small world

chapter 36

HARRY

With outstretched arms, I rose from my slumber, half expecting to feel Charlie’s hand on the other side of the bed I realized I was left in empty sheets. My blurry vision regained focus in the foreign room, and as the scenery grew clearer it clicked where I was. My palms on either side of me I pushed myself backward, sitting up in bed, vulnerably pulling my knees to my chest and resting my head in the crook between them. While yesterday’s intentions were to clear everything up, to rip the past events from the pad of paper and start fresh with a new blank sheet, my gut just wasn’t letting in be that easy. I found myself sitting alone in the blank room trying to convince myself that I had done the right thing, but if it was why did I have to convince myself of it? I tried to think of it as a good thing, to see Charlie’s minor memory loss as a blessing, sparing her from the effects of my bad decisions and habits of being at the wrong place at the wrong time with the undoubtedly wrong person. I wasn’t simply afraid of Charlie finding out, I was afraid of breaking her heart. After everything she had been through, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself adding to her heartbreak. I shook my head between my knees; it wasn’t that I was with her out of guilt, if anything she could do better, but I loved her too much to be the one to hurt her again, I wanted to fix her and love her forever, I wanted to be her superman, but in reality I was the villain along with my unwanted sidekick. Emma recently kept coming around, and while the photos of me leaving her apartment weeks ago had yet to resurface, I feared the hurt and betrayal that would reflect in Charlie’s eyes, changing the way she’d look at me forever.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed, my feet just dangling above the cold linoleum floors, holding my head in my hands with my elbows propped up on my knees. My heels kicked the sides of the bed as I remember myself doing as a child; the only thing missing was the innocence and bowl cut. I felt as if I was keeping my head from falling, holding it up as the weight of the world and the fear of a potentially heartbreaking mistake. A light, hesitant knock broke me from my thoughts, my tired lifeless eyes followed the sound, which lead me to face my best friend’s body leant up against the doorframe.

“Can I come in?” Louis asked softly and I nodded patting the space next to me on the mattress. Louis dropped beside me sat up with one bent leg on the bed and faced me.

“Where’s Charlie?” I said to the floor.

“They’re checking her out down the hall to make sure she is all set to take the flight to go home.” My heart sunk in my ribcage realizing our week in paradise had fallen through our fingertips and hadn’t quite ended on the kind of ‘bang’ I had hoped for.

“You know I was just talking to Charlie,” Lou said, her name grasping my attention, I turned to him, making eye contact for the first time my chin rested on my fist as he continued to speak.

“She doesn’t remember much of last night.” The fact hurt in more ways than one.

“Yeah, I know. She remembers the important things though,” I said plainly but mostly optimistically. Louis pressed his lips together into a fine line nodding until finally he put a hand on my shoulder “Harry there were some important things last night she doesn’t remember, like why she slapped you and ran off in the first place…”

I shut my eyes and exhaled slowly, “can’t we just move on?” I wondered aloud, opening my eyes a single tear slipped from the lids barrier, drawing down my cheek and splattering to my knee like a drop of excess paint dripping from a paintbrush. I wiped away its path on my cheek with my thumb before pushing my hair from my face and returning eye contact.

“Harry, don’t you think she deserves to know about Emma? Its not her fault she’s forgotten.”

“Are you trying to say last night was my fault?” I blurted out, something I had felt from the first phone call but truly didn’t want to admit. The words hurt escaping my lips, like saying something and almost instantly wanting to suck it back in and swallow hard.