i only want you

identity crisis

Santana POV 

As the air grew cold we finally detangled from each others embrace. The loss of contact made me shiver slightly. It suddenly hit me what just happened. I had kissed my best friend, and she kissed me back. She wanted to, and I wanted to. I wanted to keep doing it forever.

But at thoughts that were harboured in the back of my mind during the warmth of the kiss started clouding my thoughts. I couldn't be into girls, I can't be. I am so afraid of the consequences if anyone found out I was not who I say I am. But maybe friends just kiss like this, friends with benefits and it doesn't have any meaning to it. Who am I kidding friends don't kiss the way I kissed her. It felt more than just a meaningless kiss to me, that's what scared me. 

I pushed those swelling feelings aside and looked at Brittany who was looking at me with plump lips and a soft blush on her cheeks. Did she have the same feeling that I was having?

My panic grew. I didn't want to accept this feeling I was having, so I went inside, Brittany following behind. 

"Santana? are you okay? Did you not like the kiss? oh no was I not good?" 

"No Britt it was a good kiss..." 

"Then why do you look sad all of the sudden?" She said looking down. 

I wanted to tell her why. But I couldn't, not ever. 

"I-Im it didn't mean anything right, just for fun yeah." I stated, but in my mind I longed for her to answer it. 

She visibly slumped down and turned away, distracting herself with my desk items. "Um yeah just for fun." 

I crawled into bed and Brittany laid down next to me directly facing me. 

"Um, well goodnight." I said. 

She gave me a smile, but it wasn't like her usual one, it seemed to be lacking expression. 

"Goodnight San." She said as I turned away from her. 

We always used to cuddle together during sleepovers, but here we are on opposite sides of the bed where I can't dare to look at her.