Military Love » Harry Styles

chapter sixty four (BRAD ENDING)

I tiptoed, still with barefoot down stairs and danced into the kitchen. My mother left for her work and Bradley offered so kindly to visit the store to get some of the ingredients we were missing for tonight's dinner.

I ran towards the massive white cupboard and opened the bottom left door. It held a small stereo with a grand sound and bass. I carefully placed my hands around the death-black object and pulled it out of its original surroundings.

Still tiptoeing I made my way over to the nearest power socket and plugged it in. A few minutes later the wonderful sound of Jett Rebel filled the room. A few times I reached the volume knob so that each time the music blasted a bit harder through the room.

I danced around the room, making my way to the kitchen to get myself a drink when I heard the mail man dropping our daily mail in the mailbox. Excitedly I walked out of the door in my robe and opened the mailbox with a small key which we always hid under the rug of our door.

Normally there was only bills addressed to my mom and sometimes me but this time an odd thick package addressed to me was in between all the bills.

I shrugged it off and threw all the mail in the kitchenette while pouring myself a glass of water. As I was drinking I sat down and went through all the mail, sorting them in different stacks. When I finally reached the package my heart was aching for to know what it was, I read the front of the envelope again.

It was definitely addressed to me. With a neat handwriting my name and address was written on it. Though the zip code was written twice, the first zip code, which was wrong, had been crossed out.

I ripped the package open so that everything fell on the ground. I sighed and took another drink while getting the papers from the ground.

And then I started reading. (a/n at this moment I'd adive you to listen to breathe me - sia)

Dear Violet,

At this moment you must be home, and you'll be reading this. Obviously.

I am utterly sorry to invade you privacy like this and reach out on you in this way. But I had to. I know I cannot and will not live with myself if I had not written this to you.

I had to, however, know how you are doing. Are you feeling alright? How's your family? How's life?

Let me rewrite that. Before this letter, dozens have ended in the trash can. And therefore I promised myself not to erase any words I had written down. I gave myself one last clean sheet of paper. And promised myself I would send it.

I already know now, that actually sending it will take me days, maybe even weeks.

I know I've hurt you. Badly. And I realise that now. I was stupid. I thought I was in the middle of everything. At some point I must have even thought that the world revolved around me. But I was wrong. I was so damn wrong Violet.

And for me to only realise that know makes me feel left utterly depressed to put it out 'nicely'. The days that I don't regret everything I've ever done to hurt you don't exist. They just simply don't.

I cry sometimes. Who am I kidding. I cry a lot.

I cancelled my trip to Iraq. I did not cancel it. I got fired. I was out of my mind. At least they told me that. And they were kind of right. I still am. I cannot concentrate on anything. You're everywhere. Each place. Each face.

I hear your laugh in each song, and see your smile in each photo. It's terribly distractive.

I took you for granted. And I should never have. I should've kissed you every day. I should've respected you in the way you did respect me. I should've trusted you. I should've held you close. I should've promised to be yours.

But believe me Violet, if we were ever to meet again. And you were able to forgive me –which I understand if you don't. I would do all of those thing.

But now I hear you're with Brad. And I hear that all my doubts were right. You liked him more than me didn't you. You loved him more than me.

I feel betrayed. I feel empty. I want to see you but I don't. I want to touch you but I don't. I want to hear your laugh one last time but I don't.

I bet you're with him now. Talking about me. Or not talking about me. Maybe you don't ever think of me. Maybe you've forgotten of me as a whole.

I was there you know, at your graduation. I wasn't supposed to be there. But I risked everything for you, just like I risked everything for her. She was never anything I wanted to love, she was just there and it happened.

It's a dumb excuse, but I could never love her. Not like I loved you, still love you. She was an object that belonged to me, and I used her. It's bad, but she knew. She knew my heart only belonged to you. She took advantage of me while I used her. It was partnership.

And now I look back and whished things had turn out differently. I hope you do too.

I'm going to be at the Green Bean Saturday the 5th of January at 10am. I hope you are too.

With all the regrets of the world and more,

Yours truly,

Harry.

I cried. I cried for hours until there were no more tears left. I cried and bawled until I heard the lock of the door turn around. I ran upstairs with the letter in my hand and put foundation underneath my eyes. The dark circles were gone, the red stains were gone, but the sadness was still there.

I walked down the stairs and greeted my mother as I realised that today it was Friday the 4th of January.

--

That night I tossed and turned. I could not get my mind of the events of today. I ate dinner silently and I'm sure that Brad and mom knew that there was something wrong. But they both were wise enough to not ask.

I made up my mind. I was going to meet him. It wasn't going to be pretty, but at least I will hear what was worth losing me over.