Who Needs Love Anyway?

Part 47

"Do you want to know when I realized I loved you?"

Lance asked when Keith left his last words empty leaving silence between them. Keith didn't change his gaze as the last rays finally started sinking. The chill in the air back again.

Lance pressed on ignoring Keith's silence, "When you left for the Blade I already knew that I was feeling something more. I pushed it off because you were leaving but then it was just one of those things you know. I would forget and search for you in the castle. Look up to call you but you weren't there. When we did finally run into each other even if it was for brief moments it was always like a huge relief. Like I could finally relax. When you went missing is when I kinda realized what it was. That despite the scattered amount of time we had spent recently I had fallen in love with you. That's when the flowers started too."

Lance dug his fingers into the ground. Not reaching far so he pulled back and moved to tracing new patterns besides him.

"You see I don't know how to explain it or justify why I fell in love with you. You were just who my heart and soul chose. You can't control really who you love or how you fall in love or even how long it takes to get there. It's something beyond all of our control. So I've never blamed you for any of it. I'll never be mad about what happened. Honestly I hoped if the surgery was successful that by some miracle I would get the chance to try and love you again."

Keith kept quiet as Lance talked trying to fight the urge to look over at Lance.

But he really couldn't

The honesty and softness in Lance face and tone. It drew Keith forward like he always knew how. Lance always knew how to guide him to the right spot even if he didn't think he was ready.

"I always searched you out before I knew," Keith muttered into his knees, "Before Shiro disappeared I would taunt you for training. You started it but I secretly enjoyed the challenge at the right times. Then when Shiro left it was always you and you were always there. I know we are teammates and all but... it was different."

Keith's voice was small. Lance having to lean in slightly to hear without alerting Keith.

"I always leaned on you without knowing. Would seek you out just to sit in the same room for company. The amount of times we literally fell asleep on tables working on plans. I was thankful Red chose and not Allura. It felt right having you besides me instead of someone else.  I always looked for you... but I was afraid to admit what it could mean."

Keith made a slight face as he shrunk more into himself. He didn't want the full out confession. All the nitty gritty terrible bared raw but Lance at least deserved something even if it felt so wrong for Keith to admit.

"I was so use to people leaving I didn't actually think I was going to be the one to do it. So I guess I didn't prepare myself. Part of why I left for the Blade was because I realized what was happening. That when I would seek you out it wasn't just for work anymore. I wanted you. The jokes and touches and looks. I was craving them. It wasn't even obvious at first either but once I... I leaned in just a bit you had placed your hand on my back to lean over and grab something. It was stupid but it was like I felt my resistance cave to it. Stupid crush was getting to me. More than I could cover and control. So I removed myself from the situation. Only to freakin fall in love all over again," Keith rubbed his forehead in frustration

"I just don't understand why loving me is so awful."

Keith paused at Lance's words. The tone obviously hurt and Keith was met with Lance attempting to keep his gaze steady.

"It's not that."

"Then what is it because I'm really fucking lost here. I love you and I realize it probably makes no sense to why but I do. It wasn't a sudden thing. It wasn't something that happened over night just because I decided to. It-"

"I get it Lance," Keith interrupted dropping his head to his knees tucked against his chest, "I get it. I do. I understand why you are frustrated and confused. You have every right to be. I probably would be if everything was switched but I just... don't know how to explain it to you."

"Explain what?"

Keith open and closed his mouth several times fighting the words stuck in his throat.

He loved Lance. He did he really did. It was never a sudden magic moment it was stuff overtime. The fun they had, the trust they built with each other, the fights and the making up, the soft moments and dumb moments. There was a ton of them from before he left and since he came back.

So he knew the whole thing shouldn't have snuck up on him or caught him by surprise.

But it did

In all honesty Keith sucked at the whole love thing. He didn't know how to do it or what it really meant. At least he didn't think he did... but that couldn't be fully correct for obvious reasons

It's just in all his life the closest thing he got to see of love was Shiro and Adam and honestly it hadn't been the best example. Maybe that's why it was so hard to explain.

"Are you scared of it?"

Keith blinked and turned his head back to Lance. Lance waiting for the answer even if he didn't seem to need it anymore. Keith's normal mask slipping enough for him to see his answer.

"I guess... it's one way to put it," Keith muttered back into his knees

They sat apart in silence for several more minutes. The moon now easing its way up behind them. Air cold enough that Keith was really having to focus on not shivering.

"But what's wrong with being afraid? Doesn't that mean more if you are afraid of it?"

"What type of logic is that," Keith couldn't help but chuckle slightly

"Well... you tend to be more afraid of something the more it means to you. Be it losing it or everything going wrong."

Keith chewed the inside of his cheek. His poor cheek was going to be a mess after this.

"I wouldn't know... Lance I... I just don't know how to love."