As You Are

10: Blue box

Tw: mention of self-harm

You were walking through the city sidewalks in the chilly weather to find a nearby coffee shop and luckily you found it. When you woke up today there was no breakfast on the table. Generally, Jennie woke up before you and set your breakfast on the table neatly. But today there was no food. So once you thought bout knocking on Jennie's door but then again maybe she was sleeping and anyways it was a Sunday morning and maybe yesterday's stuff made her kinda tired so she was asleep you thought. So now you are in front of a cafe crush down your cigarette and enter the shop.

You set the breakfast neatly on the kitchen table. It was your first time preparing breakfast for Jennie but you aren't gonna mind doing it again in the future for her. 

"Okay, all set. Now prepare your apology" You said to yourself.

"Jennie, I know what I did last night was unnecessary and rude. I'm sorry for doing that. I won't be an asshole to you again and I'm willing to make it up for you" You played like Jennie was in front of you.

"Seems good now just have to say it in front of queen... Are you going somewhere" You saw Jennie come through the hallway all dressed up on Sunday morning. Your wide smile changed into a frown.

"I don't deserve this" Jennie stated with a high voice.

"What's with this morning yell? And yes you deserve this. After all, you have done you deserve every bit of this"

"Yeah, you're right. I don't deserve this after what I all have done to you. I have done nothing but be good to you. For god sake! Hell, Y/n, I don't deserve your behaviour towards me"

"Jen, it's just breakfast"

"What?"

"Yesh, look. I brought breakfast for us. I brought caramel macchiato for you. See? Your favourite. It is just breakfast and yes you deserve it" You said softly while smiling at her.

"I'm not talking about breakfast! Y/n! God dammit" Jennie yelled at you using her high-pitched voice.

"I'm done with you being bipolar. I'm not someone towards whom you can yell or be cold. For god sake, I did nothing last night. All this time I held this inside but not anymore. I have enough! You say sorry and then you do it again. I'm done with this!" Jennie painted and ran out of breath. She could hear her own racing heartbeat. Her neck's vain pop out.

You stood their mouth agape. You are out of words. You wanted to say sorry but you heard by yourself that sorry isn't gonna work anymore. You realized that it was right, Jennie was right.

You admitted to yourself that you keep rejecting her. You attempted to push her away from yourself. You tried to convince yourself that staying alone is better. But that doesn't mean you didn't try. You tried, really hard you thought but maybe that wasn't enough for her, for Jennie. You thought you getting better. Well, the fact is- you weren't. Old habits die hard, they said.

You'd been yourself for years. You didn't let anyone enter deep down as much as Jennie did. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough for her.

And now, sorry won't make the situation better.

"So?"

"Are you being real?" You can see anger inside her eyes.

"I can't be with you Park" She shouted before slamming the main door hard. You thought for a second the wall broke.

You look at the empty place where Jennie was standing some minutes ago blankly. You know you messed up badly this time. You were feeling bad for her. But you can't help yourself. It's just how you are.