At times like these, I wish my world would just stop for a minute. The stress of work had piled up day by day, today was not an exception. It was tiring attempting to keep up with it all. My life outside of my new marriage had become excruciatingly stressful. If everything would just...pause, I feel like I could truly take a moment to myself and breathe.
I didn't see that truly happening, though, as I drove myself home. It had grown dark due to the time change, making everything seem way later than it was. Just that thought in general had made me sigh, wondering how I was going to juggle all of this everyday for a long time. At least until I moved jobs, I would have to endure this for the time being.
Selfishly, I had been jealous of my husband. I had thought he must have had it easier than I, being an idol on hiatus due to our marriage. A paid vacation almost. He had got to be at home, in a comfortable surrounding, not hearing phones blow up at every corner of the room.
But then I remembered...
It wasn't hard for either of us. Even with him staying alone at home, he was requested to work on new songs and things for his group. Since he had decided to stay within it for a few more years, he was shoved upon loads of responsibilities leaders normally tend to. And as often as he wishes to sleep, he wasn't able to by the end of the day. It was like his mind couldn't shut off.
I've tried to consider those factors when I become selfish. Often times our mood swings from stress cause us to fight. Not many screaming matches have started, just irritation set to flames and an argument that ends shortly after. It hurts my heart when we do such things, but with my nose so high in the air I could never admit my wrongs during the fight. That would always bring us to a dead end.
Sighing heavily, I brush my hand through my hair as I sit in my drive way. I knew that if I went in there blowing up a storm from work being awful, another argument would start. As much as I hate knowing this, if I started another fight, it wouldn't end well. We needed peace. Especially for a new marriage.
I bit my lip as I prepared myself. Grabbing my purse, I headed for the front door. I knew faking a smile wouldn't suffice, so I started to remember the first time I had met my husband. Just the thought of his cheeky smile and his eyes scrunching anytime he laughed made my heart warm.
I quickly unlocked the front door, wanting to see that smile again. "Babe? I'm home!" I call out, as if it was something I casually said all the time. In fact, although it wasn't typically, I figured doing it from now on might help me feel more at ease and welcomed.
Sunggyu peeked his head from behind the wall, staring down the hallway. He eyes me funny, surprised to see my face in what I hoped was a good mood. "Mei?" He questions, sounding worried.
I smiled. "Hey babe, what you up to?" Taking off my shows, I keep in mind that I don't want to fight today. Not anymore. "Did you have dinner?"
Slowly, he fidgets so that part of his body was shown. His hand clenched the spatula with uncertainty. He was confused, since it had been a long time since I have ever so calmly greeted him. How terrible awful it was to see him react this way, guilt paining my heart. But I pushed back all the sad thoughts, proceeding to follow him into the kitchen.
"Not yet. I'm making something now." Realizing that this was not a trap, he grins at me. "You hungry?" He shows me the grilled cheese burnt to a crisp that laid in the pan, proud.
Despite the fact my stomach didn't like the smell of burnt bread, I still nodded my head rapidly. "Starving!" Taking a plate from the cabients, I slapped the grilled cheese sandwich onto it and grinned at my stunningly handsome husband. "But let's eat something else, no?"
He bursts out laughing, staring at me in disbelief. "I thought you were going to eat that! I worked hard," he jokes, but doesn't stop me from throwing it out. "Okay, okay we can making something else."
As I open up the fridge to find what foods we had, I felt Sunggyu hover over me, also looking. I chuckled but didn't bother pushing him away. Instead, I pulled out different foods, handing them all to him. "There! We can make orange chicken and rice with this." And as I go to find the rice within our pantry, I felt like all the stress I had before was forgotten.
Sunggyu follows me like like a lost puppy dog, doing whatever I had said. And although he himself was not a terrible cook, he took this as an opportunity to learn. Whenever I go to fry the chicken, he holds me from behind, watching intently for when the grease pops up to pull me away quickly. His hands looped around my waists snuggly, head peering over my shoulder and back slouched by a lot. Warm breath blowing air onto my ear and neck every few seconds.
Somehow, today, I could actually feel at home. At ease, and relaxed. Sunggyu did whatever I had asked of him, wishing that a fight would not start also. And to think that we had to fear such a thing by each others slight moves, was terrifying.
"Can you mix the sauce please?" I place the small batch of fried chicken on a clean plate with a paper towel, catching the grease.
Sunggyu kisses my cheek lightly. "Be careful," he whispers. He makes his way to the pot of sauce, stirring it gently as told. "Is it done?"
I look over to the rice cooker, noticing that it had been done. I nod with a smile. "Yes it is. You scoop rice into a bowl and I will get the drinks." We moved diligently, the sweet smell of fried chicken wafting in the air, taunting our hungry stomachs. As we moved back and forth throughout the kitchen, purposefully bumping into one another and being over dramatic when apologizing, I realized just how much we needed today.
If not for the laughs and smiles of today, I believe it would have been awhile before we could be the same way we use to be. We sat down together, eating a dinner together, and just talking about our days. Like it should have always been.
I smiled at my husband, placing a hand on his cheek and rubbing my thumb across the cheek bone. His face stops all emotion, waiting intently to see what I do, his mouth stuffed with rice. " I love you Sunggyu," I say, adding a small pinch to his cheek before retracting the hand to finish eating.
With a mouth full he says, "I wuv ooh too Mei." He quickly swallows the food before leaning over and placing a large kiss on my lips. "Always and forever."
Without explaining ourselves, both knowing we wanted to change what had recently been happening between us, we continued the night laughing and sharing stories. It had been like a giant load was taken off my heart as we felt ease within one another's arms.
I knew I would never let those terrible times happen again. Sunggyu and I loved each other so much, these fights had taken a greater toll on our daily lives than we originally thought. Peace was what we needed between one another before we asked for anything else.
2018
