Kiss me and I'm yours - A Severus Snape story

Chapter 28: Done

I awoke on the couch in a room, I didn't recognize at first. As my sight cleared, I realized I was still at Spinner's End. I had no clue as to what day it is, nor did I remember why I came here. I slowly sat up, seeing the two empty bottles of fire whiskey, and regretting instantly what I did. I didn't know for how long I was unconscious.

At first, he didn't remember why he drank so much, it took him a while until he remembered what happened at Grimmauld Place. His hand reached his head slowly, it was aching too hard to remember in the moment. He splashed some cold water on his face and drank a potion that's supposed to help with the headache.

During the day, his memories came back to him, and he regretted every single second of it. He hated his entire being and couldn't even look in the mirror. He was disgusted with himself and rightfully so, at least that's what he thought about himself. He never wanted to hurt her, yet he did without even thinking straight. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve a man who is not being able to trust her fully. She doesn't deserve death eater scum like him. She doesn't deserve a broken man. She should be with someone who can truly appreciate her and give her what she deserves, namely everything that the world has to offer. She deserved someone who can show the world how much that someone loves her. She deserves someone who can take her out on dates, pay for dinner and put a jacket over her shoulders when it is cold outside and who can hold her hand in public, yet she chose him.

The more he stayed at Spinner's End, the stronger his mind got into a certain direction. He didn't see any other way. Being with him is just too risky, too dangerous and just not worth it. He had no idea what made him believe that this might be able to work, because he wanted it to work so badly. No, he needed it to work. He needed some kind of proof that he is not a complete worthless person, that he is not the bad and mean person everyone believes him to be. She saw something in him and now he must disappoint her. He saw no other choice than to do what Albus suggested a few months back. He would break up with her if she not already decided to leave him.

If he distances himself from her, maybe Voldemort won't be so tempted when it comes to her. He would once again lie to the Dark Lord to protect her. He loves her with all his heart, but sometimes to prove that love, one has to let go. If she survives, his lying, sneaking around and pretending would have been worth something, or so he believed.

A small part of him, didn't want to follow through. A small part of his heart, the soft part, made him think about the war. What if both survived? Would it be worth it if both of them lived but she wouldn't forgive him? He didn't want to think about that. No, he wanted to think about it further but he couldn't. His mind was already made up and nothing would change it now. He needs to protect her. He needs to do something good in his life and the best way for him to do is the way he operated before. Alone and in the shadows, barely noticeable.

He apparated back at Hogwarts. He took his time, walking to her room. He was conflicted with himself, he didn't want to do it. He didn't even know if he could say it out loud. He was fiddling nervously with his hands. Thank Merlin, all the students left the castle because no one could see him in his current state. He walked by her room a few times, because he didn't know what to say. He didn't exactly think about the words he wanted to use because he was getting more anxious by the second. "Now or never", he thought and mumbled the password, a slight relieve ran through his body when he realized she didn't change the password. It was still his name. He slowly walked inside, closed the door and he found her, sitting on the couch, a blanket covering her body and a book in her hands. He had to restrain himself from walking towards her and falling on his knees, trying to beg for forgiveness. He couldn't become weak know. He had to follow his plan, for her safety.

She looked up at him, not believing he entered her chambers. "Severus", she said, barely a whisper. She stood up, crossed her arms over her chest. "Come to offend me again?", she asked. He knew she was mad and rightfully so. "No", Severus said. "Then why are you here". He walked a few steps into room, close enough to tell her, but also not too far away from the door because he needed to leave quickly. "I... don't think this is working", he mumbled. "Sorry, I didn't quite hear you", she said in a rather harsh tone now. "I said, I don't think this is working anymore", he said in a louder and more clear tone.