ready to run [l.s]

chapter twenty three

"HARRY! ive missed you mate" niall beamed through the phone "you smoking again?"

"um yeah- hey... sorry i just. can you distract me? talk about cass or something... please- im just on the ver-"

"i will, something did happen. but you have to promise me to take deep breaths okay? at least try?" his mate seemed to be worried.

"ok..." he mumbled starting to take deep breaths- still inhaling the tabacco.

"i did something dumb, i uh- almost kissed cass" he sounded a little scared by what he said. harry couldnt help but spit out a 'you did what?' but niall continued.

"well i never meant to- i- she." he sighed "she was visiting me for the first time this week- she has been busy with her life and she also comes in once or twice a week for chemo but its besides the point."

his curls blew in front of his face as the evening air began to pick up. he put out his cigarette before trying to breathe some more. this point niall was still rambling.

"we were hugging, cause i hadnt seen her in a week and i just... i leaned into kiss her, it was so unexpected, but she pulled away. SHES NOT EVEN MAKING THINGS AWKWARD! sorry didnt mean to yell. its killing me, i played it off like i was tired but i know for a fact she didnt buy it"

in that moment harry found himself laughing a bit. not at niall, more or less at the world. his breathing picked up, his mate on the other end noticed.

the line went dead, few short minutes later liam came out to the patio with a glass of water "no lou, ive got him its okay. go finish showing the videos" he was soft spoken.

harry was now sat facing the sliding door, leaning against the railing. his breaths were still short but fast, as we was also still laughing.

almost pulling his hair out, tears were rolling down his face. he sat with his knees pulled to his chest. liam sat down next to him.

he didnt speak, so much as hold out the water for him whenever he needed. except for when harry started scratching his arms like a mad man.

"hey harry. i know you arent exactly here but, try and listen to me. i need you  to-"

the green eyed boy just started laughing even more even though he felt as if his lungs just werent there. his laugh became more mechanical by the second.

"its insane isnt it?" he asked. tears starting to roll down his cheek, yet his voice was pretty stable "how much shit weve gone through? its stupid. dumb. insane"

the other boy just nodded, leaning back against the railing with him "it is isnt it?"

"i got sent to fucking conversion therapy. yeah only two months. but they drugged me, abused me, mentally degraded me. fuck i became so skinny- i barely ate. if i did i threw it up. i became so suicidal. i tried so many different ways li, so many different ways" he just continued laughing.

"i know h, you dont have to explain- i found you at some point... i just need you to drink wat-"

"difference between sam and i? she actually succeded in ending it all. i shouldnt even blame you or the boys of finding me. which i wont, because its my fault i didnt do it sooner huh? i really though a bottle of pills would work HA"

liam took a sharp breath "harry youre scaring me, do i have to call nine nine nine?" the younger one just ignore the comment and continued laughing and talking.

"its all so fucked. cutting doesnt even work for fuck sakes. theres no sting anymore, no blood. the scars dont even fade anymore. i cant take off this stupid cross necklace let alone sams. im only twenty for fuck sakes"