hostage || l.t ✔️

seventy

"Why..." Niall was the first to speak. I drop my head and close my eyes, feeling my eyes burn from lack of sleep.

"You look like shit," Harry said.

"Thanks," I muttered back and he nods.

"So go on, say it,"

"I...I hurt her," I say in a small voice, seeing it all happen again in my head. They go silent and I look up at Niall through my lashes and he was confused, Harry showing no emotion.

"You hurt her?" Niall asks and I nod, my head still down. "How? You wouldn't do that,"

"I did," I nod, closing my eyes.

"You're not gonna cry are you?" he then says and I shake my head.

"No," I shake my head. "I um...She was talking to me like I wasn't anyone, and being rude to Erin—"

"Did you and Erin fuck without Zayn knowing?" Harry asks.

"Why..?"

"I dunno, I have a feeling,"

"Don't tell him," I say quickly.

He cackles and Niall folds his lips in a line. "You know what happens if he finds out.."

"He won't, unless you tell him and I'll cut your head off, anyway, don't interrupt me,"

I swallow. "When we got home, I didn't give her any options with anything and—"

"You raped her?"

"Harry!" I take it offensively. "No! Are you kidding me!"

They don't know about Anita, but when they say something like that, I get offended because I wouldn't anyone to be in the same position I was in, so I don't get mad at them for not knowing.

"Sorry.."

"Dude, shut up," Niall then says. Harry rolls his eyes and pulls out a joint from his pocket.

"I didn't do anything sexual with her, I tied her up and...hit her, with something but once I started I couldn't stop..." I hate to admit. "And...I let her go and she cried her hearty out and at that moment I knew that wasn't me, it was something inside of me that did that,"

"My father does that," Harry says. "To the little brats that don't do what their told,"

"Yeah well...I sis it to London, and she's now in pain and it's my fault, and she's lost all my trust, and we're back to when she first came here, except we don't talk to each other, and I can't have sex with her until she's got my trust back," I murmured.

"You must feel like and imbecile right now," Niall says and I nod in agreement.

"I do," I nod softly. "I can't believe I actually hurt her, it doesn't make sense,"

"You were angry?"

I nod without looking up. "Well fuck, that sounds like something your father would do as well, Lou,"And that's when I look up at him. "Maybe...a feeling took over you?"

I start nodding.

"I get it too...on Amelia but it's nothing like that, but it just means I get angry and not even at her and I take it out on her,"

But I shake my head. "It's not like that.."

"Well, you're the only one who knows," Harry shrugs.

I stare and think back to my childhood, how my father used to hit me like that in the back and stomach if I tried to sleep, eat or drink when I was in training and it was so draining, but he'd never let me and he'd hit me like that until I did, but he did his with a belt.

It's like since I stepped in the door, I turned into my father.

I was threatening to hurt Cherry if London didn't do what I asked. Because I know I'd never hurt her or anyone like that, I can be aggressive but never like that, and it showed that she didn't even know I could be like that, I know she knows I can be rough but certainly not like that.

And I snapped out of it when I heard her crying into the pillow and when I looked down, I see my nail marks into my hand, and I knew it wasn't good and I was in shock of what had just happened, and I hopped on the counter in regret.

I sat there thinking about it all, reliving it all and I remembered seeing blood, like I had broke skin from it, but I couldn't stop...and I didn't want too. When she whimpered it made me feel good.

Thinking back to it, I can't stomach it that I found it attractive that I was literally hurting her. And the more I think about it, I was once in her position but I was like 4, and my goodness was it painful.

It made me sick to my stomach I was hurting someone I care about. And especially like that. I can't really explain it other then that fact that wasn't Louis..that was my dad who took over me even though he's not here.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late, Ravh had an appointment,"

"No hall good, what was the appointment for?"

"She's 26 weeks, and we found out the gender today,"

"And?" Niall said.

"It's a boy, thank fuck," he breathes out and then pokes my side which usually pisses me off but I blink. "Uh, okayy, so what have you guys got?"

"Nothing, we figured we'd wait for you," Niall shrugs, and I sigh, opening my phone. I go into my photos and see. photo taken on our birthdays, we're standing in the mirror brushing our teeth but London cropped the screen so her chest weren't in it. I sigh and turn my phone off, I already miss how close we were and if I never got mad at her, none of this would've happened.

I'm gonna regret this for the rest of my life.

//