small world

chapter 9

I stood motionless in eight-year-old Harry’s shadow, remembering how I felt that day being whisked away in a taxicab, fleeing to Doncaster with my mum, how hard it was to part from my childhood best friend and Anne who was like a mother to me. I wondered what was running through Harry’s mind right now. As he looked out the back window while he drove away, our eyes had locked one last time as mine screamed his name. The van sped off and his eyes remained on mine as I watched it drive away until it was a tiny speck; eventually it was out of sight, but the people in it were still in mind. I sat on the curb, not ready to turn back into the house just yet. Anne had left for work straightaway after saying goodbye to Harry and I wasn’t ready to be alone in the emptiness just yet. I was lost and confused in my thoughts. I guess Louis was right the first time; Harry hadn’t loved me all along. He left without saying goodbye… he probably couldn’t keep up with his act any more. He probably just wanted to hook up with me and when their trip here got cut short he gave up so there would be no strings attached. And as much as I wanted to hate him for leaving with questions unanswered and a piece of my heart in the palm of his hand, where mine felt like it was made to be, I couldn’t bring myself to. I sat in the rain for a while until I was so cold and numb, like a broken heart – my broken heart. I shuffled into the house and up the stairs and flopped my soggy body onto my bed, drowning myself in my own pathetic tears and music, because lyrics explained the feelings that I couldn’t say. I turned on my iPod and the last song I had been listening to had been none other then the emotional rollercoaster cover of Torn by One Direction from x-factor. I thought about how one day, original One Direction songs would be on this iPod and not just the x-factor covers. Impossible to skip, I decided to pick up where I had left off.

 There's nothing left, I used to cry

My conversation has run dry

That's what's going on

Nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor 

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide-awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late

I'm already torn

That’s just how I felt. Torn. Here I was stupidly in love with my childhood friend turned superstar and I had actually thought I had a chance. But it obviously meant nothing to him. Or did it? Maybe he was just as confused as I was. Maybe it’s not over. I sighed and flipped through artists and onto none other then Ed Sheeran who always knew what to say.

Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you?

Float down

Like autumn leaves

Hush now

Close your eyes before the sleep

And you're miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Ooh how I miss you

My symphony, play the song that carried you out

Ooh how I miss you

I miss you and I wish you'd stay

And as if I really had needed to be convinced, I knew in that moment that it wasn’t over. It was possible for it to be over for Harry, but I couldn’t just stop loving him. It hurt me to think of him but I couldn’t imagine any other face I’d rather see in my mind when Ed sang my feelings in perfect harmony. I thought about the promise Harry had made about taking me to a show and wondered if that was just another lie. Everything between us had felt so genuine but I couldn’t help but feel lied to this whole time… why else would he leave without figuring out where this left us? I hated how much he had consumed me in so little time, but I knew nothing would change in my heart over the summer. He may have been gone, but I was sure of the fact that he wouldn’t leave my mind for the next three months... after all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?