When LOVE is not Enough

Chapter 37 - Axel

There was a knock on my door, I cleared my throat knowing that it was Nara bringing the therapist. "Come in", i said then stood up. Nara walked in with a woman that looked old enough to be my mother. She was dressed professionally and looked uptight. "Mr. Knox, this is Doctor McKenzie. Doctor McKenzie, this is Mr. Knox", Nara introduced. "Pleasured to meet you", "Same here, please come in", I said gesturing her to sit in the lounge area where I  liked discussing projects with my management team. "Thank you", she said calmly and proceeded to sit. When Nara offered her beverage options she picked water, coffee for me and then left.

"May I ask that we address each other with our first names? Using Surnames makes me feel like I'm in a meeting", I asked and a smile appeared on her face. "I was hoping you would say that", she replied. "Great, I'm Axel", "I'm Marianne, some call me Maria or Anne, whichever you choose is fine by me", she said and there was something about her that compelled me to relax. "Marianne is good. Thank you for coming on short notice", "Not a problem at all. May I ask why this was short notice though? You look like an uptight kind of person to have something arranged this urgently", she said as if studying me. "What? I'm not uptight", I said making her look at me with amusement. "Ok Axel, since you chose the hard way, why do you have a calendar sitting on your desk while you have a secretary? And she calls you 'Sir' which means you are not a friendly person yet you want us to call each other by our first names", she said with a smirk. She startled me. For a woman that looked to be in her early fifties that was not something I expected at all. It made me chuckle. I lifted my hands in surrender. "To be honest, I had no idea I had this, issue", "What issue", "Insecurity, that is until my daughter told me about it yesterday night, so here I am", "Why are you doing this? What do you hope to achieve at the end of this?", her question caught me off guard.

"I'm doing this because I want to save my relationship with my girlfriend", "Tell me about her, what makes her special?", that was easy. "She's loving and selfless and she loves Alice like her own, she keeps me sane too I guess... It's hard to explain to her", I said with a smile only to see that she was looking at me with an even bigger smile. "Waoh! She seems like a dream come true", she said making me blush. "And who is Alice?", "My daughter, she's fourteen", "That's lovely, and what about her mother?", "We're not together, she left with Alice when she was still young and got married to someone else", "So that's the trigger", she said then started writing things down. "What do you mean?", "The first step is usually to track topics or things that prompt you to feel insecure so we can begin to identify the problems we need to work on", she said with a warm smile. "Oh ok", I said scratching the back of my head.

"Do you feel like Angel will leave you just like your ex did?", "Yes, especially when we're with people that are better than me", "What do you mean?", "I mean when we meet people that can offer her much more than I can", "Do you think that there's more that other people can offer Angel compared to what you're currently offering her?", "Absolutely", "Can you give me an example?". "Well men that are rich and don't have children or baby mamas that are... troublesome can offer her the luxury without any drama attached to it", "Ok, I'm confused, I thought you said she loves Alice", "Yes, but I feel like if she finds a man that doesn't have insecurities like me and no teenage kid she'll go for it", "That's what she told you?", she asked with furrowed brows. "Of course not, that's just my assumptions. I mean, I've recently accused her of wanting 'an out' because of it, something that made her angry... She's always forgiving but I'm scared that one day she'll give up. I don't want to lose her and if I have to work on my insecurities to keep her then I'm ready", I said making her smile. 

"What?", "You just made a declaration Axel", "What declaration?", "You just admitted that you're doing this for you and not Angel or Alice or your ex. This is for you. Once you believe in that, you'll see that you don't have anything to worry about", she said and all I did was stare at her like she grew two heads. "I know this can be confusing so we will start with little things like when you think Angel might leave you, instead of focusing on what that person might give her, think of the moment when she did something that put a smile on your face, the moment that made you fall in love with her", the first thing that came to my mind was how she helped Alice when I was not around. 

"You see, it works right?" Marianne asked making me nod. I laughed making her laugh as well. "So starting today, this is what you are going to do. One, you'll communicate with Angel. Engage in more open communication about your insecurities, and tell her about your triggers so that she can help you face them and avoid them if necessary. Two, express how you feel. Share your feelings with Angel without blaming her. For instance, instead of saying, 'You stress me out because...' say 'I sometimes get stressed because...'. Three, listen to her. Make an effort to listen to Angel with an open mind, so you can understand her perspective as well. Four and final, Try writing things down. It can be helpful to maintain a journal where you write down your thoughts when you feel insecure. This will help you identify situations that trigger your insecurities and we discuss them during our sessions. Is that ok?", she asked with the same warm smile that makes me want to agree with everything. "Yes, I can. I'm ready", I said confidently something that made her smile.

"This was a great start, Axel, I believe that once we're done you will be the best version of yourself. Time is up so, I'm gonna go now, I'll see you tomorrow, and remember, baby steps", Marianne said then left. I looked at the clock and it was gym time so I left for the gym. I wasn't sure that Angel would come considering that they weren't working during the holiday season which to us was peak season but I kept my hopes up. If she didn't come then I wasn't going to call her, I decided giving her space was the best thing to do now. I was only going to respond when she reached out first.