small world

chapter 41

HARRY

Have you ever spent a still summer night lying with your head in the grass and your eyes in the stars; A moment of beautiful silence when everyone has gone to sleep, and yet the stars are still out shining? Its quiet and you are engulfed by darkness, and it feels as though there is nothing in the world but you and the clear night sky and the bright specks of white shimmering in a sea of black, the way the sunlight dance across the oceans surface. And in that moment you feel so connected to the world as your body is pressed against its façade and the sky surrounds you as you take it all in. In the middle of February when you’re far away from home and the dewy grass where you lay and feel infinite is covered in snow, its hard to recreate that feeling, but if you’re lucky in your life you will find something that gives you that sense of completeness, and in my life I’ve found two.

Standing with my feet planted firmly on stage I feel the same comfort that I do in my own backyard cradled by the lawn. And in front of me it seems as though there is a literal night sky, darkness inhabited by twinkling lights of cellphones and glow sticks. And even though there is no such silence in this moment and the opposite takes over, the steady of the roar builds the completeness of silence. Every show on stage felt like that endless summer night.

Though as clear and blue as the sky in the daylight of May, Charlie’s eyes were like watching the night sky. I wondered how other people saw her eyes, and if they noticed the same gleaming twinkle that I did, or if its presence was only on account of the sight of my own eyes sparkling down at them. A part of me hoped that it was the kind of beauty that only existed for me, because of me, while another part felt pity for those who would miss out on it. I hoped everyone who loved somebody found that sparkle in the eye of the person that they felt completed them, because I think that if you can’t see that evident flicker ignited by affection and lust and compassion and the sense of mutual wholeness, then something is missing, and that something is love. And I’d like to believe only one person in a lifetime could make that spark exist, and that’s why I felt so complete with Charlie like a still twilight in the middle of June, I held onto her and prayed our love would be as endless as a summer night.

The last six weeks felt like a single summer night, darkness accompanied by the light of eyes and phones in a crowd, mixed with music and lyrics and meaning. I think the reason I felt so complete with Charlie and on stage is because the two went hand in hand. Being on stage was scary, it was exhilarating and each night felt once in a lifetime. We sang fun songs and slow songs and love songs of both, and for me it all led back to her. She gave me the strength every night to stand on that stage and give my fans my everything, she gave me the spark of adrenaline when I saw her in the crowd, she gave me the meaning behind the words, both the happy and the serious… she made everything possible, everything worthwhile.

But at the end of every evening comes a sunrise, and while daylight brought a new beginning, a new day, I wasn’t quite ready to let go of this infinite night. Sat on a plane with Charlie’s sleeping head fit into the crook of my neck whilst her small arms clung to one of mine, I stared down at the list of shows. Names of venues tainted by scribbles, leaving only two legible places. It felt like every show was a span of time during that endless night, and as time ticked on with your body in the curve of your lawn, the shows were being scribbled away. With only two left you could sense the sun was coming; the stars were still up but the blackness brightened ever so slowly. Within hours we would be in France, we’d play a show tonight and cross it off. We’ll have Saturday off and brightness will grow with Sunday, the 14th of February and our last show of the tour in Paris. Maybe it was selfish to want to go back in time, because I should be so lucky to be where I am today. Sat beside me was a woman I grew to love more and more each day, and in my past were memories and success I could not have even dreamt up. But almost like rereading your favorite book, I wanted to relive the moments. As we soared in a plane across Europe I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to relive themselves in the only place they now existed, my mind.