to crumble.

B: I agree with you Le, you're my person and I love you so much. But the way we are right now is something I never expected us to be if we tried us properly. I don't think it's realistic for us to try and push ourselves to fix all of these problems right now with the World Cup right around the corner. You'll always have my heart and when life is a little less stressful I hope we can figure all of this out and be the version of us that I have always dreamed of.

I didn't look at her the whole time I was speaking and when I finished and looked at her she was crying, exactly what I expected and exactly why I didn't want to look at her whilst I spoke because it has set me off now too. I pulled her in for a massive cuddle and we both lay there, in a comfortable silence neither wanting to let go incase we never get this moment ever again.