Miroh: Maze of lies and love

Hate me

I know I should be thinking of how I could almost have been killed tonight but as I lay in bed looking up at the ceiling all my mind could think of was Felix. Seeing him pinned to the ground and not being able to do anything about it right away and who knows how long he was like that before I came, it really made my blood boil. They could have easily killed both of us but apparently, I am meant to stay alive.

It amazes me how calm Felix was with all of this; any other person would be running for the hills. He surprises me every time I see him, and every single time draws me to him even more. I never thought of myself as someone who would catch feelings let alone fall in love with anyone. I never wanted to be tied down to someone and if I ever was it would have been for business purposes anyways.

My little ghost keeps things interesting that's for damn sure.

Maybe he should have shoved me off a bridge, I would be dead, and he wouldn't be caught in such a situation again. Instead, he chose to kiss me and honestly it was the best thing. Does he regret it though?

I've been kissed plenty of times before but not like this, not like we were the only two there and everything around us was blurred out. His soft lips were like pure magic, and I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and take him back to my room. Take him and make sure he was the only thing in this world that mattered, show him the way he should be cared for.

That night makes me wonder if Felix told anything to his parents or if they asked him anything. I mean our house weren't that far from the park surely anyone would have heard the gunfire, right? Nothing was in the news though so Chan's people must have done a good job at cleaning up the whole thing and covering it up.

I've kept my distance from Chan, he only follows me at a distance like an actual bodyguard should and Minho has also been distant from me. We all still go to school and those two act like very good students, me on the other hand have been keeping it on the down low still.

My month is almost half over, and I can't wait for it to be done with, living with Chan and Minho has been driving me crazy. The only good thing to come out of this was being across the street from Felix who has kept me somewhat sane. Sadly, enough though he hasn't been in school, and I can't help but think that night put too much stress on him and made his health even worse. I haven't even caught him sitting in his room as of late and I know damn well I wouldn't be finding him at the park anytime soon.

It has only been a few days, but I've been worried, and I can't even get Jisung to even fucking talk to me. Am I really that bad of a person or scare him that much?

Lucky enough I spotted him coming out of Felix's house and I made a beeline for the door. As I reached outside calling out to him and running after him, it's like he is completely ignoring me. "Han Jisung!" I shouted over and over again. "Don't make me pull a knife on you." I finally said getting his attention. Jisung stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned to face me.

He looked pretty horrified right now and I couldn't help but laugh. Thinking of it now if I even hurt a hair on his head Felix would definitely shove me off a bridge. "I just want to talk." I spoke. "What's t-there to talk a-about?" Jisung stuttered. "Felix." "What about him?" "Where is he?"

I knew he didn't want to answer me even though threatening him seemed fun I wasn't going to do that. I'm pretty sure he would know not to cross me.

"Look squirrel, you might not think so, but I do care about him, and he has me worried." I said calmly. He stood there looking at me like he was trying to figure me out, trying to see if I was being genuine or not. "He has been in the hospital. All of a sudden he got really sick." Jisung replied with concern.

So, getting caught up in my shit did make him worse. I was hoping he would have been alright but who was I kidding. "Is he okay?" I asked. "I don't think it's my place to say." Jisung replied. "He either is, or he isn't!" I yelled. "Do you really care about him?" "Yes, I do." "Then leave him alone. Sure, I have noticed him smile more and be more active, but you and your lifestyle aren't good for him. Why care about someone when they don't have enough time to even fall in love."

He's right.

Life isn't fair and why fall in love with someone when you know there isn't even enough time to get to know someone. Felix is dying and it's as simple as that, as if my life isn't messed up enough the way it is but I have to catch stupid feelings for someone who isn't going to live long enough to graduate from school.

"He deserves to live whatever time he has left with his family and friends, not someone who would play with his feelings." Jisung spoke up. "You're right. Be a good friend then and don't let him come near me." I spat before storming off.

That squirrel would be roadkill right now if it wasn't for Felix. Maybe this was just a small phase I went through, how could anyone possibly love me?

I'll make him hate me; I'll make him see who I really am.

I am a killer and there is nothing to love.