small world

chapter 10

nearly three months later

CHARLIE


The first month was the longest. The first week was a decade. I’d been with guys in the past, but no one made me feel the way he did. My mom always said they cliché ‘the first cut is the deepest’. I missed her now more than ever… she was my best friend – I told her everything. I would have given anything to have her with me that first week. I poured my entire heart out to Anne, in desperate need for a mother figure, and she was there with open arms while she listened intently and sat through the sobs. She made me tea and told me to have a seat; I sat here remembering the conversation perfectly.

••

It’s only been three days and already I was ready to see them again. I moped around the house and listened to sad songs and finally Anne couldn’t stand to see me upset anymore, wondering how Harry felt about me.

"Alright so I'm breaking all of my own mother-rules by telling you this after I was sworn to secrecy, but I just love you too much to see you so broken up over this. You need answers."

My eyes bulged out of my head, awaiting anything she had to offer - I was dying for something.

"So it's really not my place to be telling you this, and I won't go into every adorable detail because I should really save that for Harry, but before he left he told me how much he cares about you. He said he had this feeling that he couldn't explain and after pouring his heart out I told him what it was. It’s the same way you feel. And I have no idea why he left with everything unanswered, nobody knows but him, but despite that, the way he spoke about you... there is one thing I am absolutely positive about: he loves you, Charlotte."

••

I smiled at the memory, remembering how relieved I felt in that moment. The realization changed so much, made everything fall into place, but one major piece was missing – Louis and Anne had confirmed his feelings for me but my heart wouldn't feel whole until Harry told me how he really felt. But no matter how I felt, it didn't change the fact that we had 3 months and 175 miles between us.

With each passing day I cried a little less, laughed a little more, and desperately tried not to think of him every hour on the clock. Anne had reintroduced me to Gemma and Ashley, Harry's sister and cousin, who had been around whenever Harry and I would play. We hung out constantly, and it was so good to have girlfriends again – something I’d been missing over the last year with my mother being sick and me being at her side constantly. Eventually in the midst of sharing memories, them remembering how they teased Harry and I, saying boys and girls didn't have play dates unless they liked each other, I found myself telling them everything about Harry and I.

"I hope whatever happens between you and Harry lasts," Gemma said months ago, but I hadn't forgotten "I like having you around - you're perfect for each other."

Everyone knew it. Everyone saw it. Even I had known at this point how in love I was, but in that first month I felt like by the time we saw each other everything would be lost. I had completely shattered over the weeks before. Watching my mother grow weak and suffer, being with her the night she died, sitting alone at her grave, leaving Louis behind only to be reunited and suddenly have him be the one to leave me, falling hopelessly in (what I now understood was) love with Harry, and neither of us having the guts to say anything. I used to be so strong and independent, and there I was, during that first month, an emotional wreck and tired of feeling alone and broken, so I spent the next two months picking up the pieces and rebuilding the walls that had come crumbling down with every blow of the emotional wrecking ball that had been taking it's toll on me.