Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
This is fucking crazy.
I absolutely on EVERY LEVEL, cannot be doing this right now.
Do I like Sirius? I'm not so sure. He made me feel things I've never felt before, but those could easily be mistaken for something else.
We had all said our good nights after new years and went into our separate rooms.
Lily, Marlene and Dorcas has taken residency in the spare bedroom even though I had offered up my own to them.
I'm glad they didn't sleep in my room, I don't like anyone seeing me in such a panic it stressed me out even more.
I couldn't face Sirius after that so I quickly dodged him and ran up the stairs. My door was locked, so nobody was coming in anytime soon.
My body felt hot so naturally, I stripped off the dress I had been wearing only to throw on the same satin robe from what felt like ages ago.
The cold air from the balcony provided me with a quick sense of relief as it slowly integrated into my room to help cool down the what seemed like rising temperature.
Emotions were so distance from me and I could never quite understand. It was a persistent and annoying problem but I could always tell how other people felt, but mine were just a wish I could only dream for.
My body was still in a state of panic, not as bad as before but my skin felt hot and my thoughts were wild. It was uncomfortable.
I didn't have ways to calm myself down because I didn't let anyone know what was really going on with me so trying to push myself out of this spiral was something I didn't know how to do on my own, but I always manage. I didn't need anyone, I was independent and that got me far in life.
I quickly remembered the cigarettes I had taken from Remus so long ago.
Those might help distract me.
I quietly tip top over to my trunk. The only problem about living in an old house, everything freaks. I quickly grab out one of the three cigarettes that I successfully hid between two shirts of mine.
James would kill me if he knew I was smoking at all and Remus for letting me smoke but James can kiss my arse tonight.
I waddled over to my balcony as I pushed some of the snow off the french cafe chairs. Luckily, I was the only room with a balcony so nobody could peak our of theirs to find me out here.
I quickly lit up the end of it as I placed the filter in between my lips and I inhale the deadly smoke. I knew this was unhealthy for me but did I have any other way to cope? Not really.
I'm destructive.
I let a mix of the warm air of the cigarette and the cold air of the night mix, keeping me feeling settled and somewhat at ease.
