small world

chapter 46

SHAUNA

6000 words well deserved, enjoy! x

CHARLIE

DAY 23: LONDON, ENGLAND (4:53 PM)

I realized quickly that Harry carrying my heart with him only meant one thing for me, that I was left heartless, and it was true. Inevitably as long as he was away and carrying my heart with him, I wouldn’t feel whole again until he came back for me. He promised me it would just be better in time, and that when our lips met and our bodies crashed together for the first time in forty days that all of the hurting, all of the missing, all of the needing and the empty would be worth it, it’d be filled. Not long after yet another promise that I’d prayed he could keep he’d hung up first, leaving my ear pressed to the phone with the dial tone humming, silently wishing his voice would just come back. I dripped off the couch, my body feeling heavy and sluggish as my bare feet hit the hardwood floor, sticking and unsticking with every step. Subconsciously I found my way to the bathroom, unsure of the intentions I had I stood there and looked in the mirror. As I stared blankly at my reflection the person staring back at me was unrecognizable to the person that Harry had left behind. My hair was a mess, black trails marked the remains of tears and my blue green irises were bright against the bloodshot of my eyes. I hated how dependent I had become on him, I hated the impact he made on every aspect of my life but at the same time he was everything, and now more than ever that scared me. I almost hated how much I loved him, I hated the affect he had on me but all the same loving him was my favorite thing to do, and without him I don’t know who or where or what I would be.

My eyelids were heavy but not as much as my heart. I sulked into his room and half expected him to be there perched on his bed waiting for me to wrap myself around him for an afternoon nap and when he wasn’t, even though I’d known all along he wouldn’t be there, I couldn’t help but be disappointed. I fell back in what felt like slow motion, like I was sinking forever into an abyss of sadness before my body eventually hit the bed. Melting into the sheets as the sunset seeped through the windows, with eyes closed I fished around for my iPod, slipping the buds in my ears and pressing play, fully intending to lose myself in the melody of whatever would come up.

The space in between us

Starts to feel like we're worlds apart

Like I'm going crazy

And you say it's raining in your heart

You're telling me nobody's there to dry up the flood

Oh, but that's just crazy

'Cause baby, I told ya I'm here for good

My love's like a star, yeah

You can't always see me

But you know that I'm always there

When you see one shining

Take it as mine and remember I'm always near

If you see a comet, baby, I'm on it

Making my way back home

Just follow the glow, yeah

It won't be long just know that you're not alone

Under closed lids I could feel the wetness of my eyes as tears seeped through my lashes and down my mascara smeared cheeks. The song meant everything to us; the symbol of it stitched into my skin in ink it was a promise to the two of us. I could hear his voice in my head from that very day in the London traffic when he’d lowered the music, stopping traffic as he said, “the words my love’s like a star, you can’t always see me but you know that I’m always there. Charlie it’s us. Whenever I’m gone just know my love is a star, always around you even if I’m not in sight, even if I’m not physically tangible my love is real.” A few fat tears rolled down my cheek at the memory; even before being apart he knew how hard it would be, and he needed me to have a constant reminder that everything would be okay. I just needed to listen to the words, to know it won’t be long until I see his face again, to know that I’m not alone in this, that he’s missing me just the same. As he had said those months ago in the middle of the street, like a tattoo we’re forever, and for a moment, as if Harry had been the DJ pressing play for this song to fill my head, the music never failing to speak our unspoken, for a moment I felt like everything would be okay.